Dealing with a break up

MissGivings_2

In every relationship, especially at the beginning, the easy part is the loving, sexual part.

It's the other parts that are hard to handle.

You've described repeatedly allowing yourself to be reassured by loving actions, rather than question and explore your thoughts, questions, concerns and feelings.

Only you know why you've been doing that.

Rather than look to your ex for answers, your post describes signs of having inklings of knowing what the issues have been, but not being willing to tackle them, choosing comfort instead.

Your ex's claim of never having loved you and that no-one can smell like me to you etc is the cry of a child unable to change the relationship in a self-knowing mature way. Her level of maturity is not her fault of course, and most people do learn though the knocks of life to handle their own needs without harming others.

I hope that you may learn to listen to and trust yourself in future.

lufcgirl

I do again, completely agree with your post and thank you for your thoughts.

It is her own (very childish) way of dealing with anything that life throws at her. Hurt the one person she cares about. It's always been that way, she's never allowed herself to love someone or care for them at all until what I thought was us. I've heard many times about her failed relationships and she just gets sick and runs away, literally. Cuts off all contact and never speaks to them again without knowing a thing was wrong.

I've had it lucky this time in that I always do get a response. She would never just run away from me. I think though, she does need to work out how to be in a proper adult relationship whereby she can take another persons opinion on board without being defensive and critical and making the other person feel bad. And therefore having the poor me attitude that is just terrible and very off putting!
The drink thing, I did that because I was protective. We agreed to scale back the length of our days together by two hours as she didn't like getting trains at night as it attracted strange people. So for her to start drinking a drink that 100ml of will have her drunk was just a silly thing to do and I rightly took it away from her.

It's very constructive listening to people tell me what everyone else does, that I shouldn't be with her. Although I realise I can't make her change, just like she can't change my natural reaction that she'll break up with me at every opportunity, I do want to make it right and for us both to change. Space and time and realising what has been lost will maybe do that. If she comes back and says that she has made a mistake, I won't be stubborn, I'll accept that and give the relationship the proper chance it deserves because up until now we have both been so childish and poles apart when it comes to making things better that it just has to stop. If she doesn't, well then I move on. But for now, I'm holding out hope of a reconciliation.

peachyprice

She sounds like a complete and utter flake of a girl.

You've been seeing each other for only 10 months, for several of the last of those things haven't been good. If things aren't fantastic at this early stage of a relationship they're never going to be. These should be the heady days of romance and unbridled passion. If it's like this now imagine what it would be like in two years time when the honeymoon period is over.

Do yourself a favour, move on, find yourself a person who wants a proper relationship, this girl is toying with you and will keep on doing so all the while you let her.

MissGivings_2

lufcgirl wrote: »

I do again, completely agree with your post and thank you for your thoughts.

It is her own (very childish) way of dealing with anything that life throws at her. Hurt the one person she cares about. It's always been that way, she's never allowed herself to love someone or care for them at all until what I thought was us. I've heard many times about her failed relationships and she just gets sick and runs away, literally. Cuts off all contact and never speaks to them again without knowing a thing was wrong.

I've had it lucky this time in that I always do get a response. She would never just run away from me. I think though, she does need to work out how to be in a proper adult relationship whereby she can take another persons opinion on board without being defensive and critical and making the other person feel bad. And therefore having the poor me attitude that is just terrible and very off putting!
The drink thing, I did that because I was protective. We agreed to scale back the length of our days together by two hours as she didn't like getting trains at night as it attracted strange people. So for her to start drinking a drink that 100ml of will have her drunk was just a silly thing to do and I rightly took it away from her.

It's very constructive listening to people tell me what everyone else does, that I shouldn't be with her. Although I realise I can't make her change, just like she can't change my natural reaction that she'll break up with me at every opportunity, I do want to make it right and for us both to change. Space and time and realising what has been lost will maybe do that. If she comes back and says that she has made a mistake, I won't be stubborn, I'll accept that and give the relationship the proper chance it deserves because up until now we have both been so childish and poles apart when it comes to making things better that it just has to stop. If she doesn't, well then I move on. But for now, I'm holding out hope of a reconciliation.

Hopefully you'll be able to work out a little more where you yourself are coming from.

Another observation from your post is the parent role you take, withholding the drink etc, while at the same time hiding from self-knowledge. It's the same dynamic.

We all learn from an early age to defend ourselves from hurt, trouble is, most of those ways end up being useless to us, because they stunt our ability to be open and honest and cause us to repeat the same behaviour.

Your ex has not reached the stage of looking within and simply takes refuge. You are having inklings of where you're coming from as a precursor to freeing yourself from old defences.

Best Wishes

gazebo

hmm, ok - so you're 'holding out hope for reconciliation'

you're 'not wanting to make her change but you want to make it right and for both of you to change'

this doesn't smell anything like you dealing with a break up.

I'll be honest here and say that you sound very much like my ex and it has taken me a very very long time to figure out in my own mind what it is that I want. Whilst I do want to continue with the fantastically strong friendship we have, I have not been given any time by that ex to actually process and adjust my feelings - now, as I say, everyone is different and we all deal with things in different ways.

I think that both of you need to stop messing with each others heads - that is, you need to take time for the penny to drop that she really isn't that into you and she needs to take time to realise that growing up is difficult.

I apologise if this makes no sense and is blunt - unfortunately, I've taken blunt pills today.

lufcgirl

MissGivings wrote: »

Hopefully you'll be able to work out a little more where you yourself are coming from.

Another observation from your post is the parent role you take, withholding the drink etc, while at the same time hiding from self-knowledge. It's the same dynamic.

We all learn from an early age to defend ourselves from hurt, trouble is, most of those ways end up being useless to us, because they stunt our ability to be open and honest and cause us to repeat the same behaviour.

Your ex has not reached the stage of looking within and simply takes refuge. You are having inklings of where you're coming from as a precursor to freeing yourself from old defences.

Best Wishes

Thanks again.

As much as it seems as though I'm the parent, it's a role that swaps several times depending on whats going on. My nature is to be caring and open and honest. I did exactly as she is doing now to an ex and only realised what an idiot I was until it was too late. I'm happy I did in a way as I met her! Her nature is to be cold and defensive and never let anyone in as they don't meet her expectations.

I know I can completely cope with her moods, I can cope with the cold text messages and few minutes long phone calls as long as I knew we wouldn't be breaking up at the end of it. The hardest thing I have to deal with is the well I never loved you at all because I'm trying to justify another break up with you. I knew things weren't great, I did. But I honestly thought on Monday we'd been ok and not absolutely amazing, but it was positive. Does anyone actually think she's lying by saying she's never loved me? She says she's confused as to what she actually felt, but I know she did. Nobody could have been the way she has been without being the slightest bit in love.

gazebo

but was it really love - or just lust?

davetrousers

lufcgirl, read through this thread again as if it was someone else (and not you as the OP)!

What is blindingly obvious?

lufcgirl

I don't think it was lust no.

We had one thing on Valentines Day. Neither of us were bothered about it, she was at Uni, I was at work that day. And I was on my way home from work when she said she'd walked out of a play because she was sat next to a guy who clearly liked her and she hated that I would think she was cheating. From then on we decided Valentines Day would be our day as it just didn't feel right to be apart. It was never all about sleeping together, that took us five months as we were very slow about it and wanted to make sure it was perfect and right.

I suppose in a way I know her better than anyone else, even people reading this. Everyones natural reaction was obviously going to be that I'm better off out of it! When you know someone the way I thought I did, and believe that there's another catalyst for this break up, that is what is painful. I just want to know I guess.

lufcgirl

davetrousers wrote: »

lufcgirl, read through this thread again as if it was someone else (and not you as the OP)!

What is blindingly obvious?

lol if it was me looking at this from an outside view I would be saying to try and get to the real cause of her issues. As she clearly has some and breaking up is the only way to deal with those!

I can see everyones point who says she's not worth it, that we're not that good together. I can see mine too though!