DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

DreamerHelen

Thanks Maz Hun....It means a lot that everyone is popping in to give me encouragement....

I think I'm feeling a bit numb this morning....Not good, Not bad...just numb....

I am going out for some food shopping and then going to snuggle up for a while...and then do some Work...I think that's the best that I can do today...

The_Dragon

Have you phoned the centre? and also have you phoned victim support? they were very good for me when I was attacked.

DreamerHelen

The_Dragon wrote: »

Have you phoned the centre? and also have you phoned victim support? they were very good for me when I was attacked.

Well at the moment I'm working with the Rape Crisis people AND The Haven which is a Rape Crisis Centre that offers Counselling and Support....

I think I'm coming down with a Cold or a Virus....I feel really crappy....and I slept all afternoon...Which was good...But I can barely breathe now and my Throat hurts... God, it doesn't rain but it pours!!

Never mind...I'll be okay....

I was chatting to my Mum via Email....she's a Psychotherapist...and she says that feeling numb is my body's way to protect against the trauma that I have experienced...and slowly the feelings will return but not so much that I'm overwhelmed by them...So I guess that's good...

I have a busy rest of the Week...I have my Placements for College both tomorrow and Friday....and then I'm off to see my Mum and Grandparents Saturday Afternoon and Evening...but at least I can have Sunday to myself...although I'll be Working for most of it....

I just have to keep going....Which I guess I can do...

The_Dragon

The cold/virus/bug thing is probably because your whole system is in shock and so the annoying little beggars have set up shop. Drink plenty of warm fluids, wrap up warm, speak in a husky voice and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

DreamerHelen

The_Dragon wrote: »

The cold/virus/bug thing is probably because your whole system is in shock and so the annoying little beggars have set up shop. Drink plenty of warm fluids, wrap up warm, speak in a husky voice and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

I think you could be right....I think my body has finally caught up to the fact that I've faced a huge trauma and survived it...But I think that's where the numb feelings (or non-feelings) are coming from and probably why I've got this cold/fluey thing...If that makes any sense whatsoever.

So I've decided to take it easy for the rest of this Week...I HAVE to work but I think I'll Work in blocks of 2 hours and rest for 2 hours...if that makes sense....that way I can rest in between Work....

I've cancelled my Placements for today and tomorrow....I just can't get on a Train or a Bus....I think I would probably pass out like I did on Tuesday and I really really don't want that to happen....

I've survived the rape....I'm sure I can survive this cold/fluey thing as well....I'll get there slowly...

I was lying in bed last night thinking that I will NOT let him win...That I'll survive this at ANY cost....I'm going to LIVE...

DreamerHelen

Hey Everyone....

Sorry I haven't posted lately....I've had a rotten cold and I just needed to hibernate....I cancelled my two Placements and just spent the Weekend trying to Work a little but just trying to feel better....

I'm sat here wondering if there is ANY possibility that I might be able to afford a Trip to Orlando next Year....Probably not....But it's nice to dream.....It's just that I feel that is my true spiritual home (if that doesn't sound too corny)....And I am absolutely CRAVING a Trip there....even just for a Week....But maybe I need to be realistic as well....I'm not sure....Think I need to mull it over for a little while....

I'm finishing with my Therapist on Tuesday....I just can't afford her anymore....so I'm taking some time out from Therapy and I'm going to get Free Counselling with the Rape Crisis people...That should help...and will also help my Finances a little bit since I have been paying £55 per week for my Therapist and I just can't afford it anymore.

The Memories of the Rape have been coming thick and fast today and I've barely moved from my bed again...I thought I was over the fear of being alone in my Flat but apparently not...and I guess that will take time for me to really feel safe here...if I ever do....

I'm Working tonight from Midnight until 8am and I want to make a really good start on this Week's Target....I HAVE to make this Job work for me....I just have to....I simply cannot give up on my Dreams for the Future....

maz1964

hi helen

sorry not been on line past few days,, hope you get to feel better soon

dont ever give up on your dreams,,,it will keep you going ,,,, i promise.

im glad you still continuing with the councelling that in itself is part of you getting stronger and getting back to a much better position for you and you only.

im off to do some work that i wish to email on tonight and get it towards earning a bit more money in the new year,,,

so keep warm and take it easy,,

ciao MAZ x:p

Buffythedebtslayer

I dream about Orlando too!

Just dropping by to say hi and see how you are you doing

xxxx

DreamerHelen

Morning Everyone...And a special Hello to Buffy and to Maz....Thanks for popping in and checking on me...

Well I WAS doing okay....until I had a terrible nightmare that I woke up from about half an hour ago....It was awful and involved me being raped all over again....Horrible

So I Emailed the Rape Crisis people...they are not there right now but it helps to have someone to Email when things are difficult and they will get back to me when they are open...

I had my last Therapy Session last Night and that went really really well....my Mum gave me the money to give her to pay off my Debt with her...which was AMAZING of my Mum....and that means I won't be paying her off for the next 6 months...so that has saved me an awful lot of debt that I had run up with her in missed Fee's....so I'm incredibly grateful to my Mum for that....so that IS some good news....

I seem to be sleeping an awful lot these days....Not sure why....Perhaps it's my body's way of telling me to slow down..and I'm trying to slow down....but it's not always easy to do that when I have to hold down a Job as well...but I'm sure I'll get there....

Feeling quite positive about the Challenges for next Year...I'm also thinking about trying to lose some weight although I have been trying that for Years and it always frightens me...Not sure why...but I would LOVE to lose just a little bit of weight...I dont' want to be skinny...I have never wanted that...but maybe a size 16-18 would be perfect for me...right now I'm at about a size 28-30 - So quite a way to go....Has anyone heard of the Dukan Diet? My Mum did it and lost 4 stone on it and she looks fantastic....Just not sure if I can stick to such a strict Diet....Perhaps I should stick to Slimming World....but I'm not sure at the moment...We'll see...

Work is pretty Dire at the moment....It's sooooooooo quiet!!! I've earned 50p in half an hour this morning....so it's not great...Let's hope it picks up nearer to Christmas....

So that's me....Half feeling crappy and half feeling positive...I guess that's the best I can hope for right now and I'll take it!!

The_Dragon

It will take a while DreamerHelen, 15 years on and I still occasionally get flashbacks when stressed (sorry!), you are doing the right things and NOT letting the !!!!!! control your life.