DD Self Harming

onlyroz

There isn't always a definite reason or cause for self-harming. Young people often put themselves under a lot of pressure (particularly when it comes to passing exams etc) and self-harming can be seen as the only thing in their lives that they have full control over, rather than having all the big decisions made for them.

moments_of_sanity

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Hi I just wanted to say that I think you are doing amazing well the way you have reacted and the way you are treating your daughter. It can't be easy for you but its obvious how much you are putting aside your feelings to make sure you support your daughter needs the best you can with the limited knowledge you have.

I saw this journal a while ago and like the idea and even though it doesn't focus on self harm I wondered if it would be a good source for you and your daughter to communicate and express yourselves, I will put the link below, it doesn't have any reviews on Amazon UK but it does on the US site so I will link the reviews too.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Between-Us-No-Stress-No-Rules/dp/0811868958

http://www.amazon.com/Just-Between-Us-No-Stress-No-Rules/product-reviews/0811868958/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Thank you so much for these links, the book looks fantastic so I am going to order one for us - if nothing else it will get us chatting about all sorts of things.

moments_of_sanity

onlyroz wrote: »

There isn't always a definite reason or cause for self-harming. Young people often put themselves under a lot of pressure (particularly when it comes to passing exams etc) and self-harming can be seen as the only thing in their lives that they have full control over, rather than having all the big decisions made for them.

Thank you for your comment, she has said she has no real idea why she did it, she was just angry. Having read a lot on the internet it does seem to be something that a lot of people who self harm say.

She has spent the evening with us drawing, she is a fantastic artist and can draw so easily - we had a little challenge earlier, she didn't believe that people found it so difficult to draw - she drew an elephant and so did I, mine had odd ears, was lop sided and looked awful, DD's was fantastic (and very little effort)........she believed me at the end of it

chocolate.buttons

Hi again OP, just a quick query about the cream/oils you are looking at to help improve your daughter's scars - did she ask you about them/mention this to you? Obviously everybody recovers differently, but I know a lot of people who have needed to come to terms with their scars as part of the recovery process (myself included!).
Whilst it is so clear that you have been super in supporting your daughter so far, and clearly are looking for as many ways to help as possible, I wonder if maybe she might feel that you wanting to help reduce her scars is a bit like trying to 'pretend it never happened' - I truly don't believe that you are but your daughter might still be in a fragile state of mind and view it like this. This is all just prompted by the way you described her reaction when you spoke about it.
If your daughter says she would like a cream/oil, I personally didn't rate Bio-Oil, although haven't tried the version suggested by Messed Up earlier. Boots sell a silicone gel in the pharmacy area for bad scarring, even as bad as surgical scars etc. This worked wonders for my friend - it's expensive at about £20 for the tube but if it works, it might be better than buying lots of different things that don't help.
It's great that you are able to have small, honest chats about it all, and I really hope that things continue to go well for you both. Best wishes.

Lara44

Dear MOS

I also self harmed while a young teenager. Like your daughter I was such a 'good' and 'nice' girl that I didn't want to ruin everyone else's image of me. Rather than lashing out, I just seemed to sink under an unexplainable weight. For a few years I had that 'waving not drowning' feeling that everyone else thought I was happy and well but I was just - lost. My parents weren't particularly strict but I had to defer at all times to adult authority. I felt I had no control over my life.

You seem like such a caring and very nice Mum. It's great you have been having chats with your daughter about what she likes and what she's been watching on youtube. Listening to her is everything. You will learn to 'hear' so much more than you do now. Are there ways you can give her more control, so the control-seeking behaviour doesn't manifest through self harm? More responsibility but a bigger 'say' in how the house is run for example? Some job or work experience?

Oddly, she might need your permission to be upset or angry in front of you. Are there any physical activities you could do together that are wild / muddy / undisciplined? Could you both let out some of the anger together like this? Just go wild and be totally spontaneous? This would show her more positive releases.

moments_of_sanity

chocolate.buttons wrote: »

Hi again OP, just a quick query about the cream/oils you are looking at to help improve your daughter's scars - did she ask you about them/mention this to you? Obviously everybody recovers differently, but I know a lot of people who have needed to come to terms with their scars as part of the recovery process (myself included!).
Whilst it is so clear that you have been super in supporting your daughter so far, and clearly are looking for as many ways to help as possible, I wonder if maybe she might feel that you wanting to help reduce her scars is a bit like trying to 'pretend it never happened' - I truly don't believe that you are but your daughter might still be in a fragile state of mind and view it like this. This is all just prompted by the way you described her reaction when you spoke about it.
If your daughter says she would like a cream/oil, I personally didn't rate Bio-Oil, although haven't tried the version suggested by Messed Up earlier. Boots sell a silicone gel in the pharmacy area for bad scarring, even as bad as surgical scars etc. This worked wonders for my friend - it's expensive at about £20 for the tube but if it works, it might be better than buying lots of different things that don't help.
It's great that you are able to have small, honest chats about it all, and I really hope that things continue to go well for you both. Best wishes.

Thank you for your comments, they are really useful and not something I have looked at. I did buy her some cream with Jojoba and vitamin E in and asked her last night if it was any good.......she replied with a very big smile that it made her face feel lovely!!!

Maybe like you say, she isn't ready for it yet so will maybe mention it again in another month or so, I just didn't want her to feel like I wasn't interested in them or taking it seriously.

moments_of_sanity

Lara44 wrote: »

Dear MOS

I also self harmed while a young teenager. Like your daughter I was such a 'good' and 'nice' girl that I didn't want to ruin everyone else's image of me. Rather than lashing out, I just seemed to sink under an unexplainable weight. For a few years I had that 'waving not drowning' feeling that everyone else thought I was happy and well but I was just - lost. My parents weren't particularly strict but I had to defer at all times to adult authority. I felt I had no control over my life.

You seem like such a caring and very nice Mum. It's great you have been having chats with your daughter about what she likes and what she's been watching on youtube. Listening to her is everything. You will learn to 'hear' so much more than you do now. Are there ways you can give her more control, so the control-seeking behaviour doesn't manifest through self harm? More responsibility but a bigger 'say' in how the house is run for example? Some job or work experience?

Oddly, she might need your permission to be upset or angry in front of you. Are there any physical activities you could do together that are wild / muddy / undisciplined? Could you both let out some of the anger together like this? Just go wild and be totally spontaneous? This would show her more positive releases.

We have two dogs and she adores them so we have found a group of dog walkers and are going to join them on Sunday, she loves seeing other dogs and being able to fuss them all so hopefully it will be a nice afternoon for her but like the idea of going 'wild', just not sure my wild would be to her taste!!! :rotfl:

lizzywig

I know a lot about self harming, having done it myself, having a best friend who has done it, SIL who has done it to the extreme and MIL who died from it.

I 'got it out of my system' picked myself up and never felt the need to do it again. Neither my SIL or friend do it anymore but their scars are bad - they both had counselling.

You are right to question what to do. The truth is that only the person who is self harming knows what they need and half the time they don't know what they need!

If I were you I would talk to your daughter and ask her what she thinks if she were to have counselling, just to get her feedback. Even if she is against it you can still talk to your GP for advice and support.

CherryBerry_2

pigpen wrote: »

in certain social groups it is not about self harm at all it is about fitting in and if you dont have scars to compare you are the freak.. DD1 was one of these.. she was told not to be so stupid and about septicaemia and other diseases she could catch.. soon put her off.

counselling wont do her any harm but it is normal behaviour fo many teens, especially girls..

Did you ever get your DD's side of this story? Is this what she has told you or just an assumption? My DD1 did it for years before I found out and I was devastated to learn how she really felt after yelling at her and blaming her 'emo' friends. It turned out none of her friends even knew and were just as shocked to hear it when I confronted them...

Looking back, it was ridiculous and my DD since had been diagnosed medically and problems found with her biochemistry. I completely overreacted and nearly lost her, don't make the same mistake!!!!

Kazzabell80

Like a few others on here, I am also a self harmer. I used to do it when I was at school (with a maths compass), on my arms which were easy to hide with long sleeve tops etc. Not really sure why I did it then and thought that I was completely over it/grown out of it.

I have to agree with Fannyanna though, as I have recently come to understand that for me, it was a way to feel in control when everything else in my life seems so beyond my control....I have recently been diagnosed with a rare neuro-muscular disease that is uncurable and untreatable, I am currently off work as I am having difficulty coping and am sitting here typing this with six deep cuts on my left foot.

For me, it is an instant release and as I walk I can feel the cuts rubbing in my shoes/slippers/socks and in a strange way, I feel a bit better. I know it is wrong and I would feel so ashamed if my family/DH ever found out (I am currently going to bed with socks on so DH won't find out).

I think that what I am getting at is that if your DD says that she won't do it again, her say so isn't enough. She needs some professional help - I know deep down that is what I need but I know that I am not ready yet.

Btw, I am 31.