What to do when a partner/spouse dies.

John_Pierpoint

For those estates liable for InHeritance Tax (traditionally a tiny minority BUT thanks to houser price inflation and government deficits now a sizeable minority) HMRC publish statistics - I've not got time to find them but it is something like 50% sorted within a year 95% sorted within 2 years.
If tax is payable, interest is charged after 6 months on outstanding IHT (Beware the normal rules apply for the deceased's Income Tax; in fact Self Assessment grinds on as though the deceased is still alive - joined up government?)
If the executor has not sorted things within a year, those beneficiaries left a specific bequest (as against a share of the residuary) are entitled to interest if kept waiting more than a year. (One rule for the chancellor of the exchequer and another rule for ordinary citizens - funny that).
However the executor holds most of the cards and needs to be fairly hard nosed and NOT payout if there is still a risk of unquantified liabilities coming to light.
Part payments are perfectly reasonable depending on circumstances.

vastsarah_2

Hello,my baby grandson died yesterday morning,we think it was a virus or a infection.He was only 8 weeks old,we were all there at the hospital while they tried to help him but after an hour there was nothing more they could do.DIL woke up and found him limp and not breathing,did cpr and screamed.
As a family there is alot of us which in a way is good but we have varing emotions from a 18 month old g/s left ,grieving parents only 20 yr old themselfs.To uncles and aunts aged 22 down to 13.Both granddads are being busy with telling people and talking to funeral director.The babys dad is 21 today and his aunt is 18 next week and thn there xmas how are going to get though this what about the funeral,what about the cost.everyone crying and saying what if? The younger uncles are not saying anything just up in room.
If anyone has any pratical advice please post
Sarah

laurenjs88

No idea on anything practical Sarah but I am terribly sorry for your familes loss

John_Pierpoint

It is so sad when a child of a loving family loses its future.
Could this be of any help:
http://fsid.org.uk/Page.aspx?pid=308

sarymclary

vastsarah - I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child. My heart goes out to you all, and I hope you can find the strength to endure the tough times ahead.

My family suffered the loss of my 8 week old niece some years ago, and it was very difficult to cope with, especially as I had a baby son of my own at the time.

I would say that everyone reacts to bereavement differently, and there is no set way to behave, or deal with it. It sounds like you have a large, close-knit family, which is in your favour to offer mutual support as and when needed. The parents of this child are very young themselves, and becoming parents is a big enough thing to deal with, but to have to endure the death of a child at such an age is going to be a struggle, as they don't have the life experience to draw upon to know what to do for the best.

I am sure they will be offered the opportunity to have hand/foot prints, lock of hair, and there should be plenty of photographs already for their memories of your grandson. If they haven't been offered any of the above, then it might be worthwhile suggesting they ask for them.

My sister and husband were struggling financially at the time they lost their daughter, so I offered them my holiday savings to help to pay for the funeral, just to help to alleviate that further worry, so maybe the family could pull together to help them out on that score. To be honest, if you don't hire the limo's, it doesn't really work out to be a very costly affair.

As for the rest of the family's grief, you have a number of young people who may well be dealing with bereavement for a first time, and they may not know how they feel about things. It's not unusual to feel numb, overwhelmed with grief, or just totally unsure of what to feel. If they are distancing themselves from the rest of the mourning family, it may be that they aren't able to handle the outpouring of grief, and unsure what to do around those grieving. It's the last taboo in society really, and as someone who has dealt with grief close to hand in recent times, the feeling that others are avoiding speaking to you about things is the worst. I have encouraged my family to openly talk about our lost loved ones, they are remembered fondly.

What was most important for my sister, having lost her daughter, was to be told she could always have another. It's not about that, it's about having that child's important significance in her life recognised, always. She is the mother of 3 children, not just the 2 who are alive today. All the anniversaries, and milestones in her life have been recognised; birthdays, Christmas, first day at school, going to secondary school... they remain in the background to our lives. My niece would have been 18 this year, and we can only wonder at what she could have achieved and become, but regardless, she is still a part of our family. The pain of her loss hasn't become less for her parents, but the sharp edges of their grief have become more smoothed over with time, and they have learnt to live without her. Life does go on, even when it feels like the world, as you know it, has come to a grinding halt.

Having been only a few weeks old, unfortunately your DIL is going to feel a huge physical bereavement from her baby, as everything she has been programmed for during her pregnancy will all still be there, so she will be aching for her baby. My sister tried to conceive almost immediately after my niece died, but suffered a miscarriage, however she was pregnant again before what would have been my niece's 1st birthday.

This Christmas is going to be a tough one for you all, and future ones will always mark the loss of a much loved child from your family. I wish you all well, and hope that you find the support amongst one another to get through the tough times ahead.

Thinking of you all, and remembering you in my prayers.
S x

Stormybay

Oh no VastSarah, I am so sorry for your loss, words fail me and I guess there is nothing I can say at this time to make things better for you and your family. i just wanted to let you know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Sarymclary, has given excellent advice (I don't know where you get your strenghth and advice from sometimes Sary).
All I can say is that you have to take one moment at a time, one breath at a time and grieve in your own personal way, there is no right or wrong way, do whatever you have to do that helps you all.
Your family will be of great support, sometimes you don't need to talk, just a presence of those around you will help!
Please take care - Why is Christmas time always so bittersweet.
Much love and thinking of all of us who are missing someone at this time

Stormy xx
Stormy

vastsarah_2

Thankyou for the post that you both did althought i have not replyed before i have read and reread them again.
We had the service today which did go very well althought hard not just to collaps on the floor and yell we all held it together.
The wake was ok too,somber with talk of conrad and alot of what ifs.
Im glad xmas and all the birthdays are over with.
We did a collection which is going to the A&E department ,rather than childrens ward as we felt that often get alot and it was in the relations room where we were that needed help more.We would just like to help the staff who was so good to us all
Although we have not be told cause of death still waiting,there is talk it might been an virus!
Sarah

sarymclary

Vastsarah thanks for letting us know how things went. I was thinking of your family over Christmas/NY and knew it would be so difficult for you all. I hope that your family are able to find some answers to the question 'why?', and also for your grandson's parents who will be very worried for any future babies that they may have. What a lovely idea to have a collection for the A&E dept., and it is nice to be able to acknowledge the good care you were provided with. Wishing you all a peaceful new year. Take care. S x

jennihen

Hello - I'm trying to read this thread and find guidance on writing letters - the formal ones- but not a single word is registering this evening. I just wondered if one of you kind people might have a simple template or an outline of the details I need to include.
I've only got as far as the address . . . just staring at a blinking cursor.

O r if its already covered in this thread could someone direct me to the post number - its just for utilities/ banks/official stuff.
I'll be able to think clearly after some sleep but right now my brain is telling me to there's so much to do . . .

John_Pierpoint

Hi jennihen,
From your posting, I feel that events are still too recent and you are too close to the deceased, to write in the clipped legal way to deal with the many faceless organisations? Do you have a more disinterested relative to help you, as a burden shared is a burden halved.

Some organisations, but not many, have good procedures and trained staff to assist the personal representatives of the 2,000 people who die every day in the UK. You will need to make a plan and have a system to check back that each letter you write has been handled correctly (and hopefully the original official copy of the death certificate you provided has been returned to you).

Let us start at the beginning:
As a personal representative of the deceased are you an executor (there is a will to be proved and probate to be granted) or you (and another relative?) will be applying for letters of administration?

At what stage of the process are you ? How long is it since the death? What joint property is there (bank account etc.)?

Of the guides on the market, or available in the local Library, I have found that the "Which?" ones are good and explain things with the sort of examples you need.
There is "What to do when someone dies" and "Which? Essential Guide to Wills and Probate"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/184490072X/ref=rdr_ext_sb_ti_sims_2

Like all areas of law and money, the rules tend to shift over time, but if you take something like these guides as a foundation, you can always come back to this forum for further advice.

Best wishes,

John