Dealing with a break up

gazebo

trouble here is, the only person who knows the answer is the one who's already given you an answer - that you didn't like - that you are now trying to process and make sense of.

Stop tormenting yourself is all I can offer as advice.

gazebo

and as for the whole 'get to the real cause of her issues' nope - that's not what an outsider would think. What an outsider would think is run away...

166million

Another blunt response I'm afraid:

I think you are kidding yourself. Time to move on, life's too short (and other platitudes)

lufcgirl

We have just spoken again. She has a class in Liverpool tonight where on the way home this time last week we were talking and some guy came up to her and I could hear him say 'End the phone call now' in a menacing sort of way. She was scared, and I stayed on the phone until she was alright.

Of course, soon it will be this time again, if she goes. She's stayed off work and now considering not going. I asked her to call on the way to the station again, purely out of concern. She said she would text, I said call and she will. Her voice has softened, she just sounds sad now. But that's to be expected. To her it was the end of something just the same as me. We will be really good friends for now, and there for each other. And I think that's how it'll go for the next few weeks at least.

Lotus-eater

gazebo wrote: »

and as for the whole 'get to the real cause of her issues' nope - that's not what an outsider would think. What an outsider would think is run away...

Very very fast and a long way.

gazebo

isn't there anyone else she can phone if she's feeling threatend though? Living so far apart, she must have other people she talks to and knows etc. You are still trying to control her - whether you see this is up to you, but honestly, give both of you some headspace and stop sitting guessing what she's thinking or feeling - deal with your own thoughts and feelings.

really - in a few weeks time I hope you re read this thread and see what everyone else can see.

I do really wish you all the best though

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Threatened? Or seeing someone else? Someone who doesn't want her having a cheap fling on the side? Or has been told that you are 'just someone who has a crush' on her/won't let go?

raddyantic

I just think that perhaps there are external controlling influences at work here, perhaps there is parental pressure on her, someone else, or indeed something else that is causing her to behave quite 'hot/cold' towards you.

Or perhaps it is all just down to an age thing/maturity which I appreciate you may not make sense to you now - but you may recognise it as being the underlying issue when you reflect back in a few years time after you have more relationships going forward.

I take on board what people say, that you should get rid/deserve better - but like you say - never that easy. I've been in relationships where I have been backwards/forwards and it was far from equal - infact I was at someone’s beckon call and it just ebbed away at me and realised that it slowly started affected my self-esteem and confidence. So just try and look after yourself in that sense. I look back now years later and can't believe I was crazy enough to be in that kind of situation - a loss of self-worth...a loss of respect for myself.

...and that is the key point here you are being treated with a lack of respect. Speaking solely as a man - you can say and do XYZ to him but a lack of respect towards him is untenable.

If you cannot find out the underlying issues or get her to open up then issue an ultimatum - tell her you will disappear for good if she doesn't say what's wrong.

If that doesn't work then the best approach you could take is to leave and end the relationship. BUT for the sake of closure appeal to her better nature and ask her to write a letter/email to you to explain (she is more likely to open up if it's non face-to-face) - at least this way you may have not got the girl BUT your heart will hurt a little less if you know the truth, as thanklessly trying to connect the dots and re-reading text messages over and over again won't give you the answer....sadly been there and have done that and paid the price


Best of luck in whatever you do and hope you can find a solution

lufcgirl

I think...that she is one very confused person who doesn't know where she is at right now. I think the pressures of her upbringing, her strange relationship with her 'family', her work/life balance and her ability to conduct relationships is all having an effect.

I know that seeing me was the only thing she looked forward to and I know that if she could find a way she would make it work between us she would. She's just worried about me. It's not a sign that she doesn't care like she's trying to make out happened.

She has never cheated, lol she never goes out to cheat. Her friends consist of one girl she has known since school and a Russian man she met while studying at University who lives in London now. None of which she would ever cheat with. It literally doesn't add up, it seems more a cry for help or space from her rather than that she wants to not be with me. She's at college now, has text twice asking if I'm ok, I've only just replied and I really do think time is a great healer, either way.

rachbc

ahh this is one of those asking for help, pretending to listen then completely ignoring all the advice given because only OP can possibly know what its really like threads

You both seem as bad as each other to me.