What to do when a partner/spouse dies.

CLAPTON

why does it matter if he has a will... as there seem to be obvious family i.e. wife and children then surely the rules of intestacy rules are OK?

surely the children dont mind helping out at a time like this?

margaretclare

CLAPTON wrote: »

Surely the children don't mind helping out at a time like this?

For heaven's sake!

My only object in writing this sad story was that, after I'd spoken to my friend yesterday morning, it struck me very sharply how much easier it would be if people left their affairs in order. I gave a bit of background to the story, but really, I did want to stress 'leave your affairs in order'. IMHO it is only fair to those who will have it all to deal with.

'The children' - well, there's only one son, my friend's husband. Mostly dealing with the in-laws has fallen on my friend, and I know what she has said about them over the last few years. She is not in good health herself, they're in their late 50s, very recently she's been lying flat when her back went, so clearing out 3 old sheds and the rest of it is not really a prospect she relishes.

MIL has been very very demanding, before she went into the residential home she was for ever phoning my friend and demanding to be taken here and there, often at short notice. My friend D says she has learned assertiveness from me - it's not always convenient, and some old people can be extremely selfish and think that there's no one in the world but them.

My own opinion is that it's the height of selfishness to leave such a mess behind for others to sort out, which is what I said - please leave your affairs in order. We have all got to go sometime and none of us knows when.

That seems a bit unfair, he only died this morning. As a nurse i've witnessed close family members grieve in very different ways, it can often take days or longer to set in. Besides, what does the state of their marriage have to do with the financial arrangements, especially to us outsiders.

I am well aware that grieving affects people in different ways. However, I know what my friend has said about them, how they dealt with each other, the impressions she has gained over nearly 40 years of being married to their son. According to D they were not a devoted affectionate couple, anything but! MIL seems to have been more practical and more organised than FIL and it's a good thing that she organised and paid for both their funerals in advance. That really is a good thing, because organising a funeral is a horrible job. All that needs to happen now is for the named funeral directors to take over.

I haven't actually booked our plot and paid for our funerals in advance, but I've got full written instructions, a list of people to contact, leaflets abut the 'green burial' site, addresses, phone numbers, important documents, all together in a fireproof box, like a deed-box. So no one need be in any doubt at all about what to do.

Margaret

Pipcola

A very appropriate post margaretclare - thank you. Although my wishes in respect of my death are known to my family it is a very good idea to have them in written form.

As others have noted please ask your friends to be very careful when disposing of anything!

I do not know of anyone who is completely trustworthy when dealing with this sort of situation - others may care to differ. Many who would be considered 100% often have 'feet of clay' when there does not appear to be a victim - with FIL now deceased.

I have worked in charitable situations involved in house and effect clearing etc. - the vultures soon gather.

I suppose this sounds very pessamistic but unfortunately that is now how much of the world is.

margaretclare

Thank you. Pipcola.

Just an update - I've just spoken to my friend, although she's desperately busy as you can imagine, I wanted to assure her, yet again,of our love and support.

It seems that they've found a will (one that MIL knew nothing about) made in 1980. It's very straightforward, leaves everything to MIL with her as executor and son as second executor. Nothing at all left to their only son.

So the house and contents will be sold and all proceeds will go to paying for MIL's care in the home she's been in for the last 3 years. I mentioned the words 'immediate needs annuity' to her as a suggestion. They know an IFA whom they trust, he set up their mortgage when they bought their current bungalow (I think this was just temporarily while they sold their flat) and she took this idea on board - will mention 'immediate needs annuity' to Jim the IFA.

They also know someone who is a stamp dealer - he was formerly a vicar, a friend of FIL and is going to conduct FIL's funeral service.

FIL also has 3 grandchildren and a great-grandchild, but his will leaves everything to MIL. I guess that in the 1980s that was the normal way to leave things, to your widow? Long before anyone else thought of IHT and all the rest of it.

Margaret

missile

What a sad story margaret. It seems a shame that all the proceeds will go to fund the care home.

Might be worth seeking advice. It may be that MIL can gift some of the inheritance? Suggest MIL writes a will just in case anything is left after she goes.

Garnet_Gem

MC - your post was a helpful one so I don't know why some peple had to jump in and criticise. Old people can be very stubborn and refuse help from their families. Maybe we'll be the same when we're old but I hope not. I've told DD where my will is kept and where I keep a locked metal box. This box has birth, marriage certs, a book detailing Isa & bank accounts and a phone number for the Humanist Society. She doesn't have a key as I won't mind if she breaks into it after I'm gone!

margaretclare

missile wrote: »

What a sad story margaret. It seems a shame that all the proceeds will go to fund the care home.!!/QUOTE]

Well it depends on how long MIL lives, of course. She's 89 now.

Might be worth seeking advice. It may be that MIL can gift some of the inheritance? Suggest MIL writes a will just in case anything is left after she goes.

I'll suggest all this to my friend. Thank you.

Margaret

margaretclare

Garnet_Gem wrote: »

MC - your post was a helpful one so I don't know why some peple had to jump in and criticise. Old people can be very stubborn and refuse help from their families. Maybe we'll be the same when we're old but I hope not. I've told DD where my will is kept and where I keep a locked metal box. This box has birth, marriage certs, a book detailing Isa & bank accounts and a phone number for the Humanist Society. She doesn't have a key as I won't mind if she breaks into it after I'm gone!

Thank you for your supportive comment. Yes, it would be terrible if you wanted a Humanist funeral and got the local vicar roped in! Arranging a funeral is not a nice job at the best of times and it's much better if people's wishes are known.

We are members of the local Methodist Church, where we were married 5 years ago. Everyone knows we want a 'green burial' and the people who run the site can also act as funeral directors and there is a hall where a service and/or a get-together/wake can be held.

Best wishes

Margaret

moonrakerz

A very useful post. Not only for this rather complicated tale but for everyone.

My mother died last year, she had made a will, I was executor, I knew where all her accounts were - all relatively easy.

But ! the sort of things that are overlooked; all the family photos Mum had, very few are labeled, so I have loads of all these photos only knowing who a few of them are. My wife and I are busy trying to identify who is who, but we are also labeling our photos so our kids aren't left with the same problem.

home_alone

Although I have done my bit, bank accounts and all that its my wife that has the last word I am afaid I have very little say, not thats wrong I have no say in what will happen if I die before my wife, she is Irish and has laid in concrete plans of what is going to happen and in 43 years of marriage I have learnt that its much more peaceful not to argue, I know my place.

gary