DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

DreamerHelen

Thanks Dragon hun...I really appreciate your thoughts...and I know it will take time....but I'm determined to get through it somehow...someway I will make it better and I will live.

Today I'm freezing cold....I have the heating on but for some reason I'm still feeling really cold....Just huddled under my duvet at the moment....

Not much else to Report at the moment....I'm going to Update my Totals for my Goals for next Year - I've made a headstart on some of them...

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THE STUFF OF DREAMS 2013

Sealed Pot 2013

So I want to have enough money to pay for Christmas 2013 without having to borrow anything. This Challenge is mostly going to come from what I have left in my purse after shopping.

£13.27 so far

£2 Savers

I would love love love a short Holiday somewhere exotic like Morocco in Jan/Feb 2014 and so I want to save up for this. I will be saving an extra £2 each day from my Wages and so my Target for next Year is £750

£2/£750 (Made A Start!!)

20p Savers

I used to go to Paris every Christmas but haven't been able to do it for many many Christmas's and so next Year I would love to go to Paris for a couple of days over the Christmas Period.

£0/£365

BBB

You can google this if you want to know what it is, it's a little risque so I won't mention it here...but I really wanted to go this Year but after what happened I didn't have the heart to go and couldn't afford it. But next Year I really really want to go and take a bit of spending money with me!!

£0/£500

Zoo Season Tickets

I used to Work at SeaWorld in Florida and I obviously can't go back there cause I can't afford it...so the nearest I can get is London Zoo and Colchester Zoo...so I want to get Season Tickets for both of those so I can go whenever I like.

£10/£150

£365 in 365 Days

I want to participate in this Challenge again next Year. I want to use it for the following:

1) 2 Tickets to the Wam Bam Burlesque Club
2) Beauty and the Beast DVD
3) 2 Theatre Trips

£0/£365

College Fees

So my College Fees for 2013 are taken care of but my Fourth Year in 2014 needs to paid for so that's what I'm saving up for out of my Wages.

£0/£4500

Pay Off As Much As You Can 2013 (POAMAYC)

So I want to pay my Debt off before I'm 40 which gives me 5 Years. I'm not currently sure how much I owe so that's my Goal for December to figure out how much I owe and then split it into 5 and pay everything off before I'm 40.

£TBC

DreamerHelen

So things have been very difficult for me over the past Week....

I have ZERO Motivation to Work or do things for the Course...It's like I just want to hibernate until all the bad stuff goes away....But the trouble is that it never goes away...

I just feel like it's never going to get any better....Like I'm going to feel this way forever....Is that true? Is it ever going to get better? Will I ever truly feel like ME again?

That's what scares me the most...that I will never feel like me again....That I'll always be the girl who was raped...I'll never just be "Helen" again...and that's scary...

But I just have to stay as positive as I can do...and that's all I can do for now...

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THE STUFF OF DREAMS 2013

Sealed Pot 2013

So I want to have enough money to pay for Christmas 2013 without having to borrow anything. This Challenge is mostly going to come from what I have left in my purse after shopping.

£13.89 so far

£2 Savers

I would love love love a short Holiday somewhere exotic like Morocco in Jan/Feb 2014 and so I want to save up for this. I will be saving an extra £2 each day from my Wages and so my Target for next Year is £750

£4/£750 (Made A Start!!)

20p Savers

I used to go to Paris every Christmas but haven't been able to do it for many many Christmas's and so next Year I would love to go to Paris for a couple of days over the Christmas Period.

£0/£365

BBB

You can google this if you want to know what it is, it's a little risque so I won't mention it here...but I really wanted to go this Year but after what happened I didn't have the heart to go and couldn't afford it. But next Year I really really want to go and take a bit of spending money with me!!

£0/£500

Zoo Season Tickets

I used to Work at SeaWorld in Florida and I obviously can't go back there cause I can't afford it...so the nearest I can get is London Zoo and Colchester Zoo...so I want to get Season Tickets for both of those so I can go whenever I like.

£0/£150

£365 in 365 Days

I want to participate in this Challenge again next Year. I want to use it for the following:

1) 2 Tickets to the Wam Bam Burlesque Club
2) Beauty and the Beast DVD
3) 2 Theatre Trips

£0/£365

College Fees

So my College Fees for 2013 are taken care of but my Fourth Year in 2014 needs to paid for so that's what I'm saving up for out of my Wages.

£0/£4500

Pay Off As Much As You Can 2013 (POAMAYC)

So I want to pay my Debt off before I'm 40 which gives me 5 Years. I'm not currently sure how much I owe so that's my Goal for December to figure out how much I owe and then split it into 5 and pay everything off before I'm 40.

TBC

DreamerHelen

Hey Everyone....I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas....And that you all enjoyed yourself...

I had a lovely Christmas...spending time with Family....and got some lovely Christmas Presents....I've been very lucky this Year!!

Things are going much better for me at the moment....I feel much more in control of my emotions at the moment....So although of course I'll never forget what happened, it feels like I can manage to manage it at the moment...if that makes sense!?!?!?!

I've been trying to Work harder and Work to my full potential over the past couple of Weeks....sometimes I manage it, sometimes I don't....and I think that's just the way it will be for me....I have to do as much as I can manage and look after myself when I can't manage....

So yes, things have been much better....which is great.

I'm not doing anything for New Year's Eve....I like to stay at home and write in my Journal about what I've experienced this Year and what I hope to achieve for the Year ahead....and then I'll probably be Working for the rest of the Night until New Year's Day when I'll go over to my Mum's for a Roast Dinner...

So that's the Update....Hope everyone is well....

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THE STUFF OF DREAMS 2013

Sealed Pot 2013

So I want to have enough money to pay for Christmas 2013 without having to borrow anything. This Challenge is mostly going to come from what I have left in my purse after shopping.

£10.83 so far - Doing Well!!

£2 Savers

I would love love love a short Holiday somewhere exotic like Morocco in Jan/Feb 2014 and so I want to save up for this. I will be saving an extra £2 each day from my Wages and so my Target for next Year is £750

£18/£750 (Made A GREAT Start!!)

20p Savers

I used to go to Paris every Christmas but haven't been able to do it for many many Christmas's and so next Year I would love to go to Paris for a couple of days over the Christmas Period.

£8.40/£365

BBB

You can google this if you want to know what it is, it's a little risque so I won't mention it here...but I really wanted to go this Year but after what happened I didn't have the heart to go and couldn't afford it. But next Year I really really want to go and take a bit of spending money with me!!

£0/£500

Zoo Season Tickets

I used to Work at SeaWorld in Florida and I obviously can't go back there cause I can't afford it...so the nearest I can get is London Zoo and Colchester Zoo...so I want to get Season Tickets for both of those so I can go whenever I like.

£0/£150

£365 in 365 Days

I want to participate in this Challenge again next Year. I want to use it for the following:

1) 2 Tickets to the Wam Bam Burlesque Club
2) Beauty and the Beast DVD
3) 2 Theatre Trips

£0/£365

Pay Off As Much As You Can 2013 (POAMAYC)

So I want to pay my Debt off before I'm 40 which gives me 5 Years. I'm not currently sure how much I owe so that's my Goal for December to figure out how much I owe and then split it into 5 and pay everything off before I'm 40.

£0/£6000

The_Dragon

Good to see you posting (and sounding more cheerful as well!), and :j:j:j to making a start on your savings etc even before 2013 kicks off

DreamerHelen

The_Dragon wrote: »

Good to see you posting (and sounding more cheerful as well!), and :j:j:j to making a start on your savings etc even before 2013 kicks off

Thanks hun....yes I AM feeling a bit more cheerful....Not sure what will happen in a few Weeks when the Trial starts...I'm hoping he will plead guilty but I think that's unlikely...but I guess we'll see...

Thanks for popping in and saying "Hello"...you're always welcome in my Diary

DreamerHelen

Well, it's a New Year....but not a great start to it I'm afraid...

Over the past few days I've been having major anxiety attacks and flashbacks....I think it's because the day that my attacker has to go to Court to declare whether he's pleading guilty or not guilty is fast approaching...It's the 21st January which also happens to be my birthday!!

So I'm rather stressed out at the moment....What if he pleads not guilty and then gets let off? What if he comes back to finish me off? I really can't afford to move so I'm stuck here for a while....But I guess I can't allow myself to think like that....even though I can't help it!!

Saving is going really really well though...and I've managed to save over £50 with all my Challenges combined...so that's amazing to me and I'm really proud of myself for that...I've never managed to save ANYTHING before....so, really pleased.

I'm not going back to College for a few weeks yet...but am looking forward to going back...the sooner I can finish this College Course then the sooner I can stop working on Chatlines and start my Life properly....if that makes sense....

Anyway...so that's what has been going on with me lately...

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THE STUFF OF DREAMS 2013

Sealed Pot 2013

So I want to have enough money to pay for Christmas 2013 without having to borrow anything. This Challenge is mostly going to come from what I have left in my purse after shopping.

£23.19 so far - Doing Well!!

£2 Savers

I would love love love a short Holiday somewhere exotic like Morocco in Jan/Feb 2014 and so I want to save up for this. I will be saving an extra £2 each day from my Wages and so my Target for next Year is £750

£28/£750 (Made A GREAT Start!!)

20p Savers

I used to go to Paris every Christmas but haven't been able to do it for many many Christmas's and so next Year I would love to go to Paris for a couple of days over the Christmas Period.

£9/£365

BBB

You can google this if you want to know what it is, it's a little risque so I won't mention it here...but I really wanted to go this Year but after what happened I didn't have the heart to go and couldn't afford it. But next Year I really really want to go and take a bit of spending money with me!!

£0/£500

Zoo Season Tickets

I used to Work at SeaWorld in Florida and I obviously can't go back there cause I can't afford it...so the nearest I can get is London Zoo and Colchester Zoo...so I want to get Season Tickets for both of those so I can go whenever I like.

£0/£150

£365 in 365 Days

I want to participate in this Challenge again next Year. I want to use it for the following:

1) 2 Tickets to the Wam Bam Burlesque Club
2) Beauty and the Beast DVD
3) 2 Theatre Trips

£0/£365

Pay Off As Much As You Can 2013 (POAMAYC)

So I want to pay my Debt off before I'm 40 which gives me 5 Years. I'm not currently sure how much I owe so that's my Goal for December to figure out how much I owe and then split it into 5 and pay everything off before I'm 40.

£0/£6000

The_Dragon

and breathe Helen, it will be Hades until the court case is done (and if the bar steward goes down the not guilty route then there will be more court hearings ), you are strong, you are a much better person than that toe-rag and we are behind you all the way!

DreamerHelen

The_Dragon wrote: »

and breathe Helen, it will be Hades until the court case is done (and if the bar steward goes down the not guilty route then there will be more court hearings ), you are strong, you are a much better person than that toe-rag and we are behind you all the way!

Thank you hun....I'm just hoping that he pleads guilty....The Police said that the evidence against him is overwhelming and if he pleads guilty then he will get some time knocked off his Sentence...which would be better for him...so I hope he does the sensible thing!!

I'm really struggling with the whole motivation thing at the moment....I know I have to just keep going but I'm really struggling....

I just have to survive this and move on and become a stronger and better person for it....If that makes sense....Just not sure how to do that at the moment.

Still, I'm saving which I'm really really proud about!! So that's good for me....And it's making me feel good...which is the only thing I feel good about at the moment....

So that's where I'm at....getting there very slowly...

The_Dragon

Just checking to see how you are (and hope that Monday was more you and your birthday than the toe rag and court)

DreamerHelen

Thank You Dragon hun...I'm sorry it has taken me this long to reply but things have been difficult....

However, I feel there has finally been a shift in my thinking and my way of being....if that doesn't sound too arty-farty...

My Birthday was pretty crappy if I'm honest....I spent most of it completely freaking out that my Attacker would be given Bail....thankfully he wasn't but he DID plead "not guilty" which means there will be a Trial in mid-april and I will be called to give evidence...

The Police seem to think that my Case is very strong but who knows what will happen at the Trial and whether or not I will be believed by the Jury....I can only hope.

So last Week was very difficult and if I'm honest I spent most of it wallowing in self-pity...

But somehow there has been a shift at the Weekend and I now feel much more positive and able to live my Life the way I want to live it...

I have decided that at the end of my Training I want to go to the USA for about 6 weeks...so that will be November/December 2014 (I hope!!) and that seems to be keeping me going at the moment....something to aim for although I need to start saving up for that from now really...so that's positive...

My feelings towards Work are slowly changing and I'm realising that if I want to get everything I want then I need to Work for it....and so I'm making changes to make sure that I can do the amount of Work that I need to do....

So, all in all last Week was not good but this Week is looking GREAT....So, a positve thing I think...

I'll update my Totals at some point this Week....not much to Report there but I am planning to make that change very soon...