Friends falling out

skypie123_2

What was the last conversation they had about Victory?
And has anything big happened in your friends life that the other friend might be bothered/jealous about?

LittleMissInDebt

bestpud wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation at the moment, although the friendship isn't that long!

It's difficult as I'm wondering if I've done something wrong or if it would be resolved if I just went to see her.

Oddly enough, my other friend says to let it go and accept she just isn't interested in being friends any more!

I don't know the answer but I will watch this thread with interest!

I've had this happen to me too and it's not nice. I wasn't friends with my "friend" that long either but we really clicked (and I don't often meet people IRL I really click with) and spent loads of time together until she moved away. After that she stopped answering my phone calls and then deleted me from Facebook (ouch ). I don't know why and even though a year I still miss her sometimes (I know, soppy ). I can only assume that either I was a rubbish friend the month before she left (my grandad had just died and I didn't cope well) or I stopped "adding value", she once told me she thought friends should "add value" to your life. Probably the only thing she ever said I thought was ridiculous and maybe what caused the death of our friendship - who knows

Still seems weird that this time last year her, her four children and partner where on my list of 25 people I wanted at my wedding, and now I wouldn't know what to do if I bumped into her in the street.

victory

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victory

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skypie123_2

How awful for her
Has she gone today to see her? I hope she gets some answers. She sounds like a good friend. Wish I had friends like that.
She is lucky to have you as a friend too, to worry about her.

victory

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ceridwen

thunderbird wrote: »

I don't blame her for doing that - there may some misunderstanding that they can sort out between themselves in person. You don't just throw away a 30 year old friendship like that.

Let her get on with it.

Personally - I think it would be worth her while going up there and trying to sort it out. It may or may not work - but at least she will have tried.

I know that I have been sitting there recently thinking "What on earth happened there? <puzzled smilie>" and thought "I shouldnt have let that go so easily - I should have gone and talked to the friend concerned and asked them what the problem was". My feeling is that A.N. Other (that we both know) has been "in there" "stirring it" for their own reasons and is probably congratulating themselves on having been so effective.

It all feels like a "bit late" now to try and work out why and put things back to normal - but I shouldnt have let a friendship "go to pot" when I have "done nothing wrong" just like that and expected them to realise what was what and be concerned to "put things right". I should have "gone in there" and queried (as tactfully as I could manage) as to whether the A.N. Other concerned had been "stirring it" for their own purposes and had said that I had said/done things that I know very well I havent.

Sometimes there ARE A.N.Others who "stir things" for their own reasons and I expect your friend wants to give it a chance to see if there has been someone in there "with a wooden spoon" before they give up on a friendship they value.

I think this is something that probably happens to many of us at some point and I would say (in hindsight) that it is worth seeing if someone else has been "in there" "troublemaking".

Hopefully - your friend will be able to sort it out and things will get back on track and that will be good. But - even if she cant - and there has been "a stirrer" in there having a good go at stirring and that person has done such a good job of "stirring" that the friend wont believe what has happened - then, at the least, she can console herself that she told the truth/tried to put things right - so she did the best she could to restore the "status quo ante".


Hope things work out for her.

I really do think your friend needs to go and try and sort things out - for the sake of her peace of mind. Either way - whether it works or doesnt (and your friend may - or may not - come back with an "answer" as to what happened) she will need you there to listen and either commiserate on the one hand or congratulate her on having sorted things out on the other hand.

victory

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ceridwen

Victory

The "stirrer" theory is certainly one worth investigating. By now - I've seen "stirrers" at work twice in my own life to my knowledge - and it DOES HAPPEN and your friend has probably seen this happen before now and wants to "check it out" to see if this is what has happened and try to put it right and "tell it like it is" if so.

Another time where I've thought "What on earth happened there?" was because the person was here in Britain for some time from another country and it became clear (over time) whilst they were here that they had a health problem (of the bipolar mental health variety) and I think the fact that they "lost touch" when they went back to their own country was to do with this. This would seem to be rather confirmed by the fact that I had a total stranger (to me) that they had also been friendly with whilst in this country ringing me to say that our mutual friend had acted like this to everyone they had known in this country whilst they were here. In this case - I just thought "No-one at fault and nothing personal - and its clearly something to do with this illness that I dont really understand - but I stayed friends with her anyway even once I realised that she had this problem".

There can be a whole variety of reasons why friendships break up. Sometimes its down to a "stirrer", sometimes its because at least one of the people has changed so much, sometimes its because the other person has some sort of health problem that is impacting on things in some way or other and sometimes its just down to the other person not realising how good a friend they have there and getting too busy with other things to "keep in touch".

There can be a variety of reasons - and I DO understand why your friend would wish to know and I believe it would be best for her to at least try and find out - whatever the result is.

Pupnik

LittleMissInDebt wrote: »

I can only assume that either I was a rubbish friend the month before she left (my grandad had just died and I didn't cope well) or I stopped "adding value", she once told me she thought friends should "add value" to your life. Probably the only thing she ever said I thought was ridiculous and maybe what caused the death of our friendship - who knows

I had a friend who was a bit like that too. We met at college and were best friends for the whole time we were there. On the last day I had a notebook I was using to get people to write messages and stuff in, and put photos in, and she wrote something like 'it was nice to have known you, maybe we will meet again some day?' It hadn't occured to me that this friendship was just a temporary fix! I should have been prepared for it though as I do remember early on in our friendship she had a call from an old school friend of hers and she muttered something like 'why is she calling me? We don't go to school any more.' I left that college 10 years ago and have only seen her once since then (it was quite uncomfortable) but weirdly she befriended me on Facebook and I see from her pictures she still meets up with some of our old mutual college friends who she never especially got on with back then- very odd!

I hope the OP's friend is able to sort things out. I think it is worth going, just to be sure. One of my neighbours keeps getting notes and postcards popped through the letterbox asking where she is, why she hasn't called them, she should get in touch etc. Sadly there are never any contact details other than a first name so I can't get in touch with them to let them know she has been in intensive care since January! She came back for a few days over the summer and I asked if she had got her post but she said it had all been stolen so she never got those notes. I have slipped the ones that have since arrived under her door so hopefully she will be able to get in touch with them.

Edit- oh, and I agree that the stirrer idea needs investigating. I once had a very confusing message from an old school friend asking me why I and another of our mutual friends were 'out to get her' and 'determined to ruin her life'. I had NO idea what she was talking about, I hadn't seen her for a few years and we were never that good friends anyway. I shrugged it off as her being paranoid at the time but now I think someone must have said something about me to her and made up some ridiculous story. I'm not sure I'd have the power to ruin someone's life even if I wanted to!