Is my marriage normal? Advice needed

eveie189

Me and my DH have been together for 10 years and married for 6. We have 3 kids together and have been through a lot together through the years but now I am starting to think I should end it. DH has never been violent but he is a bit of a shouter and when he is in a mood with me he will literally act as if I am not there. Not talking to me at all although it usually doesn’t last much longer than a day or 2. We have had a few bad patches so far in the marriage when I have tried to end it but we usually sort it out although when I say this what I actually mean is DH pretends we never had an argument (and never apologises even if it is partly his fault) and I just try to forget about it.

I have always tried to make it work before and try to focus on the few good times we have had. In the beginning we had a real spark, but that has now faded to a point where I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t know if any of this has got something to do with me losing a lot of weight but now that I feel fitter, healthier and am living my life more (whereas before I would never leave the house). I have been wondering for a long time if I am just settling and now I feel more confident, maybe enough so to go it alone with the kids. I have tried to spend time with DH and even today asked him if he wanted to come out on a walk with me but he said he didn’t, he is just so negative about everything.

I have tried talking to him about things but he has literally said he isn’t interested in anything I talk about, because I always talk about money, work or the kids. I thought this was what married couples with kids do. I have started an OU degree and yes I may have quit things I have started in the past but on finishing my first module, and excitedly telling DH he said he wasn’t interested because I never finish anything anyway. I get the feeling that our whole relationship has been pushed on by me and now I feel guilty for staying together and having the kids even though things have been difficult.

I feel I should also point out that whilst he is not always that nice to me and shouts at the kids a lot, to others DH is one of the kindest hearted people you could meet and would do anything for anyone, it just seems unfortunate that this does not apply to me or the kids.

If you have got this far then thanks for reading, I was just hoping someone would have some advice on what I should do as more than anything I am just confused and we have been like this for so long that I don’t know if this is how marriage is supposed to be.

Thanks
Eveie

go_cat

i couldn't help notice you have lost a lot of weight has this increased your confidence and contributed to your reevaluation?

Has DH always been like this shouting etc all marriages have ups and downs.... the main question is do you still love him?

victory

Are you in love with him? Does your heart miss a beat when he has been out and comes back? Can you see yourself being in this situation with him until death do us part?

Will he go for counselling? Can you write a positive and negative list and see what you come up with?

Why do you let him shout at you? Walk away, don't rise to it, don't apologize for something you have not done.

eveie189

In answer to yopour question gocat, DH has always been a shouter where I like to try and sort things out in a more calm manner, it has always been a bone of contention between us. I don't know how I feel about him any more. I think I love him but in a more protective way. I hate to see him hurt or upset, which is generally what I see when we have an arguament that is so bad I tell him it's over, which is the main reason we get back together.

Victory - we talked about counselling before but nothing happened with it and things just carried on as before. I can't imagine it would work though as he litrally will not talk about things which he considers to be 'your problems'. Sometimes it seems he is just here for the meals and bed.

Pro
Con
I am not on my own/ safety
He can be good company, sometimes
The kids
It’s convenient
When I work we have more money
I care about him, and it would probably be easier in the short term if we stay together

Money
He wants things I don’t want
I don’t know if I love him enough
The shouting
He puts conditions on everything
He is a miserable sod
The smoking
I am tired of worrying about how he feels
I am being selfish but maybe I should
There may be something else out there for me
I need to learn how to stand on my own 2 feet

victory

Take time out, do the lists, don't keep threatening to do it, do not say it unless you absolutely mean it, maybe he shouts thinking he has nothing to loose as you keep telling him you are off

go_cat

How old are the children and do you have any time for just the two of you ( couple time ) meals, cinema watching tv together going for a walk etc ?

eveie189

As far as the shouting goes, I could deal with it if he just shouted when we have an arguament but he doesn't talk to me then. He shouts ALL the time. Today for example he shouted at leat 10 times at the kids and they have been at school most of the day! I know kids can be a pain but I have always asked him to stop shouting and he just doesn't even try. As for the arguaments and me asking him to leave. We seem to go through a cycle where things get steadily worse until it gets so bad that I try to talk to him, he won't talk to me about how unhappy I am and I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave. It doesn't happen every month, more like we seem to reach breaking point every 6 months or so.

As far as couple time goes, we can't afford to go anywhere and other than working part time, all we seem to do is watch tv but even then DH won't sit with me, we have to sit on seperate settee's as he GETS TOO HOT!

victory

eveie189 wrote: »

In answer to yopour question gocat, DH has always been a shouter where I like to try and sort things out in a more calm manner, it has always been a bone of contention between us. I don't know how I feel about him any more. I think I love him but in a more protective way. I hate to see him hurt or upset, which is generally what I see when we have an arguament that is so bad I tell him it's over, which is the main reason we get back together.

Victory - we talked about counselling before but nothing happened with it and things just carried on as before. I can't imagine it would work though as he litrally will not talk about things which he considers to be 'your problems'. Sometimes it seems he is just here for the meals and bed.

Pro
Con
I am not on my own/ safety
He can be good company, sometimes
The kids
It’s convenient
When I work we have more money
I care about him, and it would probably be easier in the short term if we stay together

Money
He wants things I don’t want
I don’t know if I love him enough
The shouting
He puts conditions on everything
He is a miserable sod
The smoking
I am tired of worrying about how he feels
I am being selfish but maybe I should
There may be something else out there for me
I need to learn how to stand on my own 2 feet

I could be harsh and say by the looks of above he is a controlling person, a bully, pushing his weight around and that has got you downm you do not seem to have any independence or the strength to go and find some, what does he want? Materialistic? Emotional? More going out? More one to one? What conditions? Are you allowed to go out alone?

Why is he miserable? Work stress? Finances?

There may be someone else but hang on sort all this out first:D

[Deleted User]

Hi,

well done on loosing the weight, ( though no idea what weight you are, but good)

does husband maybe think that now you are an attraction to predators, and feeling a bit insecure?

victory

eveie189 wrote: »

As far as the shouting goes, I could deal with it if he just shouted when we have an arguament but he doesn't talk to me then. He shouts ALL the time. Today for example he shouted at leat 10 times at the kids and they have been at school most of the day! I know kids can be a pain but I have always asked him to stop shouting and he just doesn't even try. As for the arguaments and me asking him to leave. We seem to go through a cycle where things get steadily worse until it gets so bad that I try to talk to him, he won't talk to me about how unhappy I am and I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave. It doesn't happen every month, more like we seem to reach breaking point every 6 months or so.

Why shouting? Does he feel he is not heard? Does he feel really bad that you keep saying you will leave and has got angry? Does he have anger problems? Does he have any depression, money worries, is it all too much for him?

ElaineC_2

My OH also shouted and got angry. I retreated into my shell and only reacted when I needed to protect our children from his unreasonableness and anger. I put up with this for 30 years because I loved him. Eventually the scales did not balance anymore, and the bad points far outweighed the good points.
My advice - do not let him ignore you. Tell him shouting and moodiness is not acceptable. If he loves you he will try to change his habits - that's what they are, bad habits which he has gotten into.
He is acting like a child and you will be walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. That is not fair on you or your children - I know because my children are adults now and are still scarred by their father's actions.
If you can see my experience as your future do something about it now.
Every marriage is unique, and what is acceptable to some will be unacceptable to others. You have to decide what is acceptable, but do you not see that you are worth more than this?
If he does not listen to you then where is your future together? Why would you want to stay?
When the bad times outweigh the good ones you will perhaps see that it is time to leave him and make a life for you and your children. One where there is no anger, no shouting and you are comfortable both in your own skin and in your own home.
This is only my experience, I am not saying it is right for you, I am sure you will find your own way, but just remember you do not deserve to be treated like dirt, you are worth so much more.