DD Self Harming

moments_of_sanity

Whilst my 14 year old DD was reaching up for a packet of crisps today I noticed some marks on her side. I asked her to lift up her shirt and she declined the offer. I eventually got her to lift it and found some really awful looking self harm scars. I then said I wanted to check her legs, again after some refusal she showed me and I have to say it upset me so much I cried!

The scars are awful, on her right side she has about 20+ thin line scars but several really deep looking ones. Her left side has about 15+ thin line scars and one really deep looking ones. Her legs are by far the worst - her left leg has about 7 very large deep scars and over 50+ thin line scars and the left leg has about 100 thin line scars all criss crossed over each other. All the scars have been caused by using a protractor from her maths set.

Once I had got over the initial shock (both of us ended up in tears cuddling each other), I asked why she had done it. She didn't really know but said that the worst of it was done (legs) about 8 months ago and the one's on her side were done at the end of last year. She said she knew some of them were deep enough to need either stitching or stery stripping but she didn't want to 'bother'.

She hasn't done any new ones and all the ones she has are completely healed but I really don't know what to do.

When she was 7 her Nan died of cancer, the same year her Dad left and the next year brought them home and refused to see them anymore (he only lives 5 mins away and doesn't even recognise them now). I remarried last year to a man they both really like but DH's MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer, DH wanted to care for her at our house and I agreed, MIL passed away in November 10 (at our house) so my poor kids have had a life time of pain in a very short period of time and I bitterly regret the decision now to care for DH's Mum at our house (obviously not the care we gave her but I feel I should have considered my DD's more than my MIL).

I really feel I have let my girls down and don't know what to do, DD said she will tell me if she feels the need to do it again (and I will be keeping a closer eye on her) but should I seek some sort of professional help for her - I don't want to upset the apple cart and make her start again but I do want her to be able to talk to someone about it (if she needs to).

Has anyone else experience this in their children or has anyone here self harmed - any advice will be willingly accepted.

concerned43

I really think you need professional advice on this one. Go see your GP and ask for a referal to see a physcologist. I would not let this matter go!!!

meritaten

Yes hun, I would ask your GP to refer her to counselling. It may well be that she won't self harm again. But, if she has bad times in future then perhaps rather than self harm she will get help, if she has positive memories of counselling.
I would say to your daughter that although I trust her not to cut herself, I would be happier if she spoke to a counsellor so that she can work out WHY she cut herself!

elsien

The other alternative is to go through the school - I believe is some areas they can refer to the child and adolescent mental health service.
Which isn't as scary as it sounds. A colleagues son was self harming with a ruler (what is it about school equipment?) although not as badly from the sound of it as your DD, and after being referred it was decided that his main problem was not mental health issues as such, but that he found it very difficult to express himself and just needed someone independent (outside of the family) to talk to. The school were able to offer this, and so far it does seem to be helping. It's not a regular thing, just an allocated person he can go to when he needs to.

fannyanna

I can only imagine how awful and helpless you must feel.

I too used to self harm when I was a teenager. For many years I didn't understand why I did it but eventually I came to realise it was a control thing. I was deeply depressed and desperate not to feel so bad. I would get myself worked into a complete state and I found that cutting myself was a release and would relax me. In effect the self harm was what made me feel better and that gave me a sense of control over my feelings.

I used to cut my arms although I was very good at hiding it by wearing long sleeves. It was a long time before anyone found out. I expect at the time my Mother felt the same way that you do now.

Please do not feel bad or that you should have known. If your daughter is anything like I was you probably had little opportunity to find out what has been going on.

Your daughter is clearly unhappy. Has she told you what it is that has made her unhappy? I think your daughter definately needs some form of help. Whether that is from you or a professional I don't know. One thing I would say is that you should try to work with your daughter and not against her. Forcing her into something will just be counterproductive.

fannyanna

One more thing - it's all very well her saying that she will not do it again but this is her new coping mechanism which she is likely to automatically revert to when she feels distressed. She needs professional help in establishing a new and less destructive coping mechanism.

I never seeked professional help for my self harm but I only stopped when I went a bit too far one day and cut my arm open so badly that I needed stitches. It made me feel so sick that I simply couldn't do it again. The same happened with attempting to commit suicide by taking an overdose. I only stopped because I once got so ill that I physically could not take a tablet again for a very, very long time. I espeically could not swallow enough to attempt an overdose.

onlyroz

I wouldn't get the school involved - the best first step would be via your GP, who can obtain a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

System

I'm another who's going to say get professional help. I've self harmed for 14 years and as someone else said its become my coping mechanism. I'm currently on the waiting list for CBT which is supposed to help.

In the meantime i've found the best way to cope with the urges is to have distraction techniques, anything from snapping a rubber band to drawing on myself with pen

I helped make put together this list of alternatives:
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Self_harm_-_information_and_coping_mechanisms
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Self_harm_-_information_and_coping_mechanisms_(Part_2)

I understand how hard this must be for you, my parents have gone through the same thing with me. The good thing is that she has felt able to talk to her, and you're doing the right thing by asking advice and hopefully seeking help. Oh and there is a bit more info here that has some useful links:
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Self-Harm_Information

*hugs* for you and your daughter

sock-knitter

found this thread after self harming tonight. i have done this for many years as a way of coping.
make an appointment with a gp for your daughter and get her the help she needs.

puddy

yes the first step should be to find safe harming techniques as messedup says, its found to be more helpful to recovery than saying 'dont do that', as that just makes them more secretive and 'bad'

chocolate.buttons

I can also speak from experience here. I would really urge you not to do anything without talking to your daughter about it first. For me, self-harming was a really private thing, and I managed to keep it a secret from everybody for a very long time. Similar to fannyanna, I think mine was related to trying to feel in control and I think I would have felt worse if I felt like that control was being taken away from me by others making decisions on my behalf.
Please take it from me that the fact that your daughter has kept it a secret and has now been able to confide in you somewhat about it is a great step and reflects very positively on the relationship that you both share. She has been able to trust you enough to tell you initially, please don't make her feel like you are going behind her back in any way and potentially jeopardise that trust - if she were to feel likely to self-harm again, that trust could prove vital to enable her to resist and share with you instead.
If I were you, I would discuss your concerns with your daughter and explain that you are thinking about how best to handle any future issues. The tears and upset strike strongly with me, as I felt hugely guilty when my mum found out, and this was how I reacted. Even if she is sure that she is not in that frame of mind anymore, something may trigger it, and it's unlikely that the root cause of the problem will have resolved itself on its own. They will probably offer some form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to help her analyse and deal with any thought patterns that might have triggered the self-harm and help her to find constructive ways of dealing with them, should they arise again.
I would say the best thing to do is speak with your GP, they will be able to refer you to the relevant help (I was referred to the psychiatric&counselling department within a small childrens hospital because I was under 18 - although it depends on the provisions where you live). I was concerned about people finding out at school which might be something that she also feels. If so, she might be able to have only after-school appointments, or some tactful planning on behalf of the school might help make it unnoticeable that she is disappearing! Thanks to my school, no-one even noticed me disappearing every week!
I think the important thing for your daughter is to know that you love and support her, and only want her happiness. That will really mean alot to her right now. Best wishes OP to you and your daughter .