Am I overreacting?

Sambucus_Nigra

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Ah works different - I actually get up 4 hours before i have to start work to make sure im there on time.

Friends - generally we go out once every few months nightclubbing - missing a pub because im busy elsewhere is hardly the crime of the century

I think you are missing the point somewhat. lol. Not.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I think you are missing the point somewhat. lol. Not.

I dont kick off when my friends are delayed, so they shouldnt kick off if im delayed. But then, in our group it's never been an issue. we all understand people have other more important things than a glass of rose with the girls we generally all text or call every day but rarely go out as we are all busy with other things in life.

It would be different in our group if it was say - being late to catch a train to get somewhere - but then we never venture that far away from home as we all have kids etc generally when people are late we have only ever organised a drink in a pub and we're all quite happy to wait

rainbow81

Skint_chick - I am glad you have come to a decision about your friendship.

Do you remember before mobile phones (depends how old you are, lol) and when you made arrangements to meet you honoured them? I find now with texting that people are a lot more laissez-faire about arrangements. It works well for spontaneous types but for people who like to plan (ie me!) it's dreadful knowing that you've made plans with someone but up until they actually turn up you don't know if you're going to get a text saying they've changed they're mind/are late, etc.

I think you can still remain friends but make sure it's on your terms, keep it casual and just don't arrange things in advance with her.

SandC

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I dont kick off when my friends are delayed, so they shouldnt kick off if im delayed. But then, in our group it's never been an issue. we all understand people have other more important things than a glass of rose with the girls we generally all text or call every day but rarely go out as we are all busy with other things in life.

It would be different in our group if it was say - being late to catch a train to get somewhere - but then we never venture that far away from home as we all have kids etc generally when people are late we have only ever organised a drink in a pub and we're all quite happy to wait

Yes but you did say you were notorious for it, which led us to think that in a group situation everyone is usually there on time - but you are not.

Anyhow, c'est la vie. It wouldn't work for me because it is one of my bugbears. I am early for everything, often to be found sitting in cars waiting or aimlessly looking in shop windows.

fluffnutter

SandC wrote: »

Agree, I find lateness incredibly rude. As a one off or occasional thing it's fine, but to be notorious for it just means you can't be bothered to make the effort to get somewhere at the time you said you would.

Habitual lateness says 'my time is my important than yours'. It's unbelievably rude and I can't understand why it's so readily tolerated.

fluffnutter

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I dont kick off when my friends are delayed, so they shouldnt kick off if im delayed.

Perhaps you don't notice - on account of always being later than them anyway.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

SandC wrote: »

Yes but you did say you were notorious for it, which led us to think that in a group situation everyone is usually there on time - but you are not.

Anyhow, c'est la vie. It wouldn't work for me because it is one of my bugbears. I am early for everything, often to be found sitting in cars waiting or aimlessly looking in shop windows.

I'd rather be the "late one" in our group than the "drunk emotional" one

They all know if i say i'm 5 minutes away, I'm actually more like 10 (I'm useless with times and driving distance) but i've always been the same so they're used to it now

fluffnutter wrote: »

Perhaps you don't notice - on account of always being later than them anyway.

Nope - trust me - they would say lol They are quite a vocal bunch when they want to be :rotfl:

fluffnutter

skint_chick wrote: »

So I need some advice/thoughts because I'm stuck for what to do. My best friend of several years has just cancelled yet another social event - she is giving me the money for her ticket but that's not really the point. Her reason is that she's tired and has plans for the weekend - yet she's known about this night for a couple of months and it was her idea. She cancels on me about 40% of the time usually on the day or day before because she's sick/tired and when we do go out I usually collect her/do all the running about. We've booked a break away in a couple of months time and now she's making noises about not having enough spending money even though we booked a while back and she earns more than me and has less to pay for.

So what my slightly angry mind is telling me is that this is one time too many she's been messing me around since last week so I have no time to get anyone else to go - it's tomorrow and time off work is needed - and I want to bring OH on the break instead of her and not speak to her. Is this an overreaction? This is 3rd time in a row she's cancelled on me after making arrangements to suit her

You have a flaky friend, skint_chick. They're very common. You can do a few things...

1. Put up with it. Friends are good to have, after all. What does it matter if she's a bit unreliable - she's still kind/good fun/supportive etc.
2. Tell her. Calmly say 'you mess me around, I'm forever changing my plans for you, I've had enough'.
3. Be flexible and keep her at a bit of a distance. Don't make specific plans, particularly not weekend holidays. Enjoy her company if you bump into her but don't put all your social eggs in her basket. See other people.

There are downsides to all...

1. You'll end up behaving like a martyr and become more and more resentful.
2. It won't make the slightest difference and could potentially trigger a nasty scene. Alternatively she might change for a while, but will slip back to her old ways, and you'll end up resentful a la point No. 1.
3. Bit difficult to manage but probably the best solution.

Don't just dump her if you like her. But try to be less vulnerable to her whims. Arrange things that you'll enjoy with or without her and just get on with it whether she comes or not.

And definitely take your OH on the weekend break! If she's messing you about, call her bluff! Just say 'Oh no worries, I've arranged to take Mr skint_chick instead. You seemed unsure. Perhaps another time, hmm' and leave it at that.

antonia1

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I'd rather be the "late one" in our group than the "drunk emotional" one

Personally, I prefer to be neither the "late one" nor the "drunk emotional" one.

OP, good decision on your friend. I have ditched a friend over being flaky (though we were about 17), and I've never regretted it. The possibility of illness is always there, but if a person chooses not to tell you about an illness then they can't really expect special consideration because of it.

RacyRed

Solstice_Twilight wrote: »

From your friend's perspective, I have long-term health problems that include chronic pain and fatigue. As a result, I very rarely agree to do anything in advance because I have absolutely no idea how I will be on any given day, and I detest letting people down at the last minute but it doesn't stop people becoming frustrated with me because I'm very private about my health, and although they all know that I'm unwell, I tend to put on a shiny happy face and save the tears for behind closed doors. Do talk to your friend and explain how you feel. She may feel quite socially isolated and might not be coping with her health, but is unwilling to admit it to herself, much less to anyone else.

This, this this....

It is heartbreaking when you really want to do something with friends then your health lets you down. And you know you are letting down people you genuinely care about.

For many of us it isn't lazyness and it isn't a case of us not making the effort, it is knowing that if we try to stick to arrangements on a "bad" day we are going to pretty much cripple ourselves with the effort. The really nasty bit is that you don't know until the day itself how your health is going to be.

I try not to agree to things in advance either as I feel awful letting people down, but it is one of those things that those who don't experience it just can't understand. How could they? It is must seem ridiculous to them, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. Then they don't understand why there is reluctance not to arrange things in advance either.

So catch 22 - arrange things in advance and risk letting people down or say no to everything then appear seriously anti-social.

If I'm having a good day I try to make sure I see friends, with me doing the running around and arranging, but of course many people are rarely able to do things on the spur of the moment.

In this situation it does sound as if your friend may be messing you about.

But to those of you who are impatient with unreliable friends... Try walking a mile in our shoes before writing us off.