What to do when a partner/spouse dies.

kaibil_2

Having been CEO of a charity which had to deal with the deaths of many members, young and old on a regular basis one thing stands out - organise your funeral in advance. When the time comes your family will be stressed and unsure what to do and often what you would want, they will invariably spend more than they need, often money they don't have. By organising (and paying for) your funeral in advance you lift the burden on them, ensure you get the send off you would give yourself and, with Martin in Mind, you beat inflation. We are all going to go noe day, you plan a holiday, why not plan your final trip? You will need to research in your local area but I know that COOP allow you to "book in advance", there will be others funeral directors happy to help.

Can Martin help on the economics of it?

K

MinnieSpender

Faith_Lady wrote:

My darling Mum died last year and I too would recommend doing probate yourself if you can and the estate is not too complicated. Mum was very organised and she and my late father had written their own very straightforward wills, no solicitor used.

I decided I would do the probate myself, rather daunting when all the forms arrived but if you steadily work through them and do a bit at a time, you'll get through them. Just had to go to an appointment and affirm I was who I was and obtaining probate cost me only £94.00.

I know Mum would be pleased that I hadn't had to use a solicitor and was able to save money that otherwise would have been spent on solicitor's fees. I wish more people knew that they could do their own probate and that you do not always need a solicitor.

Faith Lady - I am so sorry to hear about your loss but would like to thank you for your very timely post. I was just about to post a question on probate.

I am about to do the probate for a relative of mine whose lost her husband at Christmas. After being quoted £175 an hour for a solicitor to do the work, she asked me to help.

I have been to the Probate Registry today to collect the forms and have been assured that it is a straightforward process by an officer there. The forms look OK to me and I am travelling to see my relative tomorrow to sort out any paperwork I'll need (they were a very organised couple, thankfully). I have been told that the whole process should take less then four weeks once I have taken the paperwork in (which will be Monday).

Could you tell me and others on the board who may be interested what happens when I receive the Grant of Probate?

Many thanks in advance.

seroxat_chick

MinnieSpender wrote:

Could you tell me and others on the board who may be interested what happens when I receive the Grant of Probate?

Many thanks in advance.

You will receive a leaflet along with your Grant to help you. Basically, you send the Grant(s) to the establishments requiring one and they will release the monies. It's a good idea to open a separate account for paying in the assets, then once they're all in, you can settle any bills/debts and then distribute the remaining money as instructed.

Jummy

kaibil wrote:

Having been CEO of a charity which had to deal with the deaths of many members, young and old on a regular basis one thing stands out - organise your funeral in advance. When the time comes your family will be stressed and unsure what to do and often what you would want, they will invariably spend more than they need, often money they don't have. By organising (and paying for) your funeral in advance you lift the burden on them, ensure you get the send off you would give yourself and, with Martin in Mind, you beat inflation. We are all going to go noe day, you plan a holiday, why not plan your final trip? You will need to research in your local area but I know that COOP allow you to "book in advance", there will be others funeral directors happy to help.

Can Martin help on the economics of it?

K

Can we have some sort of guide to advise on funeral costs please.
My dear dad has terminal lung cancer and the only thing already paid for is my parents burial plot.
My parents are both pensioners and have no funeral plan arranged.
They do not own their own home and i am worried sick about how much a funeral will actually cost.
I am saving frantically as is my mum and i know she will receive some help as my parents receive pension credit but from what i can gather she will not receive enough to cover even a basic funeral.
I have read about funerals costing anything from 2,000 to 5,000 which is quite frightening.
Do the funeral directors expect full payment before the funeral or will they let you pay in installments?
I know you have to pay for the essentials ie, coffin,cars,church fees (it will be a catholic funeral) etc but do the funeral directors take advantage and push you to paying for things you dont necesarily need?
I really am stressing about this so any help really appreciated.
Thanks!

sarymclary

My DH died almost 3 years ago, and I found writing 'Please return to: and my address' in pencil on the back of each Death Certificate to save any from going astray.

In fact, I even got a copy of the Certificate sent to me that my In-Laws had acquired, and sent to DH's bank (without a return address on the back) without my knowledge. Since I was the legal next-of-kin, the bank automatically returned it to me, and helped me to retrieve it (In-law's had registered the death for me, 'to save me the trauma of having to do so with 4 young children in tow, and travelling 100 miles to the place DH had died; they also tried to have him buried without my knowledge)!

Sudden death/beareavement can bring about mixed reactions in people you thought you knew well. My DH's death ripped my family's dynamics apart, because certain family members felt the need to 'blame' other members, for a death that was nobody's fault. My advice, if you do not have wonderful supportive friends and family to support you every step of the way, to seek help from Cruse bereavement counselling, or your local Parish Church, who invariably have their own support team to help with just such a crisis.

Contact every employer you're aware the deceased had, just on the off-chance there is a small unknown occupational pension. Eventually the 'system' might kick one of these out anyway, after the Inland Revenue process national insurance and tax details, because I had a small one off payment of £260 sent to me by a company I had never heard of.

If you're having to do a funeral on a very tight budget, ring the local council to compare church/cemetary burial plot fees. By using my own village churchyard, rather than the local town's cemetary I save around £400, plus it's closer and in a nicer location to be laid to rest. Funeral directors do seem to gently try to 'sell' you what I thought were rather unnecessary additions to the basic needs of a coffin (such as fancy linings, and what I can only describe as frilly curtains). My DH had always jokingly said to throw him over the back fence when he died, but I thought the neighbours would complain. In the end I chose the simplest designs, as I felt that my DH would have preferred them anyway, and I could just imagine him looking over my shoulder when I was there saying 'what's the point, I can't see them anyway, and I never liked curtains we had blinds!' So many friends offered the children and me lifts to/from the church that there were no need for limo's. I was a bit surprised that it cost £42 just to have a short notice put in the local paper too, which the funeral director's didn't advise the cost of before the final bill. That said, they were understanding about waiting to be paid, as I was due the one off bereavement payment of £2k, which covered everything.

bushboy1976

Two things to reinforce from above:

1. Death certificates - get as many copies as possible. Every git needs them.
2. Deed of variations - brilliant things, but remember the two year deadline. It may seem like a long time but you soon hit the deadline

General advice

1. The admin is a b*gger. When my dad died my uncle was a star. He's retired and sat in our spare room sorting admin for a whole week. Don't assume people make one of the most difficult times in life easy for you, just when you really need it to be.
2. People who say time heals are lying to you. They're trying to be nice, but it's the most useless bit of advice I've ever been given. The feeling doesn't change, you just get more used to it and you remember it less often.

I and 3 other friends all lost parents within a year of each other. Perversely we were lucky as we all learnt from each other and could sympathise.

JF

The_farmer_3

Tip 1.
Once your children hit 18 get them to make their own simple will. What with money gifts from god-parents, grandparents and ourselves it surprising how it all mounts up to a tidy little sum. Also gets them in the swing of dealing with their finances.

Tip 2.
Update your own will on a regular basis

Tip 3.
If you want to leave a specific sum of money to someone always leave it as a percentage figure of your estate. eg if your estate was worth 100k and you wanted to leave 10k to your best friend, leave the legacy as 10% of your estate - then no matter what happens to your finances they will always have the same part of your estate that you wanted them to.

MJay

Jummy
It cost about £1300 here in Liverpool from an independant funeral company but that did include one VERY LARGE car for immediate family as well as the hearse. The total cost overall was about £2300 but that included a 'bit of a do' at a good local hotel/ flowers etc... You don't have to have a funeral director (see https://www.Direct.gov.uk) and could consider going it alone or reducing it to a minimum by friends driving their own cars and taking others.

You could consider talking to benefit agencies/funeral directors/ friends etc now to get some idea and at least you and your Mum would get some idea about the cost of the funeral you and she want for your Dad. In the meantime, the force be with you and your Mum.... Hugs Maryx

PS Hmmm...... Just a thought......hope you know that your Dad would immediately qualify for DLA.... If he is not getting it already, claim IMMEDIATELY as the claim is dated from the date you requested a pack.

MJay

Martin
I echo others comments.... This topic should be a 'sticky' if that means people can find it easily from the forums list (I keep having to go back to the newsletter...) I think you have hit a raw nerve and a desperate gap in our society.....

Death, bereavement and loss (not sex or booze or drugs) is the new 'taboo' in this country. You have given folk the chance to talk.....

There is more than just practical stuff being shared in this thread.... People have found a way of saying how difficult their loss was for them for any number of reasons and that is justification enough.

If the vehicle of 'moneysaving' or just practical advise allows people to write about this stuff that is great.........

However, all are keen to spare others the pain they had if possible by being aware of some of the practical stuff........ I think there is plenty of reason and justification for this to be a permanent feature. Many thanks. Mary

montycat_2

When dealing with school-age children and bereavement ,it is important to keep the school informed of how the family dynamics are working or ,not working.
My kids schools have been brilliant but one thing I have noticed a lack of is ,Child Bereavement specialists in my Local Health Authority .
I was offered help but ,little help to help my children -something which is needed .
I have found my local church very good for dealing with the little ones and their issues .