Would you be happy with 1 child?

CH27

redhead122 wrote: »

Speaking from my personal situation, I knew from an early age that I wanted at least 2 children, I have an older brother, and my OH has a younger sister, I also had lots of cousins and close family friends, I have 2 nieces and a nephew and love being an aunt, In the last few years v close friends had babies and everyone commented what great parents me and OH would make.

2 just felt like the right number to us, and OH and I agreed that would make our family complete. We discussed long and hard our opinions on marriage and family and we luckily agreed

After a painful pregnancy, and difficult birth, in Jan 2011 our beautiful dd arrives. We settle into family life and I feel like I should have done this years ago and love being a mother.
At 3 weeks old we get the news that our beautiful baby girl has an inherited life threatening condition, as you can imagine our world falls apart.
I blame myself that I wanted this child so much and I've given her this horrible disease, of which there is no cure, telling immediate family is heart braking, and our life is now full of hospital appointments and further tests.
Cue 7 months later and she is thriving, and putting on weight and exceeding the doctors expectations, which I am beyond grateful for, and her illness is just part of everyday life.

But deep down inside I am desperate for another baby as I wanted them close together, but our next baby has a 1 in 4 chance of the same horrible illness, OH and I have talked that we could go down the Pre Genetic Diagnosis route to have an embryo screened, but there are financial costs involved, we can take a chance, conceive a baby, have amnio tests and hope our baby is healthy or have 2 children with this disease, or we decide to wait and see how dd is in a few years, and make a decision, but i'm 30 already and don't want to wait, but how would we cope if dd is in hosp and we have another child to care for, or would dd benefit from having a sibling, but how would we cope if they're both very sick.

It is so hard when you see healthy babies all around and I am jealous, but I know just how lucky we are to have our wonderful and beautiful dd.
But I can't explain it, call me selfish, but I always imagined having 2 children, Life is so cruel.

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do

My aunt & uncle in law have 2 mentally & physically disabled children & whilst they are a massive joy to know & are much loved the practicalities & difficulties for their parents are huge.

PM me if you want any info.

Pee

Person_one wrote: »

I think you need to recognise that not everybody has the capabilities to care for an older, adopted/fostered child with complex needs.

Its far far better that people realise this and don't attempt it than that they feel guilt tripped and shamed into trying and inflict yet more damage on the poor child.

Yes, its awful that so many older children aren't in loving homes, but that doesn't mean everyone should just go and pick one up, its not the ****ing dogs home! :mad:

So some people have the time and money and energy to deal with a baby who may or may not have complex needs as they grow up but do not have the capabilities to deal with an older adopted or fostered child with complex needs. Really? Shouldn't they be considering this before they give birth themselves...

dizziblonde

jw1096 wrote: »

So if you still think its completely ok for a woman who has a child to be angry that her OH has a child from a previous relationship, you go right ahead and think that. .

Everyone's got the right to feel what they feel. I ain't going to knock anyone who's got the balls to stand up there and admit they're feeling anything less than shiny happy souper douper.

And, apart from the fact that I point blank have the rule I'd never go after a guy with kids because whatever you do as the other woman in that situation is always guaranteed to be wrong by virtue of your mere existence, yes, if I was in that situation - I'd probably, silently in the middle of the night feel incredibly angry and jealous. Not at the child, not at anyone in particular - just at the whole situation.

I just don't get off on lying about it and making people feel crud because they dare think these things.

mishkanorman

I can relate to the OP, for me Its a third child not a second but all the feelings seem to be the same. My OH (thankfully if thats the right word) agreed that we would try for another child, we talked about it once and he voiced an opinion that the 2 boys we have would have been enough for him. When i asked why we were trying again if thats how he felt he replied that even though he could see many reasons why we shouldnt he could see what it meant to me, it wasnt a fad or passing craze, it was something I wanted with all my heart. He couldnt be the one to say that could never happen so he put his feelings to one side.

OP, no words of advice on how to get him to change his mind, lets all be honest in saying thats not really what you need. I would just say, share the severity of it with him, we only get one life and I sure as hell dont want to be looking back wishing I'd been a bit braver or fought my corner a bit more.
Is it a deal breaker ?

Rebecca01

dizziblonde wrote: »

Everyone's got the right to feel what they feel. I ain't going to knock anyone who's got the balls to stand up there and admit they're feeling anything less than shiny happy souper douper.

And, apart from the fact that I point blank have the rule I'd never go after a guy with kids because whatever you do as the other woman in that situation is always guaranteed to be wrong by virtue of your mere existence, yes, if I was in that situation - I'd probably, silently in the middle of the night feel incredibly angry and jealous. Not at the child, not at anyone in particular - just at the whole situation.

I just don't get off on lying about it and making people feel crud because they dare think these things.

Dizzy as I said at the start of the thread you have given me food for thought, alot of it. However going for a guy with kids doesn't mean you will always be wrong. My partner has two kids with his ex and I can tell you it's the ex that's in the wrong and not me. Don't let the fact a man has kids put you off it can be ok.

Person_one

Pee wrote: »

So some people have the time and money and energy to deal with a baby who may or may not have complex needs as they grow up but do not have the capabilities to deal with an older adopted or fostered child with complex needs. Really? Shouldn't they be considering this before they give birth themselves...

Of course they should consider it, but why do you think those children end up in foster care in the first place...

mum2one

I'm an only child, as my parents lost their 1st daughter to cancer when she was 18 mths old, they were told they couldn't have any more children, but 2 yrs later I popped along, from being an onl child, I never missed not having someone there, sometimes I would guess I got on better with adults than other children, but part of that could be put down to our families circumstances.

Myself at 25, I was told it would be very unlikely I'd have children, health conditions, 2 bad car accidents followed, at 29, I then had treatment for precancerous cells, again children were a doubt it, so I guess i resigned myself to not having children, as I'd miscarried 5 times, I really didn't hold out hope. But miracles happen at 30, I fell pregnant with DD, thou i had only been in the relationship 2 months, but part of me didn't hold out hope as with all the pre-existing sagas, we use to say we wanted 2 children, he had a brother, his parents were Irish, big families, the relationship wasn't to be, but I have a gorgeous daughter who will be 9 next month, theres always part of me that wanted a 2nd child, as I didn't want her to be an only child, but health wise, when I was expecting dd I had a 50/50 chance of being left in a wheelchair permanetly becuase of the damage from the accident, but it sounds daft, the longer I got through the pregnancy I knew she was a miracle, I did end up in a wheelchair but for 6 months, thou i've been registered disabled and on crutches for 9 yrs...
Yes part of me would have loved a 2nd child, but I couldn't risk my health, and there was no partner,I hit 40 in March, I took DD to Dom Rep, it was the best time of my life, I knew then the I want another baby was just that an I want... maybe triggered by I was scared i'd lose her, she'd end up making mistakes I'd made, but shes her own person, and I'm blessed to have her.

Each person is unique in their reasoning, but if ou do feel that strongly you really need to talk to your OH, but you may not like the answers, he may be insistant with one child, worst case scenerio yoiu'd be a single mum to 2 kids, I'm not saying thats right or wrong only you know that one. xx

Unsure44

Thank you once again for all the replies.

They have opened my eyes alot and I'm sorry if this thread has upset anyone, that was not my intention

I will be discussing it again with my OH but I get the feeling I know the answer but I will accept it. I'm not the sort of person who could or would 'trick' my OH into another child against his will, its not even possible as he tends to control the contraception! but I would feel forever guilty if I did that even if it worked out well in the end.

I am very blessed to have my daughter and she is very much loved. I just feel the need for another child but if it wasn't possible then it wouldn't change my love for her.

I hope my OH changes his mind one day but if he doesn't then I will have to respect his decision as I wouldn't want children with anyone else.

scooterpig

I would not be happy with one child - because for me life as I know it would be over. To me, even one is too many. Young children, especially babies, and toddlers, bore me rigid. They only get interesting once they're much older (about 10).

I'm fortunate that I don't tend to get the whole 'when are you having kids' thing from most people, probably because hubby and I have been fairly open about not wanting kids right from the start. As an aside, I was also advised against pregnancy for medical reasons a couple of years ago, which I generally haven't told people about, because I don't want sympathy and because I don't want them to think my not wanting kids is just being in denial because of my medical history. The not wanting kids predated my medical problems by about 15 years! We're now in our mid-30s and at an interesting stage of our lives, I would not want to throw that away by reproducing.

rosepetal_2

This is such an interesting thread, because there are no right answers.

Everyone is an individual, their childhood was different to everyone else's (whether they had siblings or not) their parents experience of how happy they were with the number of children they had may be different to that of their children.

The thing is we cannot ever experience the alternative options we can only lead the life we have, you cannot magic up more children just as you can't magic them away.

The only thing I believe is that both adults in a couple must agree to become parents to each child they have/want to have. I understand that this means that many times people don't agree, and depending on how strongly each person feels about their own situation, sometimes one person will be more laid back than the other, sometimes both will have strong viewpoints. Because of my one belief, the only solution I believe is counselling or discussion, not to come to a compromise, but to a livable understanding of each others views.

As for the extended issues raised on those who are childless by choice and those who are childless but not by choice I believe their views are equally valid to those who already have children. No-one should deride their opinions, experiences or feelings, but also we shouldn't avoid conversation and even debate in fear of upsetting others (of course we should never aim to upset others) whatever their life is like. I understand that the society we live in does treat and depict people with children and those without in certain ways, and often I feel that these expectations and social norms can be incredibly, rude, hurtful and thoughtless. It would be better if certain issues weren't so taboo, or certain everyday things so readily accepted, but societies are so very complex.

There are no right or wrong opinions on family sizes, each couple has to decide for themselves what they believe their ideal a family to be, and also what they believe their acceptable family to be if the 2 things aren't the same.

Nothing is guaranteed in life, siblings may or may not get along, be healthy or ill, live long happy lives or not, same as parents.

All any couple considering have a child can do is be honest, open and understanding of each other but most importantly accepting.