Boyfriend Constantly Oggling....

Roslin8

Hi all,

Sorry for the new identity but I normally post in debt free boards, I need your help over a situation of sorts, something that I am not quite sure how to deal with.

I have been seeing a man for just under a year, a blind date was set up by a friend, I wasnt looking for anything heavy as wasn't long out of a serious relationship, I wasn't initially physically attracted to him probably just intrigued by his job and background (Barrister) and he has always been so complementary and an old style gent. He has always been really keen and has always made me feel great and adored. We have our separate homes and see each other a few times a week and have been on a few weekends away but we are taking things slowly (he was separated for a few years and is now going through a divorce and has children that are still quite young and I don't really want to become involved in that at the moment as I believe its between him and his wife) him 43, me 32.

So the problem is, I have always been quite secure in myself, don't consider myself to be jelous or otherwise. The first weekend we had away a few months into seing each other and we were on a flight back from Italy after a very romantic weekend break, most of the flight back on a plane he just stared/oggled at girl who was sat across from us with her friends, I never thought anything of it, until it was time to get off and when people are getting ready to disembark he was just preoccupied staring. I never said anything as I wasnt quite sure what to say, I was bothered initially but because of the intensity of staring and wonderment of what he was getting out of doing it, I started feeling quite annoyed, the girl wasn't looking back at him?

Next occasion I really noticed it was another weekend break away and after a lovely intimate evening, the next morning for breakfast we went to a cafe and he blatently kept staring at a woman sitting a few tables away, he was so distracted that when we were having a conversation he never quite heard what I was saying, so at that time I thought, ok dont really know what to say, so I asked him if he was okay and seemed distracted and he just smiled and said 'tired from last night!' then I proceeded to look over at men who came in (don't think he noticed me doing this!). I left it at that and never said much else about it.

Its actually this most recent occasion that has me a bit aggrieved! we got back from a short trip away a few days ago, a day or two into the getaway we went to see the sights and were in a famous art gallery, lots of tourists and as it was a hot city lots of girls were wearing typical summer wear. He spent the entire time staring at every girl/woman that walked past or were looking at the artwork, so much so I went from my normal bubbly self to pretty quiet and let go of his hand and wandered around the exhibition just ahead of him.

Now I am not against men looking at other women occasionally, its hard not to look at something pretty or eyecatching, I do it with men I find attractive but his oggling is really making me feel quite odd. He does it to the point of complete distraction if we are doing anything nice together. The rest of the day I was pretty quiet and he did notice, yet I never said anything because I suppose I didnt want to come across as some kind of nutcase! as he is so sweet and kind and complementary to me, he never makes me feel unattractive in fact the opposite, thats why I am finding it hard to mention when I notice him doing this. I know if I mention it he will stop doing it and be apologetic for making me feel uncomfortable but as silly as this is going to sound, I wouldn't want him to purposefully have to refrain from looking and then trying to do it when he thinks I am not looking?

I am sorry this all sounds a bit silly, but its hard to say something lighthearted yet letting him know I have noticed him doing this. how would you react if the staring was at such an intense level you could call it oggling yet you knew that he really adored you? I know not monet saving but please dont move it as i would like some honest feedback!

sashadesade

Honestly, what he's doing just sounds weird. It's one thing checking people out, but it's quite another to stare at someone for a protracted period of time to the exclusion of everything else. Personally I wouldn't be as bothered about him looking at other women as the fact he's being so damn creepy about it.
I don't see any way around it but to tell him how uncomfortable it is. I wouldn't be lighthearted about it, he needs to know it's a serious problem. Honestly I think you'd be doing the guy a favour as he's going to get his lights punched out by an irate boyfriend if he keeps it up.

Roslin8

Thanks for your reply sashashade, funny thing is I thought that too, even made a comment in general to that effect, he noticed a man staring at me once and I said, its just so creepy when men stare like that makes me feel really uncomfortable in the hopes that he would pick up on it, but i sometimes genuinely feel he has no idea he is doing it!

diable

Next time he does it just slap him call him "!!!!!!!o" and try to pretend that you are Italian and fiery

Kay_Peel

He sounds like a perv to me.:D

I always think you should trust a woman's first instincts about a man. You say that you were not attracted to him - I bet there was something more than his physical appearance that put you off. His job was intriguing, he had good manners, was complementary and a girl has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince etc.

I think there are one of three reasons why he ogles to the point of going into a coma:

1. It's a deliberate act to make you insecure.

2. He is fantasising. He is absorbing everything about the other woman for later 'dreams'.

3. He fancies himself. If he stares at her long enough she'll turn around and look at him, maybe. She won't feel threatened because she can see he's with another woman, probably his wife. He wouldn't dare to ogle her if he were alone.

I can tell that you are not prepared to ask him outright about his fantasies and lust-filled leering, so why not say something like 'What a very attractive girl! Like blondes, do you?'
or
'Steady old boy/tiger - I think she's out of your league'


Either way, trust your instincts that he's a creepy slug.

I hope he's not the same barrister who, during a trial, sent me a note via the Usher. It said: 'Are you Caroline and did we meet at Dino's?' :think:

I looked across the courtroom and saw him leering at me and then wink. What a big-headed cretin.

I wrote on the note: 'No and No' :whistle: and gave it back to the Usher.

Roslin8

I would love to do that!!!

diable

He's just a leech, if he's a barister was he educated privately maybe in a boarding school all boys?

Roslin8

Thanks for your reply kay peel! I think you may be right with some of your points! he had quite a sheltered ubringing and was packed off to school at 6 years old having limited contact with his parents and I know he is more than a little insecure about his manliness, I think his wife wore the trousers in their household. he has made comments on quite a few occasions that he doesnt know why I am about like he can't believe it. I have told him I like him for him, maybe he is trying to gauge my reaction.

I once got the feeling that he was doing it so he may get a glance back proving he was in fact still attractive to women, I feel sometimes what he has got isnt enough. I suppose thats why I am not fully letting go and holding back on further commitment.

Yes I get the feeling barristers are all a sleazy bunch, he took me to his place of work and some of them were ogglers too! and dont get me started on the Judges!

Roslin8

diable wrote: »

He's just a leech, if he's a barister was he educated privately maybe in a boarding school all boys?

Yes Diable spot on!

DUTR

Roslin8 wrote: »

Hi all,

Sorry for the new identity but I normally post in debt free boards, I need your help over a situation of sorts, something that I am not quite sure how to deal with.

I have been seeing a man for just under a year, a blind date was set up by a friend, I wasnt looking for anything heavy as wasn't long out of a serious relationship, I wasn't initially physically attracted to him probably just intrigued by his job and background (Barrister) and he has always been so complementary and an old style gent. He has always been really keen and has always made me feel great and adored. We have our separate homes and see each other a few times a week and have been on a few weekends away but we are taking things slowly (he was separated for a few years and is now going through a divorce and has children that are still quite young and I don't really want to become involved in that at the moment as I believe its between him and his wife) him 43, me 32.

So the problem is, I have always been quite secure in myself, don't consider myself to be jelous or otherwise.

The first weekend we had away a few months into seing each other and we were on a flight back from Italy after a very romantic weekend break, most of the flight back on a plane he just stared/oggled at girl who was sat across from us with her friends, I never thought anything of it, until it was time to get off and when people are getting ready to disembark he was just preoccupied staring. I never said anything as I wasnt quite sure what to say, I was bothered initially but because of the intensity of staring and wonderment of what he was getting out of doing it, I started feeling quite annoyed, the girl wasn't looking back at him?

Next occasion I really noticed it was another weekend break away and after a lovely intimate evening, the next morning for breakfast we went to a cafe and he blatently kept staring at a woman sitting a few tables away, he was so distracted that when we were having a conversation he never quite heard what I was saying, so at that time I thought, ok dont really know what to say, so I asked him if he was okay and seemed distracted and he just smiled and said 'tired from last night!' then I proceeded to look over at men who came in (don't think he noticed me doing this!). I left it at that and never said much else about it.

Its actually this most recent occasion that has me a bit aggrieved! we got back from a short trip away a few days ago, a day or two into the getaway we went to see the sights and were in a famous art gallery, lots of tourists and as it was a hot city lots of girls were wearing typical summer wear. He spent the entire time staring at every girl/woman that walked past or were looking at the artwork, so much so I went from my normal bubbly self to pretty quiet and let go of his hand and wandered around the exhibition just ahead of him.

Now I am not against men looking at other women occasionally, its hard not to look at something pretty or eyecatching, I do it with men I find attractive but his oggling is really making me feel quite odd. He does it to the point of complete distraction if we are doing anything nice together. The rest of the day I was pretty quiet and he did notice, yet I never said anything because I suppose I didnt want to come across as some kind of nutcase! as he is so sweet and kind and complementary to me, he never makes me feel unattractive in fact the opposite, thats why I am finding it hard to mention when I notice him doing this. I know if I mention it he will stop doing it and be apologetic for making me feel uncomfortable but as silly as this is going to sound, I wouldn't want him to purposefully have to refrain from looking and then trying to do it when he thinks I am not looking?

I am sorry this all sounds a bit silly, but its hard to say something lighthearted yet letting him know I have noticed him doing this. how would you react if the staring was at such an intense level you could call it oggling yet you knew that he really adored you? I know not monet saving but please dont move it as i would like some honest feedback!

Interesting post (only this evening I have had a 'heart to heart' with one of my female friends) , now if you are a regular visitor with a new screen name then you may have seen some of my posts and know chances are I'm a male, now then there have been some strong words about your 'partner' perv, weirdo etc. Sadly you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and the final summary will be to let the aquaintancy with him go

Why? Because deep down you know that is where it is going to lead , BOTH parties have to claim blame and if you did not beleive this to be true then why the new screen name? Ok you didn't wan't anything serious, so as such his 'bad practices' should be accepted as part of his character, initially you have chosen to be with him for the same wrong reasons he is with you and now you are next to diarising what he does when you are out together, which in a way is approaching the same level of 'perv, creepy and weird' ways, naturally you want to be with somebody you feel comfortable with and I'm sure he does too :cool:
A relationship is not about She is right and He is wrong, whilst one party is feeling uncomfortable the relationship is 'doomed' and if he changes so that you feel comfortable then he maybe feeling uncomfortable , perhaps to an extent where he realises his relationship with his wife was not so bad after all?
From reading many of the episodes on here in addition to life experiences I would have to say a succesful pairing is about appreciating someone's positives and accepting their negatives irrespective of gender

jayII

If you don't like it, don't put up with it!

I don't want to be harsh, bit I can't understand why you didn't say something the first or second time he did it. It sounds as if he is totally unaware that he is doing, and needs a clear 'oy, I'm over here, not over there!' I've done the same to my OH in the early days of our relationship and he would never behave like that now. It's completely unnacceptable.

If I'm out with a man I expect him to be with me, and you should too. If you've already told him it's not acceptable and he still does it, then he doesn't deserve your time and attention. But, if he is genuinely unaware of doing it, then he just needs to be brought into line and told what is and is not acceptable. We can all do stupid things without realising we're doing them. We rely on the people who care about us to point out that certain behaviours are not socially acceptable. If he has been in a male environment for much of his life, and only had a few relationships, he may just not have been shown the error of his ways.