Am I overreacting?

skint_chick

So I need some advice/thoughts because I'm stuck for what to do. My best friend of several years has just cancelled yet another social event - she is giving me the money for her ticket but that's not really the point. Her reason is that she's tired and has plans for the weekend - yet she's known about this night for a couple of months and it was her idea. She cancels on me about 40% of the time usually on the day or day before because she's sick/tired and when we do go out I usually collect her/do all the running about. We've booked a break away in a couple of months time and now she's making noises about not having enough spending money even though we booked a while back and she earns more than me and has less to pay for.

I was really supportive the last 18months or so through family and job problems and talked her through stuff every night and now I feel like she isn't making an effort and is letting me down YET again. I feel my good nature is being taken advantage of - BUT don't want to overreact - my ex did this a lot cancelling on me and I paid for everything and don't want to be a mug again. None of my other friends treat me like this and I wouldn't do this to them either.

So what my slightly angry mind is telling me is that this is one time too many she's been messing me around since last week so I have no time to get anyone else to go - it's tomorrow and time off work is needed - and I want to bring OH on the break instead of her and not speak to her. Is this an overreaction? This is 3rd time in a row she's cancelled on me after making arrangements to suit her

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

skint_chick wrote: »

So I need some advice/thoughts because I'm stuck for what to do. My best friend of several years has just cancelled yet another social event - she is giving me the money for her ticket but that's not really the point. Her reason is that she's tired and has plans for the weekend - yet she's known about this night for a couple of months and it was her idea. She cancels on me about 40% of the time usually on the day or day before because she's sick/tired and when we do go out I usually collect her/do all the running about. We've booked a break away in a couple of months time and now she's making noises about not having enough spending money even though we booked a while back and she earns more than me and has less to pay for.

I was really supportive the last 18months or so through family and job problems and talked her through stuff every night and now I feel like she isn't making an effort and is letting me down YET again. I feel my good nature is being taken advantage of - BUT don't want to overreact - my ex did this a lot cancelling on me and I paid for everything and don't want to be a mug again. None of my other friends treat me like this and I wouldn't do this to them either.

So what my slightly angry mind is telling me is that this is one time too many she's been messing me around since last week so I have no time to get anyone else to go - it's tomorrow and time off work is needed - and I want to bring OH on the break instead of her and not speak to her. Is this an overreaction? This is 3rd time in a row she's cancelled on me after making arrangements to suit her

Ok - personally - i think your over reacting slightly. Its annoying yes, but worth falling out over?

You've mentioned she's been having problems - you should allow some leeway for that

You also mention that you dont want to be "taken for a mug" as your ex did this to you - yet in the beginning of the post you mention your friend is actually giving you money for the ticket - so how is that taking you for a mug.

I know its frustrating but there may be reasons. I'm notorious for saying i will attend functions etc - then only staying for a short time. Not because i dont want to go, but because I have so much on and sometimes I just cant deal with facing people. (Im also notorious for turning up late lol)

Your friends gave you notice - its not as if she has stood you up on the day.

If it upsets you that much - then simply tell her and dont bother inviting her to functions

Emmzi

what do you get out of the friendship?

pigpen

How many years did you survive before you know her?

I doubt not having her in your life would make that much difference.. dump her and move on.

This is precisely why I dont do friends.. they are too much like hard work.. always on the take and never there when you need something or someone...

I think you are over-reacting slihtly, but this is a repeated experience not something which is a one off.. a one off you can understand..

Life is too short to worry about people who just want to use you.

meritaten

I dont think you are over -reacting. A friend who keeps letting you down in this way should be treated with caution in future.
Take your OH instead!
I am wondering if your friend is actually suffering an illness? she may feel fine when agreeing or suggesting plans - then has periods of illness? she may be hiding suffering something like ME or MS? I would talk to her and tell her how disappointed you are - and perhaps say something like 'I am getting really worried how many times you can't do things we planned as you don't feel well enough'? 'I am scared that you are ill and haven't told me'?
If she insists that she is well - then perhaps I wouldnt make plans in future with her.

Solstice_Twilight

From your friend's perspective, I have long-term health problems that include chronic pain and fatigue. As a result, I very rarely agree to do anything in advance because I have absolutely no idea how I will be on any given day, and I detest letting people down at the last minute but it doesn't stop people becoming frustrated with me because I'm very private about my health, and although they all know that I'm unwell, I tend to put on a shiny happy face and save the tears for behind closed doors. Do talk to your friend and explain how you feel. She may feel quite socially isolated and might not be coping with her health, but is unwilling to admit it to herself, much less to anyone else.

Lara44

I don't think you're over-reacting, but have you hidden your real (p*ssed off) feelings from her so far? If yes, I think you should let her know politely that you're a bit disappointed, feel let down. If the two of you just bought two tickets then she's effectively cancelling the event for you as well, which is very unfair. You should give her the change to change her behaviour a bit, as it may be she's in a bit of bubble and honestly doesn't realise she is frustrating you.

If she knows she has upset you but still doesn't make any moves to change then I would change how I meet up with her. I have very flaky friends that I love, but I would only arrange to see them in a group (so that if they cancel it doesn't matter). I'd also make her do the arranging and paying for of tickets so she has more responsibility. Sounds like you are the organiser.

Ultimately people don't really change too much and if you want to stay friends you have to find a way of spending time together that isn't frustrating for you. I think this is totally possible with a bit of creative thinking. I wouldn't want to lose a friend over it, but would prefer to change my own expectations of what that friend is like instead. Hope that makes sense!

Stephb1986_2

I agree what do you get out of this friendship?? If it's not much you know what to do

Steph xx

VfM4meplse

I think your friend is depressed and may have an intermittent social phobia to boot. It looks like you're not out of pocket so enjoy the evening w/o her. You'll find that you become even more sociable if you are out on your own, and will end up expanding your social circle.

However if a man ever did this to me he would be booted out on his backside.

Mupette

i'm always being asked out and at the time i usually say yes, but being ill, come the day i might not be able to go, i know my friends don't mind as they understand MS has a life of it's own.

They don't stop asking, one was around today, she lives in Bournemouth i'm in bristol, she was coming to town ( i didnt know) she rings asks if i want coffee and half hour later she was here,

She is having a rough time atm, but she also knows her friends are there, doesnt matter if she cancels a date with us, she has a few times, but we understand.

Perhaps ask your friend if she is ok and does she need help or support with anything.

skint_chick

She doesn't have any health issues to my knowledge and was out all weekend socialising and has a hen weekend this weekend so doesn't have issues with socialising or actual sickness. I know she's paying me for her ticket but I bought it weeks ago before the last payday and in reality I'm not sure I'll ever get the money - as quite a lot of the time she doesn't have any money on her or is skint so I end up paying for things and then never getting the money back even when I ask.

Her family and job probs are sorted out now and I made a lot of excuses for her when things were rough for her. I know she's not doing this to other friends and I'm thinking she just isn't interested in spending time with me anymore but doesn't have the heart to tell me.

If this was a one off or even the first few times I would let it go but it happens a lot of times even when it's her suggesting when we meet and where. I don't know what I get out of the friendship because she's making me feel like I'm not worth being around - and other people disagree with this so I can't be a really terrible friend surely?