Depression

gillette147

Hello folkes,

I have read the thread every day but haven't had a voice.
Hugs to you all.
xxx

Been busy trying to bag some casino money.
I don't enjoy it but I need the cash. I am 4/5th of the way to making £150.
I have another 3 hrs of playing blackjack to go (done 12hrs so far).
If I liked doing it then it wouldn't be a bad way of making £10per hour but I don't.

I have also been into London a few times shadowing the safety bloke. His job is a bit samey - he is being moved soonand I might have a shout for his job - but I don't think it would stretch me very much.

My tonsils are huge at the moment. I went to the doctors last wednesday and he said he was going to refer me to see a specialist - until I told him I'm not in BUPA any more - lol - then suddenly I'm only gargling with paracetamol for the next 8 weeks and "we'll see".
It made me laugh.

Anyway - it's back to the casino to finish off my shift.
Take care you gorgeous people.

xxx

Horasio

gillette147 wrote: »

Hello folkes,

I have read the thread every day but haven't had a voice.
Hugs to you all.
xxx

Been busy trying to bag some casino money.
I don't enjoy it but I need the cash. I am 4/5th of the way to making £150.
I have another 3 hrs of playing blackjack to go (done 12hrs so far).
If I liked doing it then it wouldn't be a bad way of making £10per hour but I don't.

I have also been into London a few times shadowing the safety bloke. His job is a bit samey - he is being moved soonand I might have a shout for his job - but I don't think it would stretch me very much.

My tonsils are huge at the moment. I went to the doctors last wednesday and he said he was going to refer me to see a specialist - until I told him I'm not in BUPA any more - lol - then suddenly I'm only gargling with paracetamol for the next 8 weeks and "we'll see".
It made me laugh.

Anyway - it's back to the casino to finish off my shift.
Take care you gorgeous people.

xxx

Good to hear from you - take care:)

Tiff_2

Hi lrs!
Glad to hear you're ok hun.
Didn't you say in your last post about important revision and then at the end of it, football match tonight lrs?
Let Tiffy help...

Lesson 1

+ :footie: + =


+

Not the best equation angel!:D :rolleyes:


quote=Let_Robinson_SingAs some of you many know, I am going on holiday:j. Sadly i dont think I will get to the internet much but if I do I will try and catch up with you and just make sure you are all doing OK. I know we all have our problems that get us down but at least we have
each other to talk to. You are all really fantastic people and have helped me along with things in the last couple of months. I am hoping this break will do some good :rolleyes:.
For you or us?:D Just joking angel.
You are so right lrs hun. I said in a post to beer that I think we've (the royal 'we') been very lucky to have found each other here. :T :A
Don't you worry about us angel.;) You go off to Croatia and enjoy yourself hun - we'll look out for you on the ten o'clock news!:eek:

Please behave yourself lrs - we'll have none of this, thank you! Or this!
No international incidents puhleez - don't you make us send ethel, our eu ambassador, over to sort you out! :rotfl:
Oh and don't get pregnant either!:D


TIFF - You are a fantastic person. You give so much time to everyone on here and I dont know how i can thank you for it.
Cheques payable to...:D :rotfl: Bless you, I get all the thanks I need from the help the kind people here give to me, angel. :A I don't think any of us here expect thanks hun.:T

Here's a picture of my beloved cat called Cleo. She came to us in August 1988 when she was just a kitten, she got hit by a car on the main road and ran into our garden. The guy who hit her got out of his car, picked her up and knocked on our door he asked if the cat was ours, my dad said no but we'll take her. But she is very sorely missed and I dont think i'll ever have a cat like her again.
No angel, each cat is unique. Cleo's lovely. At least you know she had a long and happy life with you all.;) Be reassured by the fact that you gave her a happy ever after story.:T

Anyway Please take care of yourselves over the next coming weeks. You are all REALLY special
Love you all
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You too hun. Have a fantastic time and relax ok?
Safe journey Alex.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Horasio

How does she do it? I feel really down just now

I spoke to my mum and she really depresses me - talking about things that bring me down, criticising me and I want to go and see her in two weeks - am I mad?

She wants me to live near her too - that would be my idea of hell. She is very strong and I feel dumb and stupid around her. OK I have made mistakes but don't we all, but things I can't control she gets at me for, like the cost of my council tax, she has this 'what a silly little girl for wanting that' manner about her and I feel so ugly and dumb around her. I feel tired today and whenever I feel tired I am 'got'.

I can see why people go onto drugs to keep away from a mood or feeling that scares them, feelings that make them vulnerable to the things they don't want to feel, or avoiding the vulnerability, why would I want to see such misery? It isn't useful to me feeling low.

She put down my OH about something that I thought he might do that will annoy me, which I have tackled him about. If I say anything, he will get huffy and I don't want anything to destroy the nice feeling I have just now, I really hate families, they are so depressing. Who said they are supportive and caring? The make me want to run away and live alone.

How do I stop feeling so stupid when I talk to her? OK I ask advice and that is fine, she is fine about that and fine with what she says but it's all the other depressing crap she brings up about families and things that I can't control. I feel she is ignorant and nasty, yet if I exhibit anything that resembles how she is, she puts me down, she puts me down if I feel positive, gets at me for being negative - I never feel right and I feel hideous just now.

She puts me off eating as well, anything that gives me pleasure, she will spoil - so as a child I didn't show I wanted anything and was made to feel an idiot for wanting anything nice. 'Waste of money' she would say and still does. So I have to hide anything nice so she doesn't spoil it, pretend I don't want it so it doesn't got ruined and nasty. I think that is where I get the 'eating noise' syndrome from, as when someone/thing spoils my eating, the noises become louder and it spoils the thing I am eating. I reckon I have an eating disorder as a result, as food is so nice and of course it makes me put on weight and of course my mother keeps on at me about my weight, my weight isn't that bad. I eat as a reward to getting thro the boring and depressing elements of life, the nice thing at the end of it. So if someone gets at you for being fat, it brings you down, and guess what I do when I feel down???

This is deep but good to write.

If anyone can give me a hug and some moral support, I would be grateful:)

Pumpkin_Pie_5

Hi all

Hope you're all OK?

Ethel hunny - that SUCKS big time. Hope things are OK for you now? Honestly people can be SO mean!

RBK love - Please please go back to your doctor over and over if you have to. Take care of yourself hunny

LRS - Top holiday hun!

CCStar - You are definitely not stupid. I know what you mean, even in my 30s I was my dad's "little girl who can't do anything properly - always having these madcap schemes..." I have no solution but I do have hugs - I hope you can break free.

Tiff - you are a star as always - Hugs

To all posters, lurkers and pop-inners - i have hugs for you all! Have a wonderful weekend and a joyous time

Much love

A Bouncing Pumpkin:j

rose07

I wish I had a broken leg, then people would at least see my pain

rose07

Let_Robinson_Sing wrote: »

As some of you many know, I am going on holiday:j. Sadly i dont think I will get to the internet much but if I do I will try and catch up with you and just make sure you are all doing OK. I know we all have our problems that get us down but at least we have each other to talk to. You are all really fantastic people and have helped me along with things in the last couple of months. I am hoping this break will do some good :rolleyes:.

ROSE - Hope things perk up for you over the coming weeks. And PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. *hugs*

Here's a picture of my beloved cat called Cleo. She came to us in August 1988 when she was just a kitten, she got hit by a car on the main road and ran into our garden. The guy who hit her got out of his car, picked her up and knocked on our door he asked if the cat was ours, my dad said no but we'll take her. A few days later he put up a sign in the post office saying there was a kitten found and if it is anyones then they had to give us a ring. Thankfully no-one did, so we believe she was a stray. She was a fabulous cat, she was sweet and friendly and one of the family. Sadly when she was 16 she had problems with her liver and went blind. She fought on bravely for another year but she sadly passed away in January 2005 aged 17. I am happy she died naturally and wasnt put down But she is very sorely missed and I dont think i'll ever have a cat like her again.

I still have loads of pictures of her around my house. I even put up some pictures of her at my desk in my old job:o


Anyway Please take care of yourselves over the next coming weeks. You are all REALLY special

Love you all


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Alex

Hun have a lovely time on holiday, where is it your going?

And dont woz about us we wil still be here when you get back

Your cat was lovely hun, pets are such special things, they love us and are such companions through life, speaking off which must find my one, think the last time i saw heer she had her head half way down a hole :rotfl:

really tho hun, you take care of yaself and just enjoy yaself

xxx

Tiff_2

Hi cc!I was just passing through. Sorry cc -you got me hun.:o
Hugs I can do angel.
Let's have a look and break this down hun.

quote=CCStar;4761334]How does she do it? I feel really down just now
I spoke to my mum and she really depresses me - talking about things that bring me down, criticising me and I want to go and see her in two weeks - am I mad?
Parents can be like that hun.:rolleyes: They're full of ideas and opinions, just as we are for our own child.:eek:

Some people just are not aware of the emotional damage they can cause, they just don't realise it, , and there are others who just don't care.

I loved my Dad cc. Many times he'd have me in tears, as a child and an adult, through something he said or did. I never felt I was good enough unless I was achieving something and all I ever wanted was my Dad to tell me he loved me and was proud of me. He did in the very late years after he knew that his friend had abused me as a child.
We became very close but he could still be a thoughtless man and gruff and hurtful and opinionated and loud, even though I adored him. I was always made to feel a little girl even when I hit 40.
The point of all this angel is that, regardless of how often he'd get it wrong or upset me, I'd give anything to have him back, to have my Dad here, with me, in any kind of mood. I'd do anything for that in a heartbeat. I wish, as millions do, that their loved ones were back, no matter what. They're gone soon enough hun and this time is so precious.
Tiffy all tearful here as you might expect so if parts don't make sense - tough!;)

She wants me to live near her too - that would be my idea of hell. She is very strong and I feel dumb and stupid around her. OK I have made mistakes but don't we all, but things I can't control she gets at me for, like the cost of my council tax, she has this 'what a silly little girl for wanting that' manner about her and I feel so ugly and dumb around her. I feel tired today and whenever I feel tired I am 'got'.
I can see why people go onto drugs to keep away from a mood or feeling that scares them, feelings that make them vulnerable to the things they don't want to feel, or avoiding the vulnerability, why would I want to see such misery? It isn't useful to me feeling low.
Yes cc, I understand. You know you are none of those things. Can you change your role hun and become an adult in her eyes? If she didn't love you, I don't think she'd want you anywhere near angel. For some people, including my Dad, this is the only way they know how to love. It was a lot different for them growing up.
You seem to be very angry hun and imho, I sense there's something you avoid or skirt around, that you 'don't want to feel' and deal with; something that feels too big. I don't think you'll like me suggesting counselling again, but I do hun.
Although you say it isn't useful to you feeling low angel, it's your mind's way of saying that this doesn't feel right and the more it's buried, the harder it is to control that voice. Just my opinion hun.:o

She put down my OH about something that I thought he might do that will annoy me, which I have tackled him about. If I say anything, he will get huffy and I don't want anything to destroy the nice feeling I have just now, I really hate families, they are so depressing. Who said they are supportive and caring? The make me want to run away and live alone.
It might be useful cc to find out what makes you flare and want to leave everyone. I know you're an intelligent woman hun but an outside perspective can help, when you think they can't.

How do I stop feeling so stupid when I talk to her? OK I ask advice and that is fine, she is fine about that and fine with what she says but it's all the other depressing crap she brings up about families and things that I can't control. I feel she is ignorant and nasty, yet if I exhibit anything that resembles how she is, she puts me down, she puts me down if I feel positive, gets at me for being negative - I never feel right and I feel hideous just now.
Angel, you obviously have deep issues. You love her enough to ask her opinion. I think you hit the nail on the head hun when you said about her bringing things up "that I can't control". A lot of anger comes from fear sweetheart.
I wish I could make a difference, say something to make it all better but it's your journey angel.
You're very sensitive cc. Parents do talk about families and problems angel - you're not on your own there. The issue seems to be how you feel hun because you're unhappy whichever way she seems to react sometimes.

She puts me off eating as well, anything that gives me pleasure, she will spoil - so as a child I didn't show I wanted anything and was made to feel an idiot for wanting anything nice. 'Waste of money' she would say and still does. So I have to hide anything nice so she doesn't spoil it, pretend I don't want it so it doesn't got ruined and nasty. I think that is where I get the 'eating noise' syndrome from, as when someone/thing spoils my eating, the noises become louder and it spoils the thing I am eating. I reckon I have an eating disorder as a result, as food is so nice and of course it makes me put on weight and of course my mother keeps on at me about my weight, my weight isn't that bad. I eat as a reward to getting thro the boring and depressing elements of life, the nice thing at the end of it. So if someone gets at you for being fat, it brings you down, and guess what I do when I feel down???
This is deep but good to write.
It is deep hun but you've done well explaining it. It can be really good to just rant and get it on paper and then later, review it, and maybe get a calmer insight sometimes.
This really does, imho, seem to be an issue of control angel and of not feeling loved enough. If you're in control, no-one can hurt you can they? Except cc, it's very stressful and impossible to remain in control all the time.
Maybe this is why you say you prefer to be alone so much? If no-one's around, they can't hurt you. I think you really want to be loved completely, but maybe you find it hard to let your guard down all the time hun just in case you get hurt some more?

If anyone can give me a hug and some moral support, I would be grateful:)
I hope I haven't come across as preaching angel, I'm not like that. Anything is worth trying if it means that your soul becomes free and happy and not in the shadow of anger and fear hun.
You know we're all here for you cc and I hope this hasn't made you feel worse. I'm just a Tiff - a professional can make a whole lot more sense hun.;)
I hope you'll feel better angel and I'll be thinking of you cc.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Horasio

Thank you Tiff, I needed to get it down

Things always get to me when I am tired - I am having to keep happy to cope with these viewings and it is constant cleaning and keeping happy. It is enough to turn you to bad habits such as overeating and drug taking - I don't take them but can see why people do to be the person they think they should be to be accepted and not hurt.

I do use food as a drug tho and feel if the atmosphere is wrong, then the food is wasted - I resent people who are the cause.

I am so tired and it is hard work keeping it up 7 days a week, you don't get a day off when you run a house. People who work 5 days a week can get a break from their jobs, OK they have the house on top to deal with but at least it is 7 days in the office! It is a change.

That is why I can't work and live with someone - I might be able to cope if I don't have tons of other people's stuff to deal with too after a hard day's work - a home where I don't have to be in the 'right mood' and be me sounds like heaven. I have to watch how I feel so much, as I am too vulnerable when I don't feel my best.

Horasio

Pumpkin_Pie wrote: »

Hi all

Hope you're all OK?

Ethel hunny - that SUCKS big time. Hope things are OK for you now? Honestly people can be SO mean!

RBK love - Please please go back to your doctor over and over if you have to. Take care of yourself hunny

LRS - Top holiday hun!

CCStar - You are definitely not stupid. I know what you mean, even in my 30s I was my dad's "little girl who can't do anything properly - always having these madcap schemes..." I have no solution but I do have hugs - I hope you can break free.

Tiff - you are a star as always - Hugs

To all posters, lurkers and pop-inners - i have hugs for you all! Have a wonderful weekend and a joyous time

Much love

A Bouncing Pumpkin:j

It always gets to me when I feel tired - I feel shattered today and got the person coming round for a second viewing tomorrow - so more getting in the right mood to cope.