Is my marriage normal? Advice needed

eveie189

I would just like to say in reply to some of the posts, I haven't said anything nice about him beacuse I was trying to get across the main issues that we are constantly having day to day. We have been together so long mainly because whenever things get bad in an effort not to tear the family apart I usually back down and try to think of the nice things he does occasionally do. As I said to begin with he is one of the most giving and nice natured people I have ever met, but probably due to his background this willingness to help and care doers not appear to apply to me. He won't even come with me to baby group even though I have asked him to come just for 10 minutes as it's the first time I have been.
As for working, we both work and in fact I have been the main breadwinner for the majority of the relationship. I should also point out that I quit smoking 5 years ago because of money but I have never asked DH to stop, that is his choice as it's his pocket money.

I also want to say that the reaosn I posted mainly was because I am confused. I haven't outright decided it is over. I don't want to make a rash or wrong decision as there are 3 kids at stake, so I wanted to hear other peoples experiences. escpecially seeing as at the moment it feels like once the kids are older and gone there will be nothing for me to stay for. It is terrifying to think that we will become like his parents who don't talk for days and now live apart. In a way I want it to work as I would feel like a failure If it didn't but then the arguaments have never changed over the last 10 years. I doubt he will ever stop shouting (which has progressed to swearing as well on occasion) and I have tried evertyhing to get him to open up but nothing seems to work. I understand peoples views on why he is like this but as much as I want to help, he won't try.

Thanks again
Eveie

victory

To be in a relationship that may have a good day here and there and is more about the shouting and walking around on eggs shells is mentally draining and will have future affects on the kids, you don't want them to get to the stage of was it me? Did I do something wrong? It is not a good environment for them to be in and a prefered one is no shouting, no attacking, no uncertainty.

The kids as well as you do not deserve this, you have tried talking to him, he either doesn't talk to you or shouts, uhm, not a very adult relationship.

You could go on asking him to tone it down, to behave, to be reasonable but it has been going on for so long, he has been getting away with terrible behaviour and maybe feel you will put up with it indefinetely and you will be together forever.

If you are not in love with him, don't love him, cannot make him understand, he won't talk to you, won't try to resolve it, won't go to counselling and the kids are suffering also what is there to stay for?

Hope? You have done that? Change? Well it comes and goes but mainly goes, the kids? Oh no they are so desperate for it to end.

Imagine when they wake up, their minds would not be filled with the usual nonsense of kids like what am I going to do at school? What is for lunch? Will I go out later and see my friends? No, theirs will be will my dad shout today, will I be in the wrong today, will I be upset today? Not an ideal childhood you would agree?

renegade

eveie189 wrote: »

I would just like to say in reply to some of the posts, I haven't said anything nice about him beacuse I was trying to get across the main issues that we are constantly having day to day. We have been together so long mainly because whenever things get bad in an effort not to tear the family apart I usually back down and try to think of the nice things he does occasionally do. As I said to begin with he is one of the most giving and nice natured people I have ever met, but probably due to his background this willingness to help and care doers not appear to apply to me. He won't even come with me to baby group even though I have asked him to come just for 10 minutes as it's the first time I have been.
As for working, we both work and in fact I have been the main breadwinner for the majority of the relationship. I should also point out that I quit smoking 5 years ago because of money but I have never asked DH to stop, that is his choice as it's his pocket money.

I also want to say that the reaosn I posted mainly was because I am confused. I haven't outright decided it is over. I don't want to make a rash or wrong decision as there are 3 kids at stake, so I wanted to hear other peoples experiences. escpecially seeing as at the moment it feels like once the kids are older and gone there will be nothing for me to stay for. It is terrifying to think that we will become like his parents who don't talk for days and now live apart. In a way I want it to work as I would feel like a failure If it didn't but then the arguaments have never changed over the last 10 years. I doubt he will ever stop shouting (which has progressed to swearing as well on occasion) and I have tried evertyhing to get him to open up but nothing seems to work. I understand peoples views on why he is like this but as much as I want to help, he won't try.

Thanks again
Eveie

I have been in your situation,I stuck it out for 13 yrs,hard to make the final decision but asked him to go and he went supposedly for 2 yrs separation, after 2 yrs we(2 daughters 13 & 9) had moved on and didn't want him back.It was hard a first financially but once I got a job everything went well and never looked back. It is your choice but I would say your marriage is over and it's time to move on it will make you stronger and more confident to achieve your goals.
good luck.

gonzo127

eveie189 wrote: »

I also want to say that the reaosn I posted mainly was because I am confused. I haven't outright decided it is over. I don't want to make a rash or wrong decision as there are 3 kids at stake, so I wanted to hear other peoples experiences. escpecially seeing as at the moment it feels like once the kids are older and gone there will be nothing for me to stay for. It is terrifying to think that we will become like his parents who don't talk for days and now live apart. In a way I want it to work as I would feel like a failure If it didn't but then the arguaments have never changed over the last 10 years. I doubt he will ever stop shouting (which has progressed to swearing as well on occasion) and I have tried evertyhing to get him to open up but nothing seems to work. I understand peoples views on why he is like this but as much as I want to help, he won't try.

Thanks again
Eveie

ok not going to try and rationalise this or work out who or what is to blame for your current situation.

what i will say is it sounds as if the situation just cant go on, as you are not happy, it sounds as if he isnt happy, and i doubt the kids are actually happy either, therefore in my mind you have two options.

leave and start to make lives on your own.

or decide to try and save the marriage - in this instance i think you best (and probably only) course of action is to stop just talking about counciling and actually go.

however if you decide not to go to counciling you NEED to have a open and totally frank discussion about your marriage, and both of you need to be willing to listen to the other person even if it means taking note of some hard to hear home truths.

for example
him listening and taking note of how you always feel when he doesnt want to do anything with you and always shouts at you

and you listening to whats on his mind - (guessing here as i dont know what is on his mind) which could be along the lines of since you control all the finances, and only give him pocket money, it makes him feel like you see him as a child, unable to have a say in how the house is run

however as stated above i think with the fact talking between yourselves has not worked in the past and with his habit of always shouting i really can not stress how much a third party could help to keep the conversation on track and actually allow you to work through things, if it is possible

wannabe_sybil

DUTR wrote: »

And perhaps that is why he is miserable? Let me put myself in his shoes, meets someone he is attracted to, they get married n stuff, then the weight piles on and the cash dries up, yep I would be a misery too, with little outlook on life what is there for him to be happy about?
Ok he has the children BUT so has lots of others plus a content life, yep I would be miserable, he has to apologise yet he is not the only one to blame? Does not sound fair to me. Leave him and everyone can start a new life and seek contentment

I tried to write the reasonable, sensible, calm post that I thought I ought to. EPIC FAIL.

The OP is the main breadwinner, losing weight, looking foxy, doing majority of childcare, making more of her life, starting to sparkle despite the best efforts of her partner.

Perhaps she deserves a bit more than a 'Woman, know your place!' post.

(btw, please do not stop posting what you post, it helps me smile to spot the 'back to the kitchen' bit.)

Also, in serious, this sort of behaviour is modelling the sort of behaviour the DD will expect in her relationships, and is probably already trashing her self esteem. Not good.

newcook

That’s a horrible situation to be in OP – its draining never knowing what sort of mood they are going to be in isn’t it

Have you considered a trial separation? This may give you both the space and time to decide whether you want to be together, to see what you miss about each other and what you don’t miss. it doesn’t have to be a permanent thing but your OH cannot keep being the way that he is and he needs to address this – its not good for yours, his or the kids health and environment.

split_second

have you thought he might have depression? it would explain the little interest in doing things

gonzo127

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I tried to write the reasonable, sensible, calm post that I thought I ought to. EPIC FAIL.

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

The OP is the main breadwinner, losing weight, looking foxy, doing majority of childcare, making more of her life, starting to sparkle despite the best efforts of her partner.

Perhaps she deserves a bit more than a 'Woman, know your place!' post.

(btw, please do not stop posting what you post, it helps me smile to spot the 'back to the kitchen' bit.)

Also, in serious, this sort of behaviour is modelling the sort of behaviour the DD will expect in her relationships, and is probably already trashing her self esteem. Not good.

Although i do not want to get into a blame game with this and I agree the post your answering isnt helpful at all,

i do not think that getting into a blame game is helpful to the op, but you must remember we only have one side of the story/situation.

And although I do not believe the op is to blame for the marriage problems they are experiencing, there are numerous things that could be happening that we do not know about For example

- PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT THE OP SPECIFICALLY AND IS ONLY USED TO ILLUSTRATE THE NEED FOR SOME PERSPECTIVE

you state the person is the breadwinner - how do we know that this point is not pointed out to the husband at every single opportunity, or at least quite often, in a way of saying how useless he is.

you state the person is losing weight and looking foxy - how do we know that this isn’t used against the husband, sort of look at me I’m fab and your still a fat lump.

She also gives him his pocket money – was this worked out as a couple based on what they could afford since they don’t have a lot of money, or was he just told this is what you have to spend because we don’t have much money, oh by the way I am going to do a OU course costing a few hundred too few thousand pounds.

The fact is that the husband does have problems that need looking into and that he needs help with, we have seen some of these in what the op has posted in which she really doesn’t have much good to say about him. What we don’t have is his side of the story to see why he might be like he is,

it could be that he’s just a horrible person to be in a relationship with, who abuses everyone he can to make himself feel bigger and better than them

it could be that’s he’s rebelling (midlife crisis) against his humdrum life when he imagined it would be much more exciting

it could be that he is depressed and needs help from a GP

it really could be any amount of other reasons, but the thing is it boils down to my previous 2 points/options, since at the moment no one appears to be happy in their situation, so

they either split up and start to build a life on their own or they (not him or her but both of them) try and work at things and really get down to the reasons why they are having problems and try and fix them, of course they might find out that they have grown that far apart that they can’t fix it but then at least they would know and could start to move forwards with their lives instead of carrying on like they are unhappy

VestanPance

gonzo127 wrote: »

Although i do not want to get into a blame game with this and I agree the post your answering isnt helpful at all,

i do not think that getting into a blame game is helpful to the op, but you must remember we only have one side of the story/situation.

And although I do not believe the op is to blame for the marriage problems they are experiencing, there are numerous things that could be happening that we do not know about For example

- PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT THE OP SPECIFICALLY AND IS ONLY USED TO ILLUSTRATE THE NEED FOR SOME PERSPECTIVE

you state the person is the breadwinner - how do we know that this point is not pointed out to the husband at every single opportunity, or at least quite often, in a way of saying how useless he is.

you state the person is losing weight and looking foxy - how do we know that this isn’t used against the husband, sort of look at me I’m fab and your still a fat lump.

She also gives him his pocket money – was this worked out as a couple based on what they could afford since they don’t have a lot of money, or was he just told this is what you have to spend because we don’t have much money, oh by the way I am going to do a OU course costing a few hundred too few thousand pounds.

The fact is that the husband does have problems that need looking into and that he needs help with, we have seen some of these in what the op has posted in which she really doesn’t have much good to say about him. What we don’t have is his side of the story to see why he might be like he is,

it could be that he’s just a horrible person to be in a relationship with, who abuses everyone he can to make himself feel bigger and better than them

it could be that’s he’s rebelling (midlife crisis) against his humdrum life when he imagined it would be much more exciting

it could be that he is depressed and needs help from a GP

it really could be any amount of other reasons, but the thing is it boils down to my previous 2 points/options, since at the moment no one appears to be happy in their situation, so

they either split up and start to build a life on their own or they (not him or her but both of them) try and work at things and really get down to the reasons why they are having problems and try and fix them, of course they might find out that they have grown that far apart that they can’t fix it but then at least they would know and could start to move forwards with their lives instead of carrying on like they are unhappy

Pretty much 100% spot on.

DUTR

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I tried to write the reasonable, sensible, calm post that I thought I ought to. EPIC FAIL.

The OP is the main breadwinner, losing weight, looking foxy, doing majority of childcare, making more of her life, starting to sparkle despite the best efforts of her partner.

Perhaps she deserves a bit more than a 'Woman, know your place!' post.

(btw, please do not stop posting what you post, it helps me smile to spot the 'back to the kitchen' bit.)

Also, in serious, this sort of behaviour is modelling the sort of behaviour the DD will expect in her relationships, and is probably already trashing her self esteem. Not good.

There seems to be some misunderstandings in the thread following my postings, from what I understood of the OP , seemed to be a SAHM doing and OU degreee with a view to getting a career once again, and that her Hubby is thre breadwinner. It does seem whether on this board or others, there are many quick to snipe for just posting the reality.
I'm not for one minute saying a woman should know her place (how silly is that?) many threads though are from posters complaining about what her man is not this and not that and I simply put myself in the OPs partners shoes and wonder how I would feel, I do note many many relationships the couple get together have children and then forget what brought them together, children are important, they are inde[pendant people though and there is no point putting 110% into trying to be a parent when some of the effort should be reserved to being someone's partner and that comment is for both sexes. My comment is not about putting weight on, its about any partner letting themself go, wouldn't expect my lady to look like Sian Williams everyday, but looking like a candidate for the JK show is too far the otherway