Is my marriage normal? Advice needed

make_me_wise

OP would it be accurate to describe your husband as a Jekyll and Hyde character? Someone who you never know which personality he will use next? Do you walk on eggshells round this guy to keep the peace and avoid confrontation? Would those in the outside world be amazed if they knew about this other side to his personailty?

dark_lady

DUTR wrote: »

And perhaps that is why he is miserable? Let me put myself in his shoes, meets someone he is attracted to, they get married n stuff, then the weight piles on and the cash dries up, yep I would be a misery too, with little outlook on life what is there for him to be happy about?
Ok he has the children BUT so has lots of others plus a content life, yep I would be miserable, he has to apologise yet he is not the only one to blame? Does not sound fair to me. Leave him and everyone can start a new life and seek contentment

Ooh look another !!!!!! who thinks making the marriage work should ALL be down to the woman.
Well shes LOST the weight now so this sexist post isnt even up to date with the situation. And weight shouldnt even come into it anyway.
If the OPs OH is that worried about money he should at least be trying to give up smoking surely. Trying to conquer his addiction just like the OP conquered her weight no???!!!
Cigs cost a lot of money and after all this IS supposed to be a money saving site no? But this board seems to be rapidly turning into a "lets blame women for everything that goes wrong in marriages" board. HE should be making the effort to give up smoking like she made the effort to lose weight. Why has all the effort got to come from the female in the relationship?
And the sitting on seperate sofas thing and not wanting to hug sounds like the start of him withdrawing intimacy as a form of control. This is mental and emotional abuse and the OP deserves SO much better!

albionrovers

dark_lady wrote: »

Ooh look another !!!!!! who thinks making the marriage work should ALL be down to the woman.
Well shes LOST the weight now so this sexist post isnt even up to date with the situation. And weight shouldnt even come into it anyway.
If the OPs OH is that worried about money he should at least be trying to give up smoking surely. Trying to conquer his addiction just like the OP conquered her weight no???!!!
Cigs cost a lot of money and after all this IS supposed to be a money saving site no? But this board seems to be rapidly turning into a "lets blame women for everything that goes wrong in marriages" board. HE should be making the effort to give up smoking like she made the effort to lose weight. Why has all the effort got to come from the female in the relationship?
And the sitting on seperate sofas thing and not wanting to hug sounds like the start of him withdrawing intimacy as a form of control. This is mental and emotional abuse and the OP deserves SO much better!

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Hate to say it but this post is just as bad as the one above which it tries to ridicule ....

dark_lady

albionrovers wrote: »

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Hate to say it but this post is just as bad as the one above which it tries to ridicule ....

A friend of mine went through something very similar and her counsellor told her it was mental and emotional abuse so its actually a proffesional opinion.
Sorry if i pressed some uncomfortable buttons.

Tropez

dark_lady wrote: »

And the sitting on seperate sofas thing and not wanting to hug sounds like the start of him withdrawing intimacy as a form of control. This is mental and emotional abuse and the OP deserves SO much better!

Some people withdraw themselves when they are angry or frustrated but don't know how to verbalise their complaints, or simply fear an argument, and therefore opt simply to withdraw and in such circumstances it isn't about being controlling, it is simply about being at a point whereby they feel so trapped that putting themselves in a psychological safe-box is better than trying to communicate their feelings. It isn't necessarily healthy but I would be wary of accusing individuals of mental and emotional abuse based on so little information when other problems could be equally responsible, if not more likely.

Somebody who shouts constantly is usually the type of person who has difficulty asserting themselves, feel that they are not being listened to and validated and feel unable to control themselves. While the reason for shouting may be to try and gain control of a situation, it can also be simple self-enforcement of the idea that they are not in control. Not only does it serves as an alert to those around that they are unhappy, it actually serves to tell the individual that they are unhappy.

It is wholly possible for a person to be so frustrated with themselves and in such a deep state of dislike for themselves that any minor irritation becomes overwhelming, causing excessive amounts of shouting as a form of releasing rage - these same people often bottle up the real problems and it is worth bearing in mind that this can be physically detrimental as well as mentally.

In the OPs case, whether she chooses to leave him or not is solely up to her although in the circumstances she describes and particularly given, as others have picked up on, she has nothing positive to say about the man she has been married to for ten years then it would be perfectly understandable if she did leave. If we are to question whether her marriage is "normal" then it should be said that if she is to stay however then she really needs to get her husband down the GPs office because a referral for some sort of psychotherapy, quite possibly incorporating anger management, wouldn't go amiss here because consistent and constant shouting is not normal.

Person_one

albionrovers wrote: »

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Hate to say it but this post is just as bad as the one above which it tries to ridicule ....

She's got a point, you see it all the time on here:

"My husband is horrible to me, he shouts, he calls me names, he's cruel to the children and he won't even kiss me."

"You must be doing something wrong, does the poor mite feel neglected? Are you giving him enough sex?"

Tropez

Person_one wrote: »

She's got a point, you see it all the time on here:

"My husband is horrible to me, he shouts, he calls me names, he's cruel to the children and he won't even kiss me."

"You must be doing something wrong, does the poor mite feel neglected? Are you giving him enough sex?"

To be fair though, I have seen complaints about how men are treated on here from time to time. I think there's always going to be people on forums who automatically take one side over another, regardless of the actual situation that is being described. This, of course, doesn't mean that in the situation described in this thread that the OP is in the wrong, as it were. I think she has good cause to be concerned over the long-term future for her marriage given that her posts so far have been wholly critical of her husband's behaviour.

January20

To come back to the OP's initial problem, I think the suggestion of listing the pros and cons of your marriage is a very good piece of advice, as well as assessing whether you do love him or not, but for me an even more important factor is the children. How are the children coping in this situation? How do they deal with being constantly shouted at? Are they becoming "shouty" themselves? Is their father, in your opinion, a good role model and would you like them to grow up like him?

DUTR

dark_lady wrote: »

Ooh look another !!!!!! who thinks making the marriage work should ALL be down to the woman.
Well shes LOST the weight now so this sexist post isnt even up to date with the situation. And weight shouldnt even come into it anyway.
If the OPs OH is that worried about money he should at least be trying to give up smoking surely. Trying to conquer his addiction just like the OP conquered her weight no???!!!
Cigs cost a lot of money and after all this IS supposed to be a money saving site no? But this board seems to be rapidly turning into a "lets blame women for everything that goes wrong in marriages" board. HE should be making the effort to give up smoking like she made the effort to lose weight. Why has all the effort got to come from the female in the relationship?
And the sitting on seperate sofas thing and not wanting to hug sounds like the start of him withdrawing intimacy as a form of control. This is mental and emotional abuse and the OP deserves SO much better!

No, you didn't read the post or accepted it in the wrong context or just randomly taking a snipe again
Perhaps he should give up smoking purely for health reasons, but if he is the only earner in the household (in the 21st century of equal rights) now you want to take away another of his pleasures, I'm not blaming the OP (solely) but it is you (and others ) saying he should do this and do that, if the roles were reversed the OP would similarly be miserable too, I will put my hand up and say I would not be content if I was the OPs partner in a similar situation. Perhaps his libido has reduced somewhat.

make_me_wise

OP I am hoping you are okay. Having read more of your posts now I do feel concerned for the situation you are in. Personally I feel you have bought to our attention some worrying elements of your relationship, both effecting yourself and more worryingly your children. In the answers to this thread I think people have given a broad and objective view, tried to see things from different perspectives and experiences. I hope this has helped as obviously only you will really know which applies as you understand your husband best. If you need any more help or advice please come back on and let us all try to continue to support you