nightmare!

sadgirl1

Do you mind if I just get something off my chest? I'm not having the best evening.
A bit of background information. I met my boyfriend four years ago and it's mostly gone well apart from the odd ups and downs that any relationship has. We don't live together, infact we live quite far apart now as he travels for work and he moved closer to his family last year.
When I first met his mum I didn't feel like she really liked me, I'm a single mum and divorced and I think this was a contributing factor. There has been a few negative things she has said about me to my boyfriend and he has told me because I don't think he wanted to keep any secrets from me.
For quite some time I have felt alienated from anything "family" related, I just assumed that as they are quite a closed family so it's better not to rock the boat. Fast forward to this week, my boyfriend tells me on Wednesday that there's a "family" meal tonight so he'll come over Saturday afternoon instead of Friday after work. Tonight I sent a text saying I hoped he had a great night and who'd turned up. Then I get a message back, his brother and his GF, another brother and his GF etc. You get the picture, all the family and their partners. I sent a message back saying thanks for the invite as I was slightly annoyed about this. This has now resulted in a late night text saying I'd ruined the evening and him and his mum now feel guilty and basically I'm the bad one. I feel bad for upsetting them and now I fear I won't even be told about anything happening in the future as this is sure to have made his mum dislike me more.
Reading this back it sounds really childish, but it's so hard to explain how cliquey their family is and how hurtful it is to be the only one excluded from a family event.

Dee123_2

Ok, something isn't right here.

Your boyfriends mum dislikes you so much that she deliberately excludes you from a meal and he doesn't insist on inviting you. A simple text message (hardly abusive) to your BF makes both of them feel guilty. Yet your boyfriend, in the midst of his ruined evening and his guilt, texts you back to tell you it's all your fault?

It seems to be pointing to something to do with your boyfriend but that is solely based on the info you've provided.

Whatever the truth of the situation and whoever is at fault, you are quite right to feel upset at being excluded after several years together. On the face of it, you have nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

Have a chat with him, tell him exactly what you deserve in the future and see if he will comply. You need to reset the groundrules whilst not alienating him and his mother. Even if it's his mum thats the issue, you need his support.

(I'm sorry this is a bit rushed, I'm totally knackered now )

pigpen

I wouldnt be thinking anything other than HE didnt want me there.. He was happy enough to go but I would be annoyed he didnt want to be seen out with me and ask him what he was so ashamed about!

This isnt about his family and what they think of you.. because when it comes to it, it doesnt matter what they think of you but your OH is supposed to like you and he should have told you about the meal and extended the invitation..

if he were my OH.. he would be dumped.. by text.. straight away.. I wouldnt even think about it.. this shows lack of respect for you... even if you wouldnt have gone it is beside the point.. you should have been given the option.

The family isnt cliquey, it is all OHs doing

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sounds to me more like he wants to keep you at arm's length. Makes up a few stories here and there, doesn't commit to you fully.

Are you sure that you aren't just the 'One who will do until Ms Right comes along'?

Skippycat

I can definitely understand why you would be upset. If you had only been together a short time then it would be fair enough if you hadn't been invited. However if you've been together a few years and your OH is still happy to exclude you from family gatherings I would be wondering how seriously he is taking the relationship and where exactly it is heading...

sadgirl1

When I read other peoples posts saying similar things I always think why is she with him when he won't stand up to his mum? Here I am trying to convince myself that he's just trying to keep the peace and that I shouldn't be so sensitive.
It was an instinctive reaction sending that text, I would have done the same to a friend or a family member of my own if I'd found out I'd been excluded from an event that everyone else was invited to. Apparently they thought I would think it too far to drive just to spend a few hours in the pub, the same excuse given as to why I wasn't invited to a family members funeral. The funeral wasn't an issue as I didn't really know the deceased but I would have gone if asked in order to support my boyfriend.
If I'm honest I don't like his mum and I don't like the way he goes running when she calls, even if this means breaking plans he has with me. Maybe I'm jealous? I feel like I should at least be equal to his mum and family in his priorities, and it hurts feeling second best.
I think I may just let the dust settle on this and accept that badgering him is just going to make the situation worse.

sadgirl1

Everyone is just confirming what I have thought myself, about him not wanting to commit to me and that I'm one of those "she's ok until something better comes along" type of women.
We've got a holiday coming up while my boys are on holiday with my family, when it's just us things are great. I'm scared to bring anything up, but I think I may have to have a chat about how I'm feeling.
If the conversation means he doesn't want to be with me then I have my answer, I'm dreading it already!
Thank you everyone for your comments.

Skippycat

sadgirl1 wrote: »

Apparently they thought I would think it too far to drive just to spend a few hours in the pub, the same excuse given as to why I wasn't invited to a family members funeral. The funeral wasn't an issue as I didn't really know the deceased but I would have gone if asked in order to support my boyfriend.

To be fair though he still could have invited you and said 'but I understand if you can't make it as it is a long way to travel for just a few hours'. At least if he had done that you wouldn't have felt left out (even if you didn't go) and it would have saved a lot of bad feeling.

sadgirl1

Well I got another text talking about our holiday, and how the previous holidays we've had with my children haven't been very relaxing for him etc. This really makes we wonder what kind of future we will have together if spending time with my children is such a nightmare. Luckily I don't really want somebody living with us at the moment anyway.
I must be horrible because I am glad they feel guilty, so they should. It wouldn't have been difficult to ask but say that they understand if I can't make it because of the distance etc.
I've come to the conclusion that they must either be thoughtless or they just didn't want me there full stop, I guess I'll never know now.

Teenie_D

What a d!ck!! Sorry but your boys surely come first and if he can't see that then after 4 years he really has no clue. Yes I'm sure he will be looking forward to a holiday without your children but if you are going to have a future together then he must realise the children are going to be there 24/7 and going to be your number one priority, wonder if he'd be able to cope with that?!

As for not inviting you I would be extremely hurt and bl00dy angry at him for not sticking up for you and insisting that you come along. We have friends and it was kind of the same situation, she had 2 children and there was a 7 year age gap, him being younger. They lived together for quite a while but his Mum made it clear that he didn't approve and eventually gave him an ultimatum his gf or the family, unfortunately he chose his family They are back together again after about a years seperation and engaged, he finally had the balls to tell his Mum where to go and they all seem to get on fine now.

Good luck but not sure if I could stick with someone who clearly has no respect for my feelings

Sambucus_Nigra

sadgirl1 wrote: »

Well I got another text talking about our holiday.

'What holiday - if you think I'm going on holiday with you when you won't invite me to a so-called family gathering then jog on'.