Partner dismissed - am in despair

Savvy_Sue

warez22 wrote: »

Funny thing is I am working full time until the end of the month. I asked to go back down to 3 days a week as I had a minor heart attack at work and so asked to reduce my hours back down to reduce stress - yeah right. So I am not sure what reaction I will get if I go in and say I have changed my mind.

:eek: OK, in that case you need to seriously consider whether trying to increase your hours is at all sensible, and it may well not be. For one thing, it takes some of the responsibility off him and puts it back onto you, and that doesn't seem entirely fair to me. "Well, it's OK short term, warez has increased her hours, we can cope for a bit."

How old are the children? If not yet at school, what childcare do you use?

Check out 'entitled to' to see what you might get on just your income - tax credits etc.

If you're renting through a social landlord (council or Housing Association) talk to your Housing Officer about Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit.

And get him signed up with every single temping agency within a 100 mile radius of where you live! Won't be easy, but an agency might be able to get him work - it's not going to be easy!

You say he's got no skills - nothing he could go self-employed with?

Just seen you said you'd been overpaying the mortgage, so ignore what I said about HB, but you MAY still be entitled to CTB (you'd get a discount if he doesn't sort himself out and you throw him out!) - is it a flexible mortgage that you can now underpay on for a short period? Not ideal, but could be better than the alternative!

missiemog

Spirit wrote: »

This is a fair point. It may the tricky bit is his aggression when challenged. As an employer managing an addict in the workplace is very difficult.

agree, the pushing incident won't go in his favour.

however, OP i'd still advise your other half to speak to a union rep and HR and see if it's possible to admit to 'issues' and volunteer to go to counselling (for substance and anger) and still keep his job, under any terms they set down. if you don't ask, you don't get.

the worst thing is he'll lose his job - which you've already anticipated.

Milkshock

Hammyman wrote: »

Giving them false hope and bad advice DOES NOT HELP.

getting out via a resignation is not a false hope.

missiemog

found this - there may be a more up to date one...

http://www.cwukentinvicta.org/resources/Group$2520Alcohol$2520and$2520Drugs$2520Policy$2520Guidence.pdf

ohreally

Having taken a quick read through the policy document, I would maintain some expectation of a positive outcome since he doesn't have a safety critical job and neither does he drive.

The policy may not be perfect but it does appear to contain employee supportive elements.

Out of interest, did the suspending manager consult with a trade union appointed health & safety rep prior to the suspension?

donquine

warez22 wrote: »

Thanks guys.

He is going to ring the union tomorrow - it's worth a go.

With regard to it being the final straw - I think it will be if i 6 weeks time he has no job.

Funny thing is I am working full time until the end of the month. I asked to go back down to 3 days a week as I had a minor heart attack at work and so asked to reduce my hours back down to reduce stress - yeah right. So I am not sure what reaction I will get if I go in and say I have changed my mind.

I do think he does mean it with regard to the drugs - I obviously knew that he did it and it was a source of many an argument but he was in its grasp I suppose and couldnt see it. But he does seem to now - now that he has lost everything.

I am so upset but what good will that do? What's the point in making him feel any worse about himself than he does already.

I have put in a cosmic order anyway that everything will work out - cant hurt can it - but in the meantime I am going to have to seriously look at our finances and cut right back and squirrel away as much as I can just in case he doesnt find a job within the required period.

After that - god knows..................

He may well feel sorry, he knows he has in all probability lost his job because of the drugs, but your OH needs to know that he'll lose a damn sight more than that if he doesn't treat this mess like the wakeup call it is. I really think he needs to know that you standing by him is conditional on him taking steps to sort himself out. Note, 'steps.' Addiction can't be cured overnight, you're asking for him to show some willingness.

You knew about his drug usage before and whilst you didn't encourage it, you tolerated it. He needs to know you're not going to slip back into old habits of getting cross but ultimately not doing anything. You're obviously upset, but what does that mean? That things will smooth over in a few weeks and you'll look the other way when he takes drugs? He needs to know that won't happen, so he has a reason to change.

I'm not suggesting saying these things to him to make him 'feel worse than he does already', I'm suggesting giving him a reason to sort himself out. You and the children have been a reason all along, but he's not really seen that. Show him.

From what custardy wrote, it is vaguely possible that RM might try to help your OH rather than just fire him and your OH should absolutely hold his hands up and ask RM if they will help him deal with his issues, but please don't put all your hopes on it. It would be the best solution if they kept him on and got him some professional help, but you need to start planning for what will happen if you lose that source of income shortly. By the sounds of it, you've already started that, so well done.

As desperate as things might seem though, do consider properly whether you're up to working full time yourself. You don't sound as if you made the decision to reduce your hours lightly - more that you thought you couldn't cope with being full time whilst still recovering. Absolutely no shame in that! Whatever happens next, please don't put your health at risk.

I really do wish you and your family all the best.

warez22

Thank you for all the replies,

My children are 6 and 9. I have just redone their childcare so they are no longer at a childminder but going to after school clubs/sports clubs.

I have been on entitled to and we would get over £100 which would help greatly. Then I could take the mortgage payments down to what they should be and leave very frugally.

But it really p***** me off when we were doing so well financially - really paying off the debts and then he does that.

I totally understand about people saying I turned a blind eye and I did - I sort of kept hoping that he would realise himself that he should be a a family man now and give up the drugs for the sake of his family. That didn't happen but he does seem hellbent now. He hasnt got anymore weed and is just smoking rollies which I know doesnt sound like much but he has never gone that long before.

He also came up to me when I was in bed and thanked me for being so understanding and that he wouldnt let me or the kids down again (at which point I wanted to punch him but just said ok).

I will see what today brings.

Thank you for all your support - it really does help.

Hope you all have a good day.

x

dandelionclock30

Good luck for today, whatever happens its not the end of the world and you'll find a way through.

heretolearn_2

Good luck with it all OP, I hope this is the start of a brighter future for you all.

Your OH must have a real problem with the weed to have been smoking it in such a stupid place/time, so it's best if he does stop altogether.Lots of 'smokers' can do it recreationally and it has no real effect on the rest of their lives, but there are the odd few who just can't keep it under control for whatever reason and can end up as real casualties (and their families). Your OH is one of these. Stick to your guns about his giving up. I'd be saying 'it's stop or we are over'. And you'll know if he does it again because of the smell, if you let him get away with it once more then he'll start right back on it again. I don't normally agree with issuing ultimatums but I think this is the time for one.

warez22

He knows if he messes this up he is gone. He did say that he finally realises that what both my dad and myself have been saying is correct and that it does affect his moods/rationale etc.

He has got an interview tomorrow so I am going to update his CV tonight - he used to work at a factory where my dad was his boss and he has agreed to give him a reference which is good.

So - fingers crossed everyone that he will get the job, get off the weed and we can all move on.

x