Did anyone Used to Get Smacked as a Child?

System

I was smacked as a child, albeit i'm somewhat dysfunctional but i don't think the two are directly related.

j.e.j.

I have mixed feelings about it. I think kids need boundaries, for their own sake. And they will push until they know what those boundaries are. That said, you don't want them to learn from you that if something/someone doesn't do as you want them to, just smack them!

I was hit as a kid, my mother only occasionally when I was naughty, my step-father used to hit more, and well into my teens. That's another issue, - there are so many different family-types now, - should the step-parent be hitting the child..

For example I remember the first time I got a smack from him, - I would have been about 4 years old, and at the time he was my mother's boyfriend. I'd taken myself off round the block on my own on my bike, without telling anyone and my mother was worried. When I arrived back home I was greeted with a loud and aggressive: "J, Get in there!! (meaning in the house)" and a smack. Looking back I think he was wrong to do that. But then he, too, came from a father who I think wasn't averse to being physical. These things perpetuate, don't they.

I'd say ideally you should not smack the child, but punish it in another way. I don't have kids of my own, though so can't speak from experience.

blue_monkey_2

My daughter gets things confiscated but it still makes no difference to her behaviour, she learns nothing from it as far as I can see. I confiscated all of her sylvanians, soft toys and dolls for 4 months - she didn't even miss them after a week or so and just read books instead. Done the same with the DS and her not being allowed to watch TV and having to do chores. She finds something else to do, or she will enjoy the chores or she will have homework or a book to read - and then it is not a punishment. I simply cannot confiscate everything in the house, nor in her room, we just do not have the space and then she'll go and play with her brothers stuff instead anyway - who has behaved so I cannot remove those as well. I send her to her room she'll get a book from the book case and read that, I cannot remove all the books, I simply do not have the room as we have too many. I cannot lock her in her room else they'll be hell to pay for that too if someone finds out. I;ve stopped her going to Brownies and swimming and made her stay in her room. And still she did not care.

Only last week, sick of being spoken to like a piece of crap the entire time she got a smack on the leg. And actually, that DID work. And I smacked her because it was the summer holidays and she is not going to go and report me to her teacher. She was saying I smacked her so hard she could not walk (trust me, had it had been that hard she'd had not been able to walk) - how would that look to the school if she told them that? It felt that hard because I had never done it before. However, I have noticed a change and she has stopped screaming at me when she cannot get her own way so maybe it did work, that short, sharp shock was needed. I did not feel guilt because she overstepped the line - she was given several warnings and then she continued.

I've not smacked before but I think I may well do again now. However, not if it was a school day because of being pulled in that one time. She can make my life hell but I cannot punish her without it being questioned? it was embarrassing and humiliating. The teacher told me that I should be sending her a bid a little later than her brother and maybe she felt 'left out'. There is a year between them and they went to bed at 7.30 - they needed that sleep too so I felt I should not be sending her to bed later. Unfortunately we do not get people to help out with childcare so I do not get that break for them like other people do.

I'd like to send her to bed without tea as well but I could do without the hassle it would cause if she went to school and said I did not feed her in the evenings. She has had an untold number of early nights.

What works for some just does not work for others, if the naughty and withdrawing privilleges step works for you then great, however it does not work for my daughter at all. I've not had so much lip the last few days so hopefully the smack has given her something to think about for the future and I'll not have to do it again.

Torry_Quine

I was never smacked as a child by either of my parents and have grown up to be a responsible adult, I hope.

blue_monkey_2

A lot of people on here are talking about being beaten as a child - the odd smack once every few months is not beating a child. However, it just takes the one bruise to be accused of it - most parents won't risk it IMO. They certainly do not freely admit it to others. Some will, but the majority won't.

RacyRed

Tropez wrote: »

No, we're talking about using an act of violence against a child. A smack, no matter how gentle, no matter how well intentioned, is still an act of violence and depending on the disposition of the child it could be perceived in any number of ways and affect a child in a number of ways.

The isolation of the naughty step could cause psychological damage. What about shouting at a child? Equally violating? A different type of violence? Or have we simply not yet reached the point where violent criminals are found to have these methods of childhood discipline in common.

There are no such things as perfect parents or children. Or perfect research for that matter.

Person_one

What does hitting teach? (I refuse to use euphemisms like smacking or tapping.)

• The biggest, strongest person gets to decide what's right and wrong.
• Its ok to hit the people you love if you feel they have transgressed.

Anyone who could look at their tiny new baby and think "I love you, but one day I'm going to have to hit you", well, I just can't fathom that. I'm not a parent but I'm an aunt and the thought of any adult laying a finger on my nieces and nephews makes my blood boil, the thought of ever wanting to do it myself is just inconceivable. Luckily their parents feel the same way.

Two of the earliest most basic lessons we try to teach children are:

• Treat others as you would like to be treated
• Two wrongs don't make a right.

How does a parent hitting a child fit in with those two?

RadoJo

I'm always confused why people seem to confuse 'not smacking' with 'not disciplining' - a parent who doesn't smack isn't necessarily a soft tough, and a parent who smacks may not actually be instilling any discipline into their children beyond 'if you don't get what you want - hit'. There are many thoughtful ways to discipline a child, and if you can do it without resorting to even mild violence then you can also teach that smacking someone isn't the way to get what you want without having to tackle that separately from a position which may have been weakened by your previous actions.

milliebear00001

blue_monkey wrote: »

My daughter gets things confiscated but it still makes no difference to her behaviour, she learns nothing from it as far as I can see. I confiscated all of her sylvanians, soft toys and dolls for 4 months - she didn't even miss them after a week or so and just read books instead. Done the same with the DS and her not being allowed to watch TV and having to do chores. She finds something else to do, or she will enjoy the chores or she will have homework or a book to read - and then it is not a punishment. I simply cannot confiscate everything in the house, nor in her room, we just do not have the space and then she'll go and play with her brothers stuff instead anyway - who has behaved so I cannot remove those as well. I send her to her room she'll get a book from the book case and read that, I cannot remove all the books, I simply do not have the room as we have too many. I cannot lock her in her room else they'll be hell to pay for that too if someone finds out. I;ve stopped her going to Brownies and swimming and made her stay in her room. And still she did not care.

Only last week, sick of being spoken to like a piece of crap the entire time she got a smack on the leg. And actually, that DID work. And I smacked her because it was the summer holidays and she is not going to go and report me to her teacher. She was saying I smacked her so hard she could not walk (trust me, had it had been that hard she'd had not been able to walk) - how would that look to the school if she told them that? It felt that hard because I had never done it before. However, I have noticed a change and she has stopped screaming at me when she cannot get her own way so maybe it did work, that short, sharp shock was needed. I did not feel guilt because she overstepped the line - she was given several warnings and then she continued.

I've not smacked before but I think I may well do again now. However, not if it was a school day because of being pulled in that one time. She can make my life hell but I cannot punish her without it being questioned? it was embarrassing and humiliating. The teacher told me that I should be sending her a bid a little later than her brother and maybe she felt 'left out'. There is a year between them and they went to bed at 7.30 - they needed that sleep too so I felt I should not be sending her to bed later. Unfortunately we do not get people to help out with childcare so I do not get that break for them like other people do.

I'd like to send her to bed without tea as well but I could do without the hassle it would cause if she went to school and said I did not feed her in the evenings. She has had an untold number of early nights.

What works for some just does not work for others, if the naughty and withdrawing privilleges step works for you then great, however it does not work for my daughter at all. I've not had so much lip the last few days so hopefully the smack has given her something to think about for the future and I'll not have to do it again.

Do you really make your decisions about your family life based upon whether or not your daughter will tell lies to 'the authorities' about how you treat her? If that's really the case, then I'd say you have more to worry about than whether or not to smack - it's entirely dysfunctional for a young child to have that much power over a parent.

In terms of your daughter's school, I find it bizarre that they called you in to 'discuss' your disciplining of her. This is not their role, and is something that schools are specifically told NOT to do, in case they prejudice any later court proceedings. If a school has real concerns, they should be reporting thm directly to Social Services.

Torry_Quine

RadoJo wrote: »

I'm always confused why people seem to confuse 'not smacking' with 'not disciplining' - a parent who doesn't smack isn't necessarily a soft tough, and a parent who smacks may not actually be instilling any discipline into their children beyond 'if you don't get what you want - hit'. There are many thoughtful ways to discipline a child, and if you can do it without resorting to even mild violence then you can also teach that smacking someone isn't the way to get what you want without having to tackle that separately from a position which may have been weakened by your previous actions.

Some of the worst behaved children are the ones who are smacked regularly which would seem to bear this out. Often discipline is seen as what you do when something has gone wrong when it actually means to train someone up such as in a trade. Discipline should be seen as a positive thing rather than the negative it has become