Dealing with a break up

lufcgirl

Hello,

I'm hoping some of you super people can offer some advice on my relationship, or past one as you could call it. And it's a chance to write everything down that is driving me crazy at the moment. Same sex, she's 22 and I'm 27 (both about the same mentally!)

Me and my partner have/had been together for ten months. A super long distance relationship (200 miles or so). I won't lie and say everything was perfect, it just wasn't sometimes. We're completely opposite ends when it comes to how to conduct a relationship, how to act and also in general life too. We did have one thing that kept us together and that was that we were in love and crazy about each other, or so I thought. She was the one who said I love you first, she'd never said it to anyone before we were together, and I was fully expecting her never to be in love with me because to me before we were together she was like an ice queen, but she always wanted me, that was obvious! We were friends first who acted like playground five year olds being mean because we liked each other, in the end she said she did first and we got together, one of the best days ever!

Two weeks ago, we agreed to have a fresh start, things hadn't been good for a couple of months and we wanted to put them right. We agreed to take things slowly and two weeks yesterday went for a day to the place we first met. It was a really nice day, we went to the park, talked, messed about and went back and had food and had a lovely day or being together and went home. From that moment everything was perfect, we were like two teenagers completely in love again. Our messages were really nice, we'd talk at every opportunity and silly little things, like I sent flowers and I got notes in return through the post. It really did feel like everything was great.
Then we saw each other yesterday. The first few seconds were super, we hugged and said hello and were talking straight away. We walked out of the station and I said someone smelled a little like her on the train and she flew off on one! Said nobody should smell like her to me and that she wasn't listening to anything I said now. So I said nothing and carried on. In the end after about twenty minutes of silence I just said right we're going back to the station and eventually we made it up. Lol it is relevant, stay with me!
After that we went to the park again, and sat on some steps where she said that we have to take each day as it comes and to stop looking ahead as we're ten years ahead of ourselves. She said I looked sad and I said that was because I knew she'd say this and then by tomorrow we'd break up! She promised she wouldn't and off we went. We walked through some woods and were arms round each other, she was smiling, I was a lot better as I knew it wasn't a break up. Got on the bus and one of us always had our heads on the others shoulder for the journey. Just like any other happy couple!

This is turning into such a ramble...
So, we get back and go to a bar for food again and she asks for a cocktail. I get her it and knowing her tolerance for alcohol isn't too high and that she's getting a train home that night asked her to drink it slowly. The second I realised she was beginning to get drunk I took the drink away from her (super childish I know!). She has a tendency to attract weird people (very model-like in looks, think Elena from Vampire Diaries) so I'm always wary when she's getting trains at night Half an hour of rambling from her asking for the drink back and she gets it. I give her earrings she's wanted for a while and she suggests we stay the night. I agree. We have an amazing night together and leave this morning. Lots of I love you's, and watching Sky News for most of the night!

Final part I promise!
We get home, she's off with me and I put it down to her being tired, which I knew she was. I asked her that if she ever lied to me or had something to tell me that she always would. She said that nothing would ever happen like that and to stop thinking so much and that she loved me. She had work and then college, and then came home and called before sleep. Lots of I love you's again and I'll talk to you tomorrow and I'm sorry I've got a headache that I'm not too talkative. I said goodnight. Phone rings an hour later and she breaks up with me! Apparently she's never loved me, and this is her being completely honest with me. She's lied about it the whole time and can't remember a single time she was ever happy with me.

I'm at the point now wondering if what she's saying is real or not, or if something has happened today I don't know about. Apparently pretending she's happy is second nature to her! I just don't know what to believe. I called a friend who said she'd most likely be back in a couple of days when I don't go grovelling for her to be with me and that she doesn't mean it. She does so many little things like buying my baby cousin presents and me a very expensive birthday gift that I find it hard to believe she never did love me and was never happy. I always catch her looking at me, or smiling at me when I'm not looking. Or she'll always reach in for one more kiss. It's just very hard to believe and if it is true it's a cruel thing to do in the most horrible way.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say because it'll be that I'm better off shot of her . But unfortunately it's not that easy in love! It's like how am I supposed to know what was real and what isn't? Does she mean what she's saying this time, or is it a game to hurt me to make herself hurt because she doesn't feel like she deserves me? I'm by no means perfect and I've vowed to myself not to text or call because it's not worth it. If she wants to talk to me she knows where I am. Hopefully she'll be back saying sorry when I don't speak unless spoken to but right now I'm just wondering if it's all actually worth it.

xoxo_2

Sounds like she needs to grow up and isn't ready for such a serious relationship.

You don't deserve to have your head and heart messed with so much either.

I think you should distance yourself from her, even if she does come calling again. I know it's not easy if you're in love but if you're already wondering if what she says is real how do you expect to have any kind of relationship in the future?

lufcgirl

Thank you, I fully appreciate your comments and pretty much everyone who reads this is going to say the same thing!

Somewhat stupidly, I actually believe she does love me and is in love with me, but for whatever reason is convincing herself right now that she doesn't. When this happens it takes days or even a week for her to come round and see sense. However, does anyone reading this just see what a turnaround it is from how she has been, to an hour later breaking up. I have a message from 10.35 tonight saying she loves me and hopes I sleep well, call me if you have a nightmare and then to go from a nice pleasant conversation to a break up is very hard to take. It just doesn't seem real, almost as if she's trying to hide something, the real reason she has pushed me away. Why say that she wouldn't lie and would never break up only to a few hours later do the exact same thing? I just feel as though something has happened for her to push me away, as it's her natural reflex to dealing with anything. So to me, the break up doesn't feel real. I haven't cried, I haven't been upset. Really I just thought here we go again! I've never heard her say such cruel things though, and thats what leads me to believe that she's back in the whole doesn't deserve to be happy stage again and so takes it out on the one person closest to her. I want to help her, I really do. And for now it seems letting go until she wants to talk to me is the right thing to do.

xoxo_2

I can see where you're coming from but to mess with someones head so much is just cruel.

It is possible I suppose that she is just trying to push you away, but that's not fair on you at all, because you obviously love her very much. You say you haven't been upset about her breaking up with you though - that seems like you're already making steps to getting over her? Almost like you're numb to it?

She could be hiding something like you say, or maybe trying to hurt you for reasons only she knows, maybe just mood swings? Drug use? Depression?

Sounds like you treat her a bit like a child too, saying you're going back to the station because she wasn't talking, taking her drink off her etc. But then she sounds like a little child having tantrums because you said someone smelt like her on the train and because you took her drink away?? I don't know but to me that's a little strange.

Maybe you could meet up with her again this week and have a face to face conversation about things? It's much easier to be horrible and hide true feelings over the phone than it is when that person is in front of you.

To me she just sounds quite a spiteful bratty person trying to hurt you in the easiest way she knows how. But you obviously know her better than me

If you're having all these problems after only 10 months though is it really worth it?

That's so garbled - sorry :rotfl: Was just thinking out loud and adding bits all over the place I'm not getting at you by the way, I think she's definitely the problem in the relationship

lufcgirl

Thank you again, what you are saying does make complete sense! I'm not upset because to me it's like a game and she'll be back soon enough, when she realises I won't chase.

I can categorically rule out drugs, it's just not her. She doesn't even go to a bar without me so that would never happen. Depression, yes, possibility. However I think she's dealing with issues from childhood. Also her very immature year older sister is expecting twins next year. We never thought it would happen but it is and she seems to be saddled with paying for everything towards them too and a lot of emotional responsibility towards her sister. I think it's getting to her and especially hard when she has a job, University and two evening college courses. Plus trying to see me

We were meant to see each other a week on Thursday, I know I can get her to agree to see me then saying it'll just be as friends (or at least for the next couple of days it will be). I can tell from her face what she's feeling, just like she can tell when I'm sad. Every question I asked tonight on the phone had the same 'No' response, but it was sort of a half hearted no, as in no I don't really mean it or a I'm tired of saying no no. Obviously thinking too much

She's done this before and then a few days later apologises and says it's me she wants and that I shouldn't listen to her when she's like this. I've been reading my texts and two days ago there were ones saying it's only me she wants and she loves me with all her heart, such a sudden turnaround of events. Even I don't think she could lie that easily for the best part of a year! We are both childish because she cannot have an argument without breaking up, it's insane! If I'm hurt, angry or disappointed she will immediately bring up something to make me feel guilty and then she's got control! I'm an idiot too because I'm the one who goes running back at every chance, this time it's no. I know deep down she loves me and I can't force her to be with me, but I know she'll want to soon enough.

Finally, she is definitely worth it. When she's not being crazy then we do have the most amazing times together. We laugh, we joke, we have our own little 'in' conversations only we know about. We can talk for hours and text all day. She'd defend me against anything and thats how I know what she's saying isn't true.

Emmzi

give her space - proper space- to work out what she wants.

No contact. No "let's go out as friends".

she sounds immature and you sound like the stereotypical u-haul lesbian. Not a great mix.

Do you really want her to "come round" as oppose to making a firm choice, in her own time, with no influence?

So if/when she apologises, ask her to take a couple of weeks to think about it and then call you.

vintagebrighton

Even if you love someone and they love you doesn't mean you'll make each other happy! She may very well love you but whether she's good for you is another matter entirely.... Even if your heart is broken you'll find someone else in time..... someone that'll feel right and will show you the respect that you show them..... that's real love Seems trite to say something like 'good luck' but really, it'll take time but you can and will move on. That's life x

lufcgirl

Thank you both again for your replies!

I'll have to keep this short as I'm on my mobile. To be fair to her, she is immature and we're both idiots when we want to be and it's a terrible combination sometimes. I just want what I had on Monday again, I don't care what she says but she genuinely did seem happy. She could've broke up with me then but took the opportunity to say she would never do that.

I'm not a typical u-haul gay lol. I don't want to live with her, yes it's nice looking forward to the future and knowing it will happen and I wake up sometimes wishing she was there but I don't have everything planned!

In sumary, I have no intention of starting to get over her until I realise it's real, right now I think she thinks it's what she wants when it's not really. She's so stubborn that no calls or texts from me will make a difference and so I'll leave her alone. If it's meant to be it will be!

Lotus-eater

She's hard work and will always be hard work, whoever finally settles down with her, is going to have a bumpy ride (:D) and I bet it won't be happy ever after the first couple of serious living togethers.

I would give it a wide berth tbh, treat her like a casual lover a few times if you can, but it doesn't sound like you could and you probably shouldn't.

She's going to cause you alot of trouble and heartache if you allow her to.

Btw, what's a U-haul lesbian? lol

lufcgirl

Lotus-eater wrote: »

She's hard work and will always be hard work, whoever finally settles down with her, is going to have a bumpy ride (:D) and I bet it won't be happy ever after the first couple of serious living togethers.

I would give it a wide berth tbh, treat her like a casual lover a few times if you can, but it doesn't sound like you could and you probably shouldn't.

She's going to cause you alot of trouble and heartache if you allow her to.

Btw, what's a U-haul lesbian? lol

Pretty sure it's something to do with the whole second date you move in together thing!

We have spoke this morning, I have asked to see her next week and she's agreed but said I had to get the idea of us being together out if my head. She's not met anyone else, and won't do anything I dislike just to annoy me. Her words. I told her I thought she thought this was the best thing to do right now and I respected that but then that I know even deep down she does love me and didn't pretend. I got silence back and a I have to go. So that's code for you're getting to me and I need to distance myself. She said to keep texting or calling today but I've said no, I'll only talk when she admits her true feelings.

Lotus-eater

lufcgirl wrote: »

Pretty sure it's something to do with the whole second date you move in together thing!

We have spoke this morning, I have asked to see her next week and she's agreed but said I had to get the idea of us being together out if my head. She's not met anyone else, and won't do anything I dislike just to annoy me. Her words. I told her I thought she thought this was the best thing to do right now and I respected that but then that I know even deep down she does love me and didn't pretend. I got silence back and a I have to go. So that's code for you're getting to me and I need to distance myself. She said to keep texting or calling today but I've said no, I'll only talk when she admits her true feelings.

Ahh, I get it now, U-haul, funny, LOL

She's going to cause you pain if you carry on seeing her, pain and trouble.

Just warning you! She might be good looking, but she's f**ked up in the head. And you won't be able to change her, no matter what you think.

Don't let her be one of those people who keep drifting back into your life now and again, messing you up for life.