Putting your childbearing days behind you

Spendless

I'm in my mid-40s but didn't have kids until my 30s. Apart from a very brief desire (few weeks) of hankering for a third, which then went. I have no desire for other children. I think about the next stage in my life, where I can go supermarket shopping when DH isn't home without having to take my 8yo with me, a time when I can go somewhere straight after work without having to rush home to get to the school playground for 3.30pm. A time when I can look at what's on at the cinema/theatre and just go with my husband, instead of thinking who can I ask to babysit.

I also have a job, a very basic, temporary one, but I view it as a stepping stone to something else when my children are older.

Nara

I would love another , I only have one

sealady

I am probably in the minority here. I have two wonderful kids 16 and 12. I had loads of gynae problems after the birth of my son and my then husband now ex and I decided he should have the snip. It was not that much of a decision we were both happy with our lot. When I was 28 I had to have a Endometrial ablation so both knew that we could never have more kids.

I remember when we were asked by the doctors what would happen if you spilt and met other people and wanted more kids. I always knew that I never wanted more kids and still have no desire to have any now.

Being on my own now I love having the freedom of a few hours of me time and being able to have my own life. I am about to turn 40 and feel it's my opportnity to live my life. I've have never had the luxury of having any grandparents to look after the kids as they were growing up. It's always been my responsiblity so I suppose now its payback time. On the subject of grandkids they will be welcome but hopefully not for a long long time. I believe that if you have kids they are your responsiblity and won't mind helping out on the odd occassion but I defintely won't be a full time child minder for the grandkids.

Kay_Peel

We are lucky in many respects - some of us have been able to choose when and how many children we want. We don't usually die in childbirth and there is a good chance that our children will live to be adults. We have contraception, maternity services, access to abortions if required, assisted conceptions and a great deal of information on hand. It wasn't too long ago that childbirth was something to be feared. Child mortality was a fact of life for my ancestors. (Both my sets of grandparents lost children before the age of 9 to measles and TB). Childless couples had no hope of a baby unless they adopted.

I was talking to a very elderly woman recently and she told me a story that shocked me. In the 1950s she was having difficulty conceiving and the consultant organised an operation to 'unblock her tubes'. After the operation he told her that everything had gone according to plan and that he would see her in three months.

She went to see the consultant and was on top of the world because, finally and after so many years, she was pregnant. He said: "Don't be ridiculous woman. I removed your womb. It was useless and you're better off without it." In those days consultants were unaccountable and acted like gods. It wasn't done to question them - they knew best. He dismissed her and she collapsed outside.

When I think of what mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers went through, I count my blessings. (Two!)

milliemonster

I am 38 and had my last child aged 30, so I now have 2 of 12 and 8, I have been through very similar and very occasionally still have pangs of wanting another baby, but as soon as I see someone else with a young baby or if I'm out shopping and hear a toddler with a tantrum it brings me back down to earth with a bump!

I am now at the stage where my youngest is growing up and I am starting to get my independence back and I think then key thing is to find something to absorb you in your life that you would find difficult to do if you had young children again, for us we like to go walking in the mountains regularly and would have to give this up if we had another baby. I must admit I have no desire to be a grandmother either!! not for a long long time as I still feel far too young myself!

So for me, I have accepted that those days of nappies and bottles are behind me and I no longer envy anyone going through it, I am so glad I have my life back, you spend what seems a large proportion of your life tied with a young family that it's easy to forget that you were you before you became a parent with your own unique interests and independent life, you just need to discover that again

Bumpmakesfour

Those feelings are very hard to ignore,I could literally feel my womb twanging at the sight of a newborn,so difficult to describe.
I had three very close together (16 month age gaps) then spent over 4 years trying for another whilst everyone around us told us we were mad.We were told to be grateful for those we had which I found THE most ridiculous thing anyone could say because blatantly our kids are our lives and we are very very grateful for them!
Anyway eventually we ended up at a very blunt fertility consultant who took one look at me and my BMI of 35 or so and told me to come back when I'd lost 3 stone and could show I was serious~she actually laughed with the reg sat next to her as we went and said " we won't be seeing them again":o.So that night hubby and I joined Slimming world,hubby booked an appt at the smoking cessation clinic and I joined the local gym/pool.
Fast forward 5 months and there we were at the gobsmacked cons desk with me having lost 4.5 stone and hubby 2 stone lighter and a non smoker Two courses of clomid later and here I am 25 weeks pregnant with a baby boy due on new years eve:D The kids are so excited about a baby arriving and talking to bump all the time.
So I was one of the ladies who couldn't ignore the feelings so can't give any advice really

FBaby

I have two children and will be 41 in two months. I'd always kind of wished to have another child although my two were very difficult babies and my memories of the first year are not all good, but things were not good with my ex at the time and knew it would be mad to consider it. 5 years after separating, at 38, having had no relationship during that time, I met my soulmate. He had no children despite having been married and I was over the moon when he asked me how I would feel having a baby together. I stopped the pill right away and couldn't believe it when I fell pregnant first month trying. Unfortunately, it ended in a traumatic miscarriage (suspected ectopic). We tried again right away, I was then desperate to experience the feelings of eliation of being pregnant again, but it didn't happen. After 6 months, we were told that my OH swimmers were not very good and with my age, our chance of falling pregnant naturally was minimal. We discussed IVF, agreed to go for it once, but in the meantime, my OH started to question everything and somehow convinced himself that he was too old to be a dad at 43. I continued to hope that it would happen naturally, but 2 1/2 years later and still nothing, I am now accepting it won't happen.

The rollercoaster of ttc have taken its toll on my emotions and I am shattered from it all, the planning, the hope and disappointment. I myself accept that I am too old too, too tired, and not prepared with all the demands of a new child. I am moving on ok most of the time. Instead of focussing on the joy of motherhood, feeling envy when I see a mum with a newborn, jealousy when I hear of a friend's pregnancy, I now focus on all the things I wouldn't be able to do. Almost every evening I crash in bed in exhaustion, I feel the relief that I know I will be getting 8 hours uninterrupted sleep. During the weekend (as in now!), I enjoy the fact I can stay in bed and then do what I want. I remind myself how different our holidays would be if we had a baby, not being to do half of the things we do, and not being to rest on the beach without a care in the world! I think of the finances too, how our bank account would be £800 poorer every months with the cost of childcare!

More and more often, this is enough to convince me! I still feel the uncontrollable urge to do the deed around ovualation time. Without doind any tests, I know when it is, and I do get a bit upset if we don't and know there is really NO chance at all that I could be pregnant, but I don't live in hope any longer that my period won't show. I would be utterly shocked if it happened. I trully believe that I won't be pregnant a 4th time and that it because it is meant to be.

Alikay

I'm 50 and my children are all grown up. DH had a vasectomy a couple of years after we had the last one: It wouldn't have been practical, financially wise or fair on our existing 3 children to have had more, so it was the right decision and not one we've regretted. However we both love the caring and nurturing side of child rearing and are pretty good at it. So we've been fostering for a couple of years. Not long-term (that would be a massive commitment) but for varying lengths of time dependent on need. We have been able to channel our parenting abilities into something worthwhile and we even get paid for it (OK, not a lot, but it helps).

Sometimes you have to let your head rule your heart with planning a family, but you can still use those nurturing skills in other ways. Just don't watch the show with the Duggar Family (19 Kids and Counting) - they make it look so easy!!

empy

Oh Dandy candy I so know what your saying, I'm slightly younger at 30 with two boys aged 12 and almost 11 and am actually planning to hopefully become pregnant next year, I say hopefully because hubbie had a vasectomy a few months after my youngest was born when I was quite ill with PND. Once I had recovered I was devasted when I realised that my baby making days were over- I have begged hubbie to have a reversal for years! He has finally agreed to a reversal next year if I can get both of us fitter and to lose a few pounds! I too keep hoping hubbies tubes rejoin- so does he as that means he wont need the op, lol. I hope the feelings pass soon for you but sadly have no suggestions as none have worked for me over the past 10 years Maybe get a puppy or kitten!

dandy-candy

Thank you all so much for your kind replies and moving stories. Fostering or adoption wouldn't be possible because DH doesn't really want to go back to having kiddies again which I understand as he is nearly 50 and gets tired out easily. I do think the poster who said redescovering "me" again is right, I think I need to find other ways of leading a fullfiling life other than being a mummy (just until I can be a granny!) and so I will look at courses.
I would love a dog!!! I haven't had one since I left home as a kid myself so this could be on the cards...
Good luck bumpmakesfour, thats such exciting news!