Putting your childbearing days behind you

dandy-candy

I'm 38 and have 3 fantastic kids I love to bits. I had my last "baby" at 25 and my DH had a vasectomy afterwards as we decided 3 was enough. I know that sounds like I should have accepted my childbearing days were over but now my children are grown I am looking at other mums little ones and really missing having kiddies again! Secretly everytime my peiod is late I am hoping my DH's tubes have miraculously joined up again and i'm pregnant!
I know we could get it reversed and start trying again, but deep down I know it isn't practical and this is just a phase that will pass eventually. I am really looking forward to being granny but that is many years off most likely and I expect they don't feel as much "yours" as your own babies but maybe i'm wrong?
How do other people come to terms with facing up to that part of their life being over? I love my kids so much and was (still am!) a very cuddly mummy, I just miss "babying" them I guess.

neneromanova

can you get a puppy? something that needs your help and attention? We've just bought a Pug Puppy and he's like having another child. he's currently snuggled on my lap fast asleep like always.

Lotus-eater

I don't know, you just do. Maybe as a bloke it's different, I wanted another one recently, but I feel I'm too old now and don't think it's fair on the child, plus I think we do 2 very well, another one and we'd be a bit pushed.
So you just accept it, part of life, everyone's the same, we'd all like the things that we love, to carry on forever, but they don't.

emma12345

Would you consider childminding or babysitting? The two best childminders for my children by far were older people who had the time and experience for my children. They were a lot better than the young mum childminders we tried that seemed to be doing it so they could spend time with their babies and make a bit of money on the side, and had no real interest in the kids they minded! That was my experience anyway.

Enjoy your free time for now anyway, it may not be long before the grandchildren arrive.

flutterby_lil

I am 30 and currently pregnant with number 2 - my OH has a daughter too, so that will mean we have 3 every other weekend. We have decided that is enough. However since reading your post I am think in 5 years will I be the same as you? I had never really thought about it until now.

Lotus-eater

Some women like you have taken jobs recently in a local play group on a part time basis, something to think about?

jackomk

I would like to know the answer to this too....at 43 with a 23yr old and 14yr old. I had lots of problems between and after having them, but sometimes the yearning to carry another child overwhelms me. So how do you get past that and realize you have had your time ??

ginvzt

I am 32 (almost), and have no children. Not my choice - we have been trying for 4 years.

It is hard when you can't get what you want. I used to get very upset with the news about someone else getting pregnant in the first years. I always kept thinking that they 'stole' my chance. Still do - but I know it is not going to be easy for us to have a baby, I have been diagnosed with very low ovarian reserve, where my chances to have my own baby were put at less than 5%. We are having a second go at IVF at the moment, and I keeping my mind from running away in dreams. (the 5% where with IVF!)

I have got a cat. He is the most sociable cat I have ever seen and he loves being with us - he doesn't like being on his own, and in is always next to me. He even complains if I haven't sat on the sofa soon enough after coming home so that he could curl up on my lap for a nap and a cuddle!

Pets aside, they cannot replace a child. But they are there for you and don't talk back, don't request latest mobile phones or other gadgets, Apart from being fussy with the food time from time.

I used to avoid being close to the babies, and pregnant ladies, as I always felt sad and jealous, I guess. I never wanted to put a shadow on their happiness. However, as time goes and I found out why were unsuccessful for this long, I am getting over all this. To the extent that we went to spend a week with our friends on holiday and they have 2 children - 3 year old girl and 4 month old boy. I enjoyed being with them, and even though occasionally a thought came through that I would love to have all this, I was happy to be there and play with them, and be the another aunt who will help them to put on the pyjama, or will hold them in the arms until they fall asleep.

We have a godson as well, who is 3, and he gets all the attention we have when we see him - he lives in another country, so we only see him occasionally, but I do send him gifts time from time, and he loves our cat and always asks for Puffo when we go to visit him (although our cat is scared of children!).

So, in other words - you just get by. It takes time to accept that it may never happen. Don't take this time away from yourself. Give yourself as long as you need to come to the state of mind where you are happy.

Also, you say your children are grown-up now - how old is the oldest one? I guess no more than 20? You never know, time will fly by and soon you might be a grandma (even if you feel too young to be one!). I would suggest be there for your children and be as supportive and as close to them as you can. Don't take it wrong way - but I am only saying this because I even if I got lucky one day, I cannot imagine my mum being around (she would like - I wouldn't!). We have never been close, and I wouldn't like to leave my children (hypothetical) with her for even a day.

Sorry for a long post, I just wanted to share...

lady1964

I had my last child when I was 30 - I'm 47 now - We decided 3 was enough (our first was born when I was a month short of my 24th birthday, my 2nd when I was 27) so I got sterilised when I was 32.

Fast forward 2 years and I went into the menopause, which I was devastated about as I had gone through periods of thinking I might see if my sterilisation could be reversed (I had my tubes clipped so thought they could just be removed). However, clearly the menopause put an end to that.

I was quite depressed to be going through that at 35 and the thought that my child bearing days were really over.

It took a while but I began to see the upsides of not being able to have more children. I looked at how much easier it was to plan a day out - no more big bag full of baby requirements (nappies etc), no more sleepless nights, no more potty training and as they've got older, we have more freedom and can go out as a couple with no more military planning - we used to have to drive a 120 mile round trip to leave our kids with either set of parents for an overnight stay if we wanted a Saturday night out. Holidays have got cheaper as we only took one daughter away with us this year and next year will be a biggie on our own.
We're both still under 50 and we are now reaping the benefits of the decision we made when I was 32. We have 2 delightful adult children and one of almost 17 at home, we don't want grand-children yet please and we are now seeing the benefits of having our children quite young as we plan to travel to places out of school holidays that have been too expensive to think about going to before. We enjoy family meals out but it's lovely to go out as a couple and our kids respect that.

As others have suggested OP, why not work with kids in a nursery, is that a possibility?

picnic

im 44, had my last 'baby' 16yrs ago and also had an hysterectomy last year, so I know I can never have any more, my eldest daughter has got a 2yrs old and I love being a nanny, but its not the same as your own.. I think Im lucky as my clock stopped ticking a few years ago when 'problems' started that ended with the op..
I love the fact that my children are old enough to be left to get on with what ever they want.. can cook and clean for them selves.. and are getting ready (not the 16 but the 18yr old is) to fly the nest. I get to come and go as I want now (not something you can do with a baby)...

But as the OP is suffering with the ticking clock... have you thought about either fostering or adoption??

jakes-mum

Im 32, I have a 10 year old and 3 year old. After first I had no inclination to have a second, it was actually DS that convinced me to have his sister, but ever since i've had her ive wanted a 3rd, maybe its because her birth was so much easier or because I knew what I was doing second time round but I have many periods of wanting one.

But im too sick to carry another baby let alone care for it, and DH has 4 children in total and he is done. I know my baby days are over and am thankful DD is still young enough for me to baby her a bit, but it upsets me that i'll never get that first baby hold again.

On the grandparent side, my mother loves having my 2, she is more patient with them, I think because she knows she can give them back lol. but also because the financial obligation isnt there, she isnt robbing peter to pay paul for some school shoes or cutting down her own clothes to make an outfit for one of the kids to wear, she can just enjoy them. Each time they come she plays with them because the house can wait till they go, I think she enjoys being a gran more than she enjoyed being a mum for the simple fact she can 'enjoy' it.