What to do when a partner/spouse dies.

auditbabe

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss when my mother died two years ago we included underwear and shoes as she would have hated not being properly dressed. We gave her the same standards she had when alive hope this helps.

kizzykizzywizzy

Yes you will need to take everything they would have normally have worn, I sadly lost my Mum in March this year & we forgot to take shoes which I took later & my mum was never without her earings, so I took those too. Also you can take perfume or makeup, i'd imagine this is ok with most funeral directors. The only thing I would say with jewelery is that if the loved one is cremated, you lose it as it melts & is disposed of, so think about whether you would like to keep the item or not. Also I was able to ask for a lock of my Mums hair, might be comforting to someone. The only problem when someone dies suddenly you get rushed into things, please take a moment to think about things & don't be rushed into anything. This is still quite raw with me, but if I can do anything to help anyone who is feeling the same way, I will. They say time is a great healer, but unfortunately grief creeps up at the strangest times, a smell, a word, food, a film, a place they can all set you back to square one, we all have those moments, the thing is to try not to drown in it & be grateful for what you do have as in my children, who my Mum loved, & take it day by day - sorry to waffle, love to everyone who has lost someone dear to them

AnW'sMum

whitewing wrote: »

While I have a great sense of humour normally, this isn't a joke so I would appreciate it if I got only sensitive replies on this post. Sorry this isn't money saving but I don't know who else to ask. It seems like a daft question but it important to the people who need to know.

A very close and very much loved member of my close family died very recently. We have to take the clothes in which he is to be buried to the funeral director's tomorrow. Our question is whether we need to include underwear and shoes? We could phone up and ask but the next-of-kin won't bother the funeral director out of hours, but i know it will bother them all night otherwise and make a sad situation worse.

The passing itself was peaceful and couldn't have been more loving so we are okay but sensible answers would be very helpful.

Been thro the links on the thread and got some lovely poems and other useful info, so thanks a lot anyway.

Hi

My DH died in tragic circumstances last year and I didn't really think about any clothes in particular for him to wear. As it was unexpected the sense of shock and disbelief seemed to suspend a lot of my thought processes. He ended up being buried in a shroud and I have thought since that perhaps I should have chosen something for him. Obviously for me it is too late to change things now but I try not to worry about it as his spirit will be dressed in whatever he choses now plus you can bet he would have chosen something different to what I would have chosen.

I am going to leave a list of how I want to be 'dealt' with when the time comes, and have decided to have the same as DH. Hope that helps anyone.

myrnahaz

It must be awful to find yourself unable to access your own money after your OH dies - your comments have made me realise that I must arrange some kind of alternative to our one and only bank account (joint) so that we don't have similar problems.
I've just realised that there is also another money problem that must arise really often for people like my very dear friend who has cancer and has a very short time left. Her and her DH were always very poor (and still have large debts) but her husband had to give up his job about a year ago so he could care for her. It took nearly 8 months to work through the benefits claim forms but they eventually started to receive benefits such as housing allowance, carers allowance etc etc. My worry for them is that after her days, her DH will suddenly find that most of the benefits they've been receiving will stop, and he's still 3 years from retirement age. They were never in a position to afford life assurance, and he's unlikely to be able to get another job despite the fact that he's really fit and healthy, so in a very short time he's going to have to cope with being virtually penniless and bereaved at the same time.
Karren has so little time left, and her DH is so engrossed in caring for her that he's not going to care less about any potential future cash crisis. I don't feel that it's appropriate to warn him (I barely know him), and I certainly can't imagine what suggestions I could offer.

Stormybay

I know it's really early and only September, but today, all I can think about is what on earth am I going to do without John this Christmas? As you guys probably know, John died 22nd December last year, and to be honest, I can't really remember much of it, but I'm already dreading this year.
Anyone out there have any advice on how they've coped with Christmas without their loved ones?
I can't afford to eat out with 5 Children, son in law and grandson, and certainly can't afford to escape the country (although this is what I would like to do!). Does anyone have any MSE alternatives/ I can't bare the thought of worrying about this for the next 3 months!
Thanks so much
Stormy
xxxxxx

montycat_2

Hugs Stormy,

It will be my 3rd Christmas without Dave this year .We are going to Disneyworld but ,I don't expect you to do that

I would definately plan something but ,don't overstretch yourself .You will be dreading the first sadiversarry
We started a new tradition which involves writing a memory of Dave on a bow and ,tying it to the tree.

Are family close to you ?How about a Pot Luck Christmas Lunch where ,everyone brings a dish for Dinner .
We went out for Xmas lunch the first year and ,it was surreal .This year as I said ,I am taking my 3 girls to Disneyworld.
Make it clear as to whether you wish to be with others or,on your own.

It will be tough ,whatever you do but ,it does get easier after the first one
Ask the family what they want to do as well .

Hugs again .

Bogof_Babe

Myrnahaz, just to give you some crumb of encouragement for your friend, they don't cut off Carers Allowance immediately upon the death of the person being cared for. When my husband cared for his father last year through his final illness, we notified them immediately when he passed away, but they said they would continue to pay him CA for eight weeks, which they did.

I think the overlap period is to allow time for the carer to adjust back to normal life, and seek work if appropriate. It worked out perfectly for my husband, as the week his CA ended he was asked back to where he had worked on a casual basis before he had to finish due to looking after his dad.

So at least your friend should have enough coming in to enable him to eat, even if the bills get a bit behind while things are sorted out.

sarymclary

Hello Stormy,
as you've already found this year, first of everything are difficult, but of course you have coped and found a way to get through them. Christmas will be the same, but it will be harder, because it ties in with the first anniversay or John's death, and all that rawness you felt then.

With such a great family like your's I would suggest you speak to them about it, ask how they feel, what they think, whilst letting them know that you're worrying about it already. It may be that they are feeling the same, and would like a low-key affair, or maybe even try to avoid the jollity of Christmas, because it wouldn't feel quite right. In which case, how about a nice family meal together at home, contributions from everyone if possible, but without too much fuss.

I found Christmas an odd one to deal with because it does tend to have a huge focus on having fun, laughter, happy families, traditional stuff, which of course won't happen this year because your traditional family had John. I didn't really want any presents for myself, and made it clear to my family that I didn't really need anything anyway, so buy an extra gift for someone else, or choose something for themselves instead. I did still buy for my boys, because for kids Christmas is still Christmas, and it does help for them to know they can still have a good time, despite not having a dad there on the day.

Perhaps you could make it a Celebration of John Day in stead? Share your stories and anecdotes about your favourite man John, and it will hopefully help all of you to feel he is with you anyway.

The best thing will be to speak to the family, and see what they suggest, but keeping things low key and small scale will definitely hlep you with the practicalities, because your mind will be elsewhere on the approach to 22nd Dec. and thereafter, I'm sure.

I always order a festive spray arrangement to take to DH's grave, and we walk down on Christmas morning to pay our respects and take his Christmas gift and card. The boys tell him what they got from Santa, and one of them offers to say a prayer, and in their own way they feel he's been part of their day.

Take care
(((hugs)))
S xx

AnW'sMum

I have been thinking about your fears for Christmas for a few days now.

It will be the second Christmas without Ian, can't believe he has been gone 15 months now. Last Chirstmas we went up to see Daddy and set off some balloons with messages tied to them, the kids loved doing this. Seeing as you can't give presents in the traditional sense I thought this was a nice alternative, plus we took a flower arrangement on Christmas morning. It was lovely and peaceful up there and lots of people were doing similar things, almost comforting to think that none of them would be on their own that day.

sarmclary and montycat have some good ideas for different things to do. For the sake of Alice and William we didn't do things that different (and to be honest I wanted to keep a large part the same).

A friend of mine lost his Dad the other year, his family decided to have a picnic in Chatsworth Park! Something so totally different to what they normally did, they loaded up picnic baskets with lots of nice yummy food, wrapped up warm, had a walk in the grounds. They also took a bottle of Champers to toast his dad and had a great day.

The important thing to remember that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate/cope with the day.

For you Stormy I am sure it will feel like the first Christmas without John as it happened so close last year everything must have been a blur. I would talk it through with all the family and list everyone's fears and hopes for the day. You don't necessarily have to have Christmas Day on the 25th (if Alice and William had not been so young I would have seriously considered a day or two later instead) Is there anything you and John had said you would like to do at Christmas but never got around to? Perhaps you could do that now.

Sending hugs to you and everyone else

xxx

bommer

Hi, Stormbay.

New to this thread, my dh has been diagnosed with terminal cancer so I don't know what xmas will hold still dealing with day to day but there 4 u.

BW Bommerxx