DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

DreamerHelen

Okay so I know I said I would declare my Challenges for next Year in December but I wanted to declare them now as I have them figured out already

So today has been nice and relaxing....and it has been lovely....

It's now 5am and I'm up Working...I want to make £37 before I quit and so far I'm on a fiver...so a little way to go...

I'm doing okay this morning....Feeling quite positive and thats good....Hopefully the Week ahead will be a good one...

Chat to you all soon

Love and Hugs

Helen xXx

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THE STUFF OF DREAMS 2013

Sealed Pot 2013

So I want to have enough money to pay for Christmas 2013 without having to borrow anything. This Challenge is mostly going to come from what I have left in my purse after shopping.

£8 so far

£2 Savers

I would love love love a short Holiday somewhere exotic like Morocco in Jan/Feb 2014 and so I want to save up for this. I will be saving an extra £2 each day from my Wages and so my Target for next Year is £750

£0/£750

20p Savers

I used to go to Paris every Christmas but haven't been able to do it for many many Christmas's and so next Year I would love to go to Paris for a couple of days over the Christmas Period.

£0/£365

BBB

You can google this if you want to know what it is, it's a little risque so I won't mention it here...but I really wanted to go this Year but after what happened I didn't have the heart to go and couldn't afford it. But next Year I really really want to go and take a bit of spending money with me!!

£0/£500

Zoo Season Tickets

I used to Work at SeaWorld in Florida and I obviously can't go back there cause I can't afford it...so the nearest I can get is London Zoo and Colchester Zoo...so I want to get Season Tickets for both of those so I can go whenever I like.

£0/£150

£365 in 365 Days

I want to participate in this Challenge again next Year. I want to use it for the following:

1) 2 Tickets to the Wam Bam Burlesque Club
2) Beauty and the Beast DVD
3) 2 Theatre Trips

£0/£365

College Fees

So my College Fees for 2013 are taken care of but my Fourth Year in 2014 needs to paid for so that's what I'm saving up for out of my Wages.

£0/£4500

Pay Off As Much As You Can 2013 (POAMAYC)

So I want to pay my Debt off before I'm 40 which gives me 5 Years. I'm not currently sure how much I owe so that's my Goal for December to figure out how much I owe and then split it into 5 and pay everything off before I'm 40.

£TBC

The_Dragon

Looks like you have some good plans there, I like the fact that you have some debt busting, some future work plans and some fun all included!

welshdreamer71

Hiyas lovely x its really sad to say and read that your not alone, and you will get thru the hurt anger and heartbreak, im stronger(most if the time) and finally feel safe with strangers again, but moving on to nicer things Paris Christmas time sounds gorgeous n Morocco even more so ! Il no doubt see you around the boards good luck getting all your figures together ready for your challenges x

DreamerHelen

The_Dragon wrote: »

Looks like you have some good plans there, I like the fact that you have some debt busting, some future work plans and some fun all included!

Thanks Dragon Hun....I know some people might not agree but I don't want my entire Life to be about paying back my Debt, I need to have some good stuff to save up for as well...

welshdreamer71 wrote: »

Hiyas lovely x its really sad to say and read that your not alone, and you will get thru the hurt anger and heartbreak, im stronger(most if the time) and finally feel safe with strangers again, but moving on to nicer things Paris Christmas time sounds gorgeous n Morocco even more so ! Il no doubt see you around the boards good luck getting all your figures together ready for your challenges x

Thanks for joining in with my Diary hun....It's nice to have you here...and yes, Paris at Christmas is AMAZING!! Cold but amazing And I haven't been to Morocco but I have been wanting to go for AGES...so I'm damn well gonna go...LoL....

Feeling okay this morning...Didn't quite make my Target with Work but I made a good start so I feel good about that...

Going to do a bit of shopping (food) later on and then come home and watch a Movie and get a bit of sleep and then start Work all over again...

welshdreamer71

Wow, iv just read your diary from the beginning and its like reading a blog iv wrote myself !

From having a dental phobia to having the gastric problems, the almost self loathing iv even looked into the chatlines serioysly, but had kids so wasn't practical really, and the rejoining slimming world like a yoyo lol well it does get better I'm walking proof of it....slimming worlds is my saviour my whole mood is focussed on weightloss selfworth, selfhatred, iv stuck at it and lost 7 out of 16 stone I need to but if im in control of that part of my life it seems the rest slides in too o for a magic wand for us wannabee slimmer girls eh x

welshdreamer71

Ps what's for tea and what movie u watching lol x

DreamerHelen

Hey Welshdreamer....

Things change continuously for me....My Emotions are all over the Place....I had a conversation with someone that I've had an on/off thing with for the past 18 months and he has said that he has decided that he wants to be "just friends"....that hurts...but it feels like yet another loss that I have had to deal with....

I wasn't "sexually assaulted", I was raped....I think I was just prettying it up for you guys....and I can't do that anymore...I can't make it "all okay" for everyone in my Life....I just have to be honest about how I'm feeling...problem is that I dont always know how I feel....as I said, my emotions are all over the place...

Sorry....just feeling in a bit of a spiral downwards at the moment....

I'm not even wanting sex right now but it has always been really important to me to have a really good sex life and now I feel that it has been taken from me because I can no longer have sex with this Guy that it has been on/off with and I won't trust anyone new because they might hurt me....So it feels like my trust and my sex life has been stolen from me by this awful horrible man....and although you all probably think that should be the last thing on my mind, it's really important to me to have that intimacy in my Life....but right now it feels like it's gone forever...and that's hard...

I've been sat here this morning in tears...trying to make sense of what I'm feeling...and really what I'm feeling the most is confused and scared....and I don't know what to do with that...

I need to go out to do some food shopping but I can't bring myself to leave my Flat...I can't even bring myself to go to the Bathroom to pee because my bed feels like the safest place right now...

Sorry...I'm going on and on...Just need to talk right now I guess...You don't have to read...sometimes I just need to ramble a bit...

And in answer to your Question Welshdreamer...I'm going to have a couple of sandwiches, some pasta salad, crisps, chocolate and a couple of bottles of Dr Pepper...Not healthy at all but right now I don't have the energy to be healthy...And I'm going to watch "Breaking Dawn Pt 1", one of the Twilight Movies...

I'd like to get back into Slimming World but it just feels too hard right now...but well done on your Weight Loss...that's amazing...

In fact....EVERYTHING just feels too hard right now...EVERYTHING...:(

If anyone has gotten this far....thank you for reading...

maz1964

Hi Helen

i hope you get to feel a bit better soon, if you want to take things easy today do that and do what makes you feel what you need to do,,, i cannot as a women imagine wholly what you are still going through and what you went through but you do sound like a strong cookie,

i wont bore you with cliches,,, but hey just subbed to your thread and i promise to look in on you and hopefully give you some online support even by saying hiyaaaaa gal,,, hows things today?

and i promise i wont get bored even if you say you are just vegging out,,,,, thats okay,,,,

so take it easy and keep your pecker up gal,,,,me for my sins ive got my depression under control but its not a justification in anyway in trying to compare your ordeal with my probs because its yards apart but the emotional pain i can relate a little with

just keep coming back here however you feel,

you are amongst people who care

ciao for now maz x:cool:

DreamerHelen

Thank You Maz...that means a lot to me....

I feel like I'm finally being real, with myself and with other people....I can't make it all better for everyone...right now I have to concentrate on ME...and if that's selfish then so be it...

I managed to leave my bed to go Pee....that's the first step...I'm not sure I can leave my Flat today....maybe I leave that for another day and just relax in my Flat for today....

I feel almost like I'm suffocating....like I can't really breathe....I can't breathe through what I'm feeling....

I HAVE to continue to Work but I'm managing to take this Afternoon off and I'm not Working until 9pm tonight, so that's a positive...

I know that I'll get there in the end....but right now these feelings, these flashbacks, these nightmares, these anxiety attacks - They feel all too real and too scary....

kiss_me_now9

Hi Helen,

I didn't want to read and run - I've just read through your whole diary (instead of doing my own uni essay, whoops ) and I wanted to offer some virtual hugs *hugs* Take time for yourself, you need to heal and unfortunately it's not going to be a quick process, but time will help you learn to be confident and able to love another again.

One thing I've noticed from your diary is that you're so positive and have overcome so much already in your life.

I was pulled in by your thread title, my Dad's in the RAF and it's a beautiful motto. The stars will always shine and be waiting for you.

Take care, I'll keep popping in x