What to do when a partner/spouse dies.

MinnieSpender

seroxat_chick wrote:

You will receive a leaflet along with your Grant to help you. Basically, you send the Grant(s) to the establishments requiring one and they will release the monies. It's a good idea to open a separate account for paying in the assets, then once they're all in, you can settle any bills/debts and then distribute the remaining money as instructed.

Thank you so much - that's very useful! I can explain that to my relative when I see her this evening then. It's only her that will get the assets so it should be an easy job once I get the Grant.

I'm very grateful for your post.

Mins x

montycat_2

With regards to Grave plots ( some may find this unsuitable or ,even ghoulish) I have purchased a full sized grave plot for my husbands ashes and there is room for 9 more urns .I paid about £300 for it and ,it is now mine to pass on to my children in perpetuity .
The only thing that may put people off ,is the fact that it is a re-used grave so ,my beloved DH has company beneath him .
If you are into re-cycling though ,it is a good use of land space .Our cemetery offers these plots as an environmentally friendly alternative .

seroxat_chick

MinnieSpender wrote:

Thank you so much - that's very useful! I can explain that to my relative when I see her this evening then. It's only her that will get the assets so it should be an easy job once I get the Grant.

I'm very grateful for your post.

Mins x

You're very welcome.

I would just like to say that unless you've had to administer an estate before, you've probably never heard of Probate - I know I certainly hadn't!
The people who work at the Probate Registry are civil servants. Probate is part of The Court Service - a Government department. Very few people work at the Probate Registries in the UK. At the last Registry my husband worked at, there was only himself and one other person. Therefore, you are unlikely to ever meet somebody who works there - another reason why few people know of their existence.
I think this is why so many people assume that they need to appoint a solicitor when dealing with a Will or estate.
My husband has worked for the Probate Registry for 17 years now and has seen so many people consult solicitors unnecessarily - often resulting in large amounts of money being wasted.
When solicitors encounter a problem when dealing with an estate, who do you think they ring? The Probate Registry!
I have been trying to raise awareness of the fact that PR exist and that it is quite a simple task (applying for Probate / Letters of Administration) to do yourself. However, I'm getting the impression that people are still reluctant to believe me.
At the end of the day, of course, the decision is only yours to make, but I am not out to promote PR for the benefit of anybody else - they are part of this country's legal system!

Apologies if that seems to be a bit of a rant

lofilou

Firstly, my condolences to the lady who has lost her husband. My dad died suddenly at 57 before Xmas and we are having the terrible job of sorting out finances etc.

My father didn't leave a will but as many of the things such as the house, bank accounts etc were in joint names these automatically transfer to my mom.

As he died before pensionable age and after a certain age (not sure what that is) my mom is entitled to a bulk payment of £2000 - the bereavement fund and this is not means tested. She will now also receive about £78 per week for a year - bereavement pension - which is again not means tested.

There are other benefits available but this depends on whether you or your husband were receiving them before his death. The best contact for all this is your local job centre. Sounds strange but true.

One thing I must say is that the we have had to deal with very rude people and insensitive people at banks, life insurance companies, claims departments etc. all who should be trained in dealing with such sensitive cases. It has brought me to tears many a time in the last few weeks and made my mom ill with all the stress they add. If the lady can get someone to try and make phonecalls on her behalf it might help although I know some will only speak to the next of kin. Also be aware that no company puts a rush on getting claims through even in such important t

I hope I been of some help xxxx

MJay

Hi Montycat!
The number of posts I have put on this thread makes me look pretty goulish all round!! The reality is life seems to have thrown death at me from a number of angles: the funerals of ma n pa-in-law when I was just 22 and later three more nearest & dearest in very different situations (one at long distance...).

In addition to this, I have worked professionally (sometimes by direction, others by choice) with individuals experiencing grief; with the bereaved and survivors of a national disaster; those with HIV and AIDS and now I offer training to others....

One thing this has taoght me is that talking about death or grief seems to be the most difficult thing to do for many people. Our working structures have built in processes that underline the need to 'get on with life' (e.g. my former employer allowed just 5 days for bereavement leave... Anything more you must be 'sick' and require a doctors note!!)

Children fare worse... I have worked individually with children who learned about a parent's death from other children in the street; who couldn't talk about their loss for fear of sending the surviving parent into further floods of tears, repeating the desire to join their partner; a child who could not show that they were affected because all the adults maintained a 'stiff upper lip'; children of a deeply religious family who had to maintain the 'god knows best' front like everyone else but contrary to their usual nature caused ructions elsewhere..... You are right, do keep the school informed not only so that they can be helpful but also so that they don't misunderstand if the child's behaviour becomes a bit 'off'.

I have put in an earlier e-mail that there are many wonderful books written specifically for children experiencing endless different types of loss. Do a search for "Children & Bereavement" on any good book site throws up a fair sample and most good bookshops have a reasonable supply. The picture books provide a lovely vehicle for talking to even very young children.

As for one to one work with children, most Educational Psychology departments should offer this service or be able to reccommend someone with suitable background and experience, or perhaps some local specialist service for children.

Finally, in terms of burial plots our family go in for the 'economy' versions as there is only about £40 or £50 difference in cost. Dad is in a 'three up' and I was planning to jump in with him and eventually Mum.... Sadly, my lovely brother has since died and we all decided I'd go in with him instead.... Would hate him to be alone in there...!

This has also led me to the challenge of shopping for a headstone for him that will also become mine at some point in the future... Making it big enough for the Epitaphs means my kids wont have to fork out more money for another....

Thinking of those who are hurting at the moment and sending out the force......

Philippa

One thing that I would definitely suggest couples do, is for the policy holder (be that of car insurance, house insurance, SKY tv, electricity, gas, phone etc. etc.) to inform the provider that they wish their spouse / daughter / son to be able to contact the provider on their behalf. My mum was in no state to speak to these companies after my dad died and most refused to speak to me. They would only speak to the 'policy holder' and when I said time and time again, that he was dead, it didnt seem to matter and they had no guidelines to follow. Also, my mum was a nominated card holder on my dad's credit card. My mum did not have a credit card in her own name. So when my dad died, the credit card was frozen and she was unable to use it. Fortunately, I was able to pay for the immediate financial burdens, but some people might not be in such a position. Another thing, when registering a death, the Coroner will issue one Death Certificate (free of charge). It is worth considering getting more than one original (i bought 4 extra at a cost of £3 each). Many companies do not accept 'notarized' copies (from a solicitor) of a death certificate for proof of death and if you have to wait for the original to go back and forth in the post to perhaps dozens of companies, the process of informing utility companies etc. of the change in situation could become very long winded. And of course, one cant guaranteed that the Royal Mail wont lose the original?!

pollyanna76

sl171 wrote:

Also still having problems sorting her civil service pension out, so if any body has any help it would be much appreciated. My mum worked there for about 8-10 years (1970s) and paid a pension, however, they are saying that because she left before the widows pension came in to force and she did not transfer her pension to her nhs pension, that my dad is not entitled to the money.

My husband who died in 2006 was a civil service pensioner and in some of the information it sent me it says that before 1987 the pension of females did not automatically pass to the widower, unless the wife had paid extra contributions for this purpose.

As a tip, if you are not happy with their decision, if you have a legal service/ legal advice addition on your home insurance policy, it might be worth asking for their help. When my husband had a "holiday from hell" our home insurance company took his case to the small claims court, got a full refund on the holiday, plus compensation. If you belong to a Trade Union they often have a free legal advice service or of course The Citizen's Advice Bureau are brilliant.

Regards
Polly

Anne_Arthur

I have helped a very good friend and my mother in law through the probate process after they lost their husbands. One thing that my brother in law did that was so useful in retrospect was to keep a copy of the newspaper on the day his father died to have a record of the value of the shares at the date of death for inheritance tax/probate purposes.
Another tip I would suggest is to buy a load of plastic A4 wallets and labels as soon as possible and when you are opening post, even if you cannot face dealing with it, file it in a wallet labeled Gas, electricity, phone, bank etc. It is amazing how many people you have to contact to remove your spouses name from the bill/account or swap to your name. Also be prepared for the staff in these organisations to be totally tactless and unthinking in their dealings with you. It is as if someone has turned off the humanity switch from people in call centres. My friend had the phone company disconnect her because they didn't change the name on the phone account to hers and then when they found out the husband had died disconnected the phone. (Really helpful at this difficult time when you need friends to call). I did most of this for my mother in law and as someone not so directly involved it was easier to cope with these calls. Don't know if this is helpful, but my first post on this website.

pkwales

robledouk wrote:

exactly what I did as well. I think the solicitors wanted 5% had they done the probate so I just went and did it myself (on behalf of my mum) which was fairly straightforward and saved a fortune. (Luckily 99% of the policies/accounts etc he had were in joint names which made things all the more easier)

After dealing with 3 deaths over the last 10 years, I must agree with the correspondents who warn of the dangers of "professionals" being named as executors.They can charge for their "professional" services and they do that by taking a percentage of the estate (5% is normal) , a relative or friend can only charge expenses. Example £200,000 house £20,000 savings etc. husband dies leaving wife.Solicitor (or bank) takes £11,000 , wife get £9,000 minus funeral expenses and probate fees and taxes. If the wife is named executrix £20,000. If there is no will it is a simple matter for her to apply as next of kin to be administrator of the estate at the probate office, result £20,000. Being an executor is easy! The probate office will help if you are unsure and the Which book is very good.

moanymoany

When my father-in-law died my husband gave his mother a large file with a thin pad of lined paper and a pack of plastic pockets. She found this invaluable, keeping notes of things to do, somewhere to put letters etc. It meant that all the current things were together.

She and my father-in-law had got everything in order - joint bank account, wills, knowing where everything was. The file kept her going for a couple of months until she had everything under control.

We have just asked the bank how much it is to keep documents - our wills - there. It is not a lot. We figure that our kids will go to the bank to find documents. This is safer than having documents scattered around the house, at solicitors or wherever.

Making a will is very important. I worked for years as a solicitor and was horrified at the things people thought would happen to their major possessions if one of them died without a will. Married couples have some, very limited, protection. Unmarried couples have so little that they could be left really high and dry. 'Common-law wife or husband' is NOT the same no matter how long they have been together. My friend had been living with her partner for nearly 30 years and got a terrible shock when he had a stroke and the hospital staff consulted his daughter, who he had not had contact with for years, and not her. As soon as he came out of hospital they got married. Until then they were unaware how few rights they had.