nightmare!

FBaby

Are you sure you guys are on the same wavelength in terms of your relationship? You both seem to want the same thing in terms of not living together, but I feel that you still consider yourself as a couple who share things such as family event/gathering etc... Could it be that he doesn't see your relationship to that same level, but more like companions (not undermining that term), who get together at times and enjoying each other companies, but who do have separate lives?

4 years seems like a very long time together as a couple without him taking for granted that you would at least be asked to attend a family event. If he was trying to hide things from you, I would agree that the problem is indeed his family and him being a wimp, but the fact that he tells you what is going on the same way he would tell any of his friends does make me think that he considers this normal because of how he sees your relationship?

gillypkk

i would have told him to do one a long long time ago!

sadgirl1

I do think that they genuinely thought that it would be inconvenient for me to attend, he mentioned the meal on Wednesday and said it was a family meal. I'm thinking that I maybe should have said outright if I was going to be invited, it was suggested in his text last night that he told me on Wednesday and I waited til the night he was out to say something. I was invited last year, so maybe they were being genuine and I've been selfish and immature in my actions.

ellay864

I'd be fuming at being left out when you're a loing-term established couple. The fact that you don't live together is irrelevant. Must admit my mum annoyed me for a while as she never seemed to take me and OH so seriously for a long time (and I mean several years) and I felt it was cos we didn't live together, but there was never any question of exclusion.
That alone would make me question the relationship. However much you want to blame his mum he should have made it clear to her you were invited and at least given you the chance to decline if you wanted. But what also gets to me is your comment about how he sees your kids. Yes it is hard but if you're seeing somebody with kids that's what you have to put up with. My boys were 9 and 12 when me and OH got together. They've always regularly visited their dad so we'd get roughly alternate weekends without them here but OH also had kids the same age he saw most Sundays. You just deal with it. You make the most of when you do get time alone, but you do things with the kids too and accept that you become part of their family and they part of yours.
Sorry but it sounds like deep down you know this isn't right. Maybe he needs giving an ultimatum but after 4 years this really shouldn't have got this far. Good luck x

Emmzi

why are you making excuses for him?

make_me_wise

I dont think your post sounds childish at all OP. The way your bfs mother treats you is appalling. It is not for parents to decide who their kids get involved with. Anyone I dated was welcomed into our family and included in things. My parents didn't always think the world of my partners, with a couple they had a point. But they respected and loved me and knew I would work it out in my own time.

Your bf decided to get involved with you knowing you were divorced with kids. Its not for anyone to look down on you for this. You had a point sending that text. All the other siblings partners were invited to this meal last night. You were very obviously left out. If your partner had any love and respect for you he would have insisted you were invited too.

Their reaction to your text speaks volumes about them. They dont like you seeing them for what they are and standing up for yourself so they turn it all back on you. Thats really vindictive behaviour. Quite frankly that would be the last straw for me and the bf would be dumped quicker than he could blink. You deserve to be treated so much better than this hun.

Arrange something nice for you and the kids this afternoon and dont be available to him to come see you when it suits him is my advice.

Teenie_D

sadgirl1 wrote: »

I do think that they genuinely thought that it would be inconvenient for me to attend, he mentioned the meal on Wednesday and said it was a family meal. I'm thinking that I maybe should have said outright if I was going to be invited, it was suggested in his text last night that he told me on Wednesday and I waited til the night he was out to say something. I was invited last year, so maybe they were being genuine and I've been selfish and immature in my actions.

He might have mentioned it was a family meal but clearly forgot to tell you that that his brothers gf's were going to be there, and mentioning it isn't exactly inviting you!

Pollycat

sadgirl1 wrote: »

I do think that they genuinely thought that it would be inconvenient for me to attend, he mentioned the meal on Wednesday and said it was a family meal.

Does it really sound like a family meal to you?
Does it make you think that you are not held in the same regard as the partners of his brothers?

Are they live-in partners? If so, that might be different.
Also, how long have the brothers been with their partners?

The answers to those questions may give you some indication of the opinion your partner's Mother has of you.

sadgirl1 wrote: »

Fast forward to this week, my boyfriend tells me on Wednesday that there's a "family" meal tonight so he'll come over Saturday afternoon instead of Friday after work. Tonight I sent a text saying I hoped he had a great night and who'd turned up. Then I get a message back, his brother and his GF, another brother and his GF etc. You get the picture, all the family and their partners.

Their partners - except you.

sadgirl1 wrote: »

I was invited last year

Was the situation different last year?
e.g. did you live closer than you do now?
If you did, you could make a case that it really is the distance that was the reason for not inviting you (although I still hold that it was rude not to offer the invitation and let you do the refusing).

sadgirl1 wrote: »

so maybe they were being genuine and I've been selfish and immature in my actions.

I think you're making excuses for them.

make_me_wise

sadgirl1 wrote: »

I've been wronged yet I was the one saying sorry last night, I'm dreading seeing his mum now. In fact I'm dreading seeing my boyfriend later, I actually feel a bit sick.

sadgirl1 wrote: »

Everyone is just confirming what I have thought myself, about him not wanting to commit to me and that I'm one of those "she's ok until something better comes along" type of women.

I'm scared to bring anything up, but I think I may have to have a chat about how I'm feeling.

If the conversation means he doesn't want to be with me then I have my answer, I'm dreading it already!
Thank you everyone for your comments.

Please, please read the above back to yourself. Look at the emotional state your bf has you in.

You are dreading seeing him later, you feel sick about it.

You are scared to bring anything up.

He makes you feel like your one of those ' she's ok until something better comes along' type of women.

You do realise that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship dont you OP. I am shocked to the core that you have put up with so much and feel like this.

His attitude to your kids stinks. Your self-esteem seems to be at absolute rock bottom. If you were with a guy who loved and cherished you it would never enter your head to think and feel what you have stated above. Have some self respect and know that you are worth so, so much more than this.

Callie22

After four years with someone I think you have a right to feel that you have become a part of their 'family'. It should have been taken for granted that you would be asked to attend the family meal along with all of the other partners, not taken for granted that you wouldn't even be asked. It's not a nice way to behave and trying to make you feel guilty for their childish behaviour is manipulative - sounds to me like they're well aware of the games that they're playing.

And sorry, but if he can't get on with your kids then I don't know why you're even thinking of having any kind of relationship with him. They're not exactly going to disappear! If you have a relationship with someone who has children then they come as a package, that's the way it is. It's not fair to put you in the middle and make feel as though you have to choose - tbh, it also smacks a bit of immaturity on your partner's side. My partner has a child and I fully accept that there are many times when his child's needs and wants have to come before mine - I am a grown up, his son isn't. I would never, ever say to OH that I find his child annoying or stressful. Ultimately I had/have a choice about being in this relationship, and it would be very wrong of me to try to manipulate OH into choosing between me or his child.