Am I overreacting?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think you should re-think that - being notorious for being a pain in the neck and inconsiderate wouldn't be a "lol" for me.

SandC wrote: »

Agree, I find lateness incredibly rude. As a one off or occasional thing it's fine, but to be notorious for it just means you can't be bothered to make the effort to get somewhere at the time you said you would.

for you two maybe - but then my friends all understand i have a 4 year old who takes more priority than meeting them - if 4 year old needs me for 5 minutes or so before im due to go out the door - then the 4 year old wins I always let them know i wont be there on time and ask if they want me to meet them elsewhere where they will be - so hardly rude.

Life isnt always as easy as being somewhere on time. There are factors that people cant help - traffic jams, car break downs, upset kids, and if friends dont understand that, then they arent really worthwhile friends in the first place.

skint_chick

It wouldn't be an issue if she was genuinely ill or couldn't face going out because she's depressed or having a tough time at work but I know this isn't the case because I've asked all these questions already and she isn't giving that impression with being out every weekend socialising and enjoying herself - she has a job she enjoys and has more spare cash than me so I don't know what it could be other than she can't be bothered sticking to an arrangement. I don't think I'm a demanding friend - this was her idea and I wanted to go too so I agreed - I don't ring her to complain or think about myself all the time. If she had a good reason for cancelling on me it would be fine but to just say she's feeling a bit off and can't be bothered to sit in traffic etc isn't a proper reason.

I'm sure some of you will still think I'm heartless because she could be ill/have issues etc but I know that's not the case as this is an ongoing issue. I just don't want to let her upset me and stress me out at cancelling things at the last minute when I've made arrangements round our plans - OH and I share a car - and I've changed work shifts to suit plans she's made before and had them cancelled a few hours before. I'm just tired by it all

Hermia

skint_chick wrote: »

I'm sure some of you will still think I'm heartless because she could be ill/have issues etc but I know that's not the case as this is an ongoing issue. I just don't want to let her upset me and stress me out at cancelling things at the last minute when I've made arrangements round our plans - OH and I share a car - and I've changed work shifts to suit plans she's made before and had them cancelled a few hours before. I'm just tired by it all

I definitely don't think you are heartless. If she was ill/depressed I think there would be other signs and it wouldn't always be you who gets taken for granted. I think people must be sensitive and compassionate, but we can't go through life letting people off awful behaviour because they might be ill or depressed. I imagine the amount of bad behaviour that is down to health or personal problems is small compared to the amount of bad behaviour that is down to people being inconsiderate and selfish.

If you want to keep here as a friend tell her how you feel and make it clear something has got to change. I'd be inclined to just not make any plans. Be friendly if you bump into her at social occasions, but say you don't feel able to make any more plans with her as she keeps leaving you in the lurch.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

skint_chick wrote: »

It wouldn't be an issue if she was genuinely ill or couldn't face going out because she's depressed or having a tough time at work but I know this isn't the case because I've asked all these questions already and she isn't giving that impression with being out every weekend socialising and enjoying herself - she has a job she enjoys and has more spare cash than me so I don't know what it could be other than she can't be bothered sticking to an arrangement. I don't think I'm a demanding friend - this was her idea and I wanted to go too so I agreed - I don't ring her to complain or think about myself all the time. If she had a good reason for cancelling on me it would be fine but to just say she's feeling a bit off and can't be bothered to sit in traffic etc isn't a proper reason.

I'm sure some of you will still think I'm heartless because she could be ill/have issues etc but I know that's not the case as this is an ongoing issue. I just don't want to let her upset me and stress me out at cancelling things at the last minute when I've made arrangements round our plans - OH and I share a car - and I've changed work shifts to suit plans she's made before and had them cancelled a few hours before. I'm just tired by it all

Hmm - do you think then maybe its just you that she doesnt want to be around but doesnt want/know how to say?

you might be a "back up" friend?

SandC

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

for you two maybe - but then my friends all understand i have a 4 year old who takes more priority than meeting them - if 4 year old needs me for 5 minutes or so before im due to go out the door - then the 4 year old wins I always let them know i wont be there on time and ask if they want me to meet them elsewhere where they will be - so hardly rude.

Life isnt always as easy as being somewhere on time. There are factors that people cant help - traffic jams, car break downs, upset kids, and if friends dont understand that, then they arent really worthwhile friends in the first place.

Once in a while, every so often, yes but regularly, nope.

SandC

skint_chick wrote: »

It wouldn't be an issue if she was genuinely ill or couldn't face going out because she's depressed or having a tough time at work but I know this isn't the case because I've asked all these questions already and she isn't giving that impression with being out every weekend socialising and enjoying herself - she has a job she enjoys and has more spare cash than me so I don't know what it could be other than she can't be bothered sticking to an arrangement. I don't think I'm a demanding friend - this was her idea and I wanted to go too so I agreed - I don't ring her to complain or think about myself all the time. If she had a good reason for cancelling on me it would be fine but to just say she's feeling a bit off and can't be bothered to sit in traffic etc isn't a proper reason.

I'm sure some of you will still think I'm heartless because she could be ill/have issues etc but I know that's not the case as this is an ongoing issue. I just don't want to let her upset me and stress me out at cancelling things at the last minute when I've made arrangements round our plans - OH and I share a car - and I've changed work shifts to suit plans she's made before and had them cancelled a few hours before. I'm just tired by it all

It doesn't seem like she is ill or stressed because it seems like it's only you who bears the brunt of this. And I don't think you are heartless. Look at it this way - you need to either back off and don't arrange stuff or you have a talk with her and lay it on the line. If you back off she might click or she might disappear. If you lay it on the line well if it is something to do with stress (anxiety maybe?) then she'll probably be relieved you brought it up. Or maybe she just has blinkers where you are concerned. You know when sometimes we take our partners for granted or they us and we only realise when it's pointed out that we treat our friends better? It might be something like that where she hasn't even realised what she's been doing because you've always put up with it.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

SandC wrote: »

Once in a while, every so often, yes but regularly, nope.

unfortunatley I can't predict when DD is going to throw a tantrum, or when traffic will be jammed because someone has had an accident or indeed when my car will break down - If i could, I would bottle it, sell it, become a millionaire and wouldnt have time to be seeing friends anyway as i'd be jet setting the world lol :rotfl:

neverdespairgirl

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

for you two maybe - but then my friends all understand i have a 4 year old who takes more priority than meeting them - if 4 year old needs me for 5 minutes or so before im due to go out the door - then the 4 year old wins I always let them know i wont be there on time and ask if they want me to meet them elsewhere where they will be - so hardly rude.

Life isnt always as easy as being somewhere on time. There are factors that people cant help - traffic jams, car break downs, upset kids, and if friends dont understand that, then they arent really worthwhile friends in the first place.

I have a 6 year old. And I also have a job where I have to be on time. So I leave early, that way if things go pear-shaped, I'm still very rarely late.

I can imagine you swanning into court and saying, "these things happen...."

Being punctual most of the time is just good manners. Of course sometimes things happen. But if you are "notorious" for being very late, it's just you being rude and badly organised.

Sambucus_Nigra

My best mate has a 2 yr old and 2 7 month old twins and she is never late. It's about attitude - don't blame the kids when it's the parents who just can't organise themselves.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I have a 6 year old. And I also have a job where I have to be on time. So I leave early, that way if things go pear-shaped, I'm still very rarely late.

I can imagine you swanning into court and saying, "these things happen...."

Being punctual most of the time is just good manners. Of course sometimes things happen. But if you are "notorious" for being very late, it's just you being rude and badly organised.

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

My best mate has a 2 yr old and 2 7 month old twins and she is never late. It's about attitude - don't blame the kids when it's the parents who just can't organise themselves.

Ah works different - I actually get up 4 hours before i have to start work to make sure im there on time.

Friends - generally we go out once every few months nightclubbing - missing a pub because im busy elsewhere is hardly the crime of the century