The Matrix - Re-Evolution!!

jenid

Hi Matrixers

Been busy over a long hectic summer but popped back to see how you're all getting on. Missed too much to read over it all but just wanted to say a massive well done to MG for becoming debt free, what an amazing achievement! Loved the conversation with the fake bailiff, that'll teach em! Hope your Mum gets the cheque stopped ok.

Oh and MG your website looks great, I'll be signing up for the November decluttering if that's ok.

Good vibes and hugs for all those that need them, and congrats to all those who've been celebrating good news and hard work recently

jenid

Memory_Girl

Righto!!! Now that the busy-ness of the morning is over I need to pick the brains of the Mums / Teachers on here.

I have a very unhappy DS1. He is not thriving in the school - although to be fair I don't think it is in any way the schools fault. DS1 showed Aspergic tendencies very early on hence the first choice of a Montessori School - so the Montessori school didn't make him this way, its because he is this way we chose the Montessori school IYSWIM.

Now he is in a State primary he is becoming more and more reserved, depressed even. His "tapping" an indicator that he is feeling overwhelmed and stressed has appeared again, he is constantly seeking reassurance from myself and his teacher and has no confidence that he knows anything. He is convinced all the kids in his class are much brighter than he is and that he is hopeless .......... BTW he is NOT.

He is not relating well to his peer group - but in fact he always been much more confident with grown-ups. The thing is adults love him because he is open and interesting and interested - but that cuts no ice with his peer group.

The most worrying thing is that some of the language he used last night is pretty scary. He reports that the kids make him feel tiny and insignificant, that he wished he could disappear, that he was invisible. That he is afraid to answer in class because the kids snigger at him, that they roll their eyes when he speaks that they always tell him that he is doing things wrong.

Over the last term his writing has gone from a pretty scratchy but legible cursive to an almost unreadable print with no spaces between words and his teacher reports that he is very very slow to complete work now as he is afraid to start ( or perhaps afraid to be told he is doing it wrong)

Now bear in mind that this is DS1 reporting back so it may not be entirely factual (there being two sides to every story), but his feelings are real and my lovely smart cookie is shaking and nervous.

Where do I even start trying to help him?

MG

savingforarainyday

MG- Firstly (((hugs))). My ds is autistic spectrum and dyslexic, and school was very difficult for him.

Firstly have you had a meeting with the class teacher to raise your concerns. Do you know where he is or if he is on the special educational needs register. (School action, School Action Plus....)

Also mention to his class teacher about the eye rolling and sniggering and see if she has picked up on anything or ask her to watch for this to see if his fears are justified and she may be able to nip this in the bud.

A lot of austistic spectrum/asperger children find it difficult to form relationships with their peers. Does he talk about any children who may be friends with him, that you could invite round to play, or does he have any special interests that he could join a club for, this may help his self esteem

In the mean time do what you do best and give him a happy and loving home life, as often this can become their sanctuary and salvation.

(Won't bore you with my story, but used to be an independent parental supporter, so if you want any help just pm me)

Cheery_Daff

Poor old DS1 MG Have no advice whatsoever I'm afraid, other than to carry on what you're doing anyway and making sure he has plenty of outside school experiences and interactions with lots of different groups of people so that kids at school aren't his only choice of friends. Hope you manage to sort something out for him xx

jenid

Oh MG, no words of wisdom I'm afraid but my heart goes out to you and your wonderful boys, big hugs to you all.

I don't know if I'm remembering my childhood with rose tinted glasses but life seemed so much easier when I was a child. It's a slightly different issue, but I'm often shocked when my nephews tell me you can't wear this, say that, do this at school or you'll get laughed at/bullied. I find it heartbreaking that their class mates act this way, but just as heartbreaking that my nephews answer to this seems to be not to wear/say or do what they're being told by their peers not to do, and that their parents say 'yes this is how it is'.

I never had the latest clothes, the cool packed lunch, was always being 'monitor' for something or other and on the occasions I got laughed at, my Mum's answer was to tell me I was ok and to give me the confidence to believe this.

Slightly off topic I know, but how you give your boys confidence and encourage them in their learning and individuality reminds me very much off what my Mum did for me as a child, and it's only now as an adult that I recognise and feel grateful for it.

Best wishes and hugs to you all

xx

Happytogetdebtfree

Big hugs mg no pearly wisdom from me but hugs and positive vibes here for you xxx

Aesop

MG, are you interested in finding out if he does have Aspergers and if so, where he is on the spectrum? Maybe after having a SEN consultation, you can approach the school and explain what is happening with DS and how he is not being stimulated. As a school it is their duty to educate DS but they should be able to get assistance if required, with a teaching assistant for DS.

http://www.cambiangroup.com/specialist_education

Hope this helps.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Schoolslearninganddevelopment/SpecialEducationalNeeds/DG_4000870

Memory_Girl

Thanks for all your links - I am awaiting a phone call back from the school - was promised one in the morning break but maybe it will happen at lunch instead (The Head is taking the school for Scottish Country Dancing today so I know she is busy in class time)

His assessment at age of four with Ed Psychlogist was inconclusive as to Aspergers but gave no other explanation - but TBH he does demonstrate most of the traits if a High Functioning Aspergers student. (I have two that I have worked with, one is a Surgeon and the other is literally a rocket scientist although he is now working at CERN). Should I be looking at approaching the school to have him assessed again?

In the Montessori school - he was "just DS1" in that they understood how to work with him as they had known him since a toddler. He is just adrift in this new setting.

He is very able, very academic but not socially able. I on the other hand happily walk into rooms and speak in front of hundreds so am finding it hard to steer a line between encouraging him and terrifying him IYSWIM.

Should I leave it to the school to progress or should I approach the psychological services unit directly to look into help for him to create coping strategies?

MG

Aesop

If the school does not know how to teach and motivate and keep interested children with Aspergers or traits, they will not be able to keep DS motivated.

So the first thing is to talk to the Head, find out their experiences, etc and if they cannot help then I would go to the psychological services unit for help or SEN.

You do not want DS to get demotivated.

Can I ask how old he is please?

thriftyscotslass

MG, first of all (((hugs))) to both you and ds1.

My ds1 was diagnosed as Asperger's late at 17 and to say the least, school was not a good experience for him.

With the benefit of hindsight I would say the following - listen to ds1. Ask for a meeting with his class teacher to express your concerns. Then ask for a meeting with the SENCO. If you get nowhere, ask to speak to the Head Teacher.

The class-teacher can establish a "Buddy" system and a "Circle of Friends" for ds1. Once he has more friends on his side the bullying behaviours from other children should lessen.

The SENCO will be able to assess ds1 to see what additional support is required. Tell them you are dyslexic, sounds daft but this may add more weight to your case as these conditions are all genetic and inter-twined. An educational psychologist can provide you with a diagnosis.

I would flag this up now as the primary school can make a start and pass this information on to his secondary school in September to give them a "heads up".

Good luck, elbows out girl and let us know how you get on.

PS "Aspergic tendancies" - don't disregard these, the higher the intelligence, the more able the individual is to mask the outward appearance of the tendancies. Aspies are wonderful actors. I used to say my son "only had mild Aspergers" until someone pointed out there is no only and nothing mild about Aspergers, they were right.

Hth, love Thriftyxxx