Me and My Girls

deedee71

Yes. He showered with them with mobile phones, xbox, playstation, nintendo etc. He told them if they lived with me they would have to change their name to my maiden name (5 years on I still use my married name so this was utter rubbish).

He's told the boys they can't join his family business (goes back generations) if they don't live with him.

He has brainwashed them to the extend they have swallowed down their feelings of missing me. But it leeches out - DS1 has written in his school work about suicide, DS2 has had to attend anger management classes and DD has put on 3 stone in the 2 years she has lived with him.

sassyblue

What a horrible bully. OP you CAN stand up to him, you've made the first step by asking for help now build on that and your confidence will continue to grow.

A few words of 'wisdom' my sister was married to a control freak once :rotfl: she eventually stood upto him and surprised herself by easy she found it, l'm laughing because l still remember how utterly shocked he was when she stood up to him, he soon slunk away.

The reason l say this is because when she first left him she would take his phone calls where he would rant down the phone for ages, she never said a word just listened and you could see she believed what he was saying (that she was the trouble and he would take the kids and leave her penniless, blah, blah, blah) she didn't even have the nerve to put the phone down, unplug it and IGNORE him. You MUST do this, he can call the girls at certain times but don't take his calls otherwise only if it's something about the girls, as soon as he starts on at you put the phone down, if he comes to the house causing trouble ring the police and get an injunction against him coming to your home. Hit him hard and be consistent.

He won't like it at first but he'll have to get used to it. Remember YOU wouldn't have to do this if THEY weren't unreasonable, tell them that and hopefully they'll change.

You CAN do it, go find a new solicitor, some of them IMO you have to keep on at them otherwise they'll do the least they can for your case, find a new one that'll tie him up in knots, they do exist.

Good luck, you can do this remember!

STOCKWIRE

Sorry but he sounds like a father who cares for his daughters. It's normally a mother who does the things that you mention ~ does that make her a controlling bully ?. If he took a back step and left everything to you, you would be accusing him of abandoning them. It's ok for you to go for full custody but he can't .

As usual the father is in the wrong and its all his fault !!.

Flee_2

If it was 50/50, then your ex should be consulting you not telling you after that he has changed something. Your children are the most important people in this, they trust you and your ex.
And STOCKWIRE how is demanding that he has the kids living with him and that they move schools a fair situation?

I left my ex and took my 2 children because my ex was a bully to me. He still sees his children (randomly without a routine) but if he started making the demands of OP's ex then I would involve my kids and ask what they want. My kids would never live with their Dad full time, because they feel safer with me and more secure. He can not provide a routine for them.

OP you need to stick up for yourself and your kids. The bullying needs to end. Make sure that you record all the bullying and any incidents. Speak to your kids and find out how they feel, or have someone else speak to them. Maybe a health visitor or someone at school.
You need to stop them doing this to your family.

Good luck OP. I hope it all gets sorted. If it was me in this situation, I would have moved away and not let them have access to the kids.

clearingout

STOCKWIRE wrote: »

Sorry but he sounds like a father who cares for his daughters. It's normally a mother who does the things that you mention ~ does that make her a controlling bully ?. If he took a back step and left everything to you, you would be accusing him of abandoning them. It's ok for you to go for full custody but he can't .

As usual the father is in the wrong and its all his fault !!.

a father who cares for his children does not change their GP without first discussing the issue with their mother, nor does he insist on them changing school 25miles away, away from friends they have had for many years and who they will be going to high school with very soon. There is nothing at all caring about this behaviour. This is classic, post-separation abuse which many of us here have experienced to a greater or lesser extent.

OP - see a solicitor. Write yourself out a chronology/time line of events before going and make it clear what you want the outcome to be. A Prohibitive Steps Order will stop him changing the children's schools - I struggle to believe that there are any judges who would not put this in place pending further investigation by CAFCASs.

lala9

clearingout wrote: »

a father who cares for his children does not change their GP without first discussing the issue with their mother, nor does he insist on them changing school 25miles away, away from friends they have had for many years and who they will be going to high school with very soon. There is nothing at all caring about this behaviour. This is classic, post-separation abuse which many of us here have experienced to a greater or lesser extent.

OP - see a solicitor. Write yourself out a chronology/time line of events before going and make it clear what you want the outcome to be. A Prohibitive Steps Order will stop him changing the children's schools - I struggle to believe that there are any judges who would not put this in place pending further investigation by CAFCASs.

Hi Clearingout and thanks for responding. I have sat back and watched this situation unfold knowing full well what the outcome was likely to be. His now wife is even more of a bully than he it seems and has pushed for this move to the different town for a number of years now. She likes to cause trouble for me and once reported me to childrens services for the most ridiculous things (ie feeding them chicken and salad), I hasten to add this was not investigated further. She gives my children the 3rd degree when they return to him and the girls have told me she makes notes etc, he even told me once that she wants full custody when they fell out some time ago. The girls are extremely cagey about what they have done in the week whilst with them and clam up and certainly don't really offer any information to me or my family. They moan alot about her though. He does not have the girls best interests at heart, I know him too well, he is a control freak simple as and wants me out of the frame and she is behind the scenes pushing him to do it. What a horrible situation. I cannot wait to get to the solicitor next week. I have this afternoon telephoned CAFCASS for their advice and they are going to call back in the morning.

lala9

Flee wrote: »

If it was 50/50, then your ex should be consulting you not telling you after that he has changed something. Your children are the most important people in this, they trust you and your ex.
And STOCKWIRE how is demanding that he has the kids living with him and that they move schools a fair situation?

I left my ex and took my 2 children because my ex was a bully to me. He still sees his children (randomly without a routine) but if he started making the demands of OP's ex then I would involve my kids and ask what they want. My kids would never live with their Dad full time, because they feel safer with me and more secure. He can not provide a routine for them.

OP you need to stick up for yourself and your kids. The bullying needs to end. Make sure that you record all the bullying and any incidents. Speak to your kids and find out how they feel, or have someone else speak to them. Maybe a health visitor or someone at school.
You need to stop them doing this to your family.

Good luck OP. I hope it all gets sorted. If it was me in this situation, I would have moved away and not let them have access to the kids.

Hi Flee. I have ignored stockwire's comment not going to waste my key strokes. Thanks for your advice though, this has gone on for years now and I haven't really kept a log, unlike them! Although do have the notes/letters from the last solicitor that got involved. I'm so worried about loosing them we are so close

Flee_2

Fight him lala. Get a solicitor involved and make sure that they cannot do anything without your permission. I hope things work out for you. There is nothing worse than a bullying partner/ ex-partner. You did well to get away from him, but he is still controlling you through your children.
Sounds like your ex's wife did not or cannot have kids. Your kids love you and nothing can break that.

Good luck hun.

lala9

Flee wrote: »

Fight him lala. Get a solicitor involved and make sure that they cannot do anything without your permission. I hope things work out for you. There is nothing worse than a bullying partner/ ex-partner. You did well to get away from him, but he is still controlling you through your children.
Sounds like your ex's wife did not or cannot have kids. Your kids love you and nothing can break that.

Good luck hun.

I intend to Flee. He is very clever though, only today I had a letter from him telling me what he proposes, cleverly worded to make me sound like an ogre. They have a baby now, I think he thinks this gives weight to his argument too.

Flee_2

Speak to a solicitor and take this letter with you, with any other letters or evidence of his bullying. You need to put a stop to his bullying and make sure that your children know what is going on. Have you spoken to them about what he proposes to do, or has he spoken to them?