"Simply not solvent!

Seaxwyn

Doh! I didn't think of cashback. However DF (dear father) is paying so I didn't have much control. And it's a pub so possibly not on any cashback scheme.

DD1 is all for moving OH's stuff to the shed - perhaps we should just do it before he gets up tomorrow. And the stuff he put in the garden? Well some it is still there! All covered in autumn leaves and biodegrading away.

Shall I tell my dad about my debts? Any opinions? The idea is growing in my mind. He would be utterly horrified, it might even send him to an early grave. But would he be even more horrified at the thought I had these debts and didn't tell him? I have always concealed the extent of our problems from my parents, partly to defend OH from their disapproval, as they weren't that keen on him from the outset, though he has won them round. Anyway, if anyone has any views on the idea of shattering an old man's illusions, please voice them now.

Sea78

It would not send him to an early grave! Think about it as a parent. Would you want, no, expect, your kids to come to you when they had problems? Not necessarily to sort them out, but just to be there as a support, as a shoulder to lean on, as a fall back when things were tough. I suspect you would as you are a wonderful mum who obviously wants the best for her family. Therefore I believe you should share this with your dad - yes, its' going to be painful and hard but it will help to share it and he might come up with ways to help you sort it. I hid a whole load of stuff from my mum - she was upset, but happier that I'd shared it with her.

But then he's your dad, so you know him best.

Sea xxxx

Seaxwyn

Thanks Sea.

I don't think my dad wants to be a shoulder to lean on, he was always a rather distant parent and lately he would rather lean on me than vice versa.

He is judgemental and would lose whatever respect he has for me and OH, if I owned up to the debt.

I think he would feel obliged to help out, and that could well involve sacrificing his own security, he is a great one for savings and insurances, rightly so, and I would hate to take that from him. He has worked hard all his life and is in the enviable position of being comfortably off with all his children (in his eyes) well established in the world, and I would hate to shatter that comfort, particularly as he has not had a particularly happy life.

Sea78

Right I see. Well, you could go from the angle of not wanting anything from him - you could make this clear?- and then just say you need him to know as it's been weighing on your mind about him not knowing (which I'm assuming it has or you wouldn't be considering telling him?) and even if he is judgmental,will this really make him loose all that respect? would he rather know that you'd kept it from him?

Not necessarily meaning to be harsh, just raising some of the issues that first pop into my head when thinking about this. More to the point - forget for a minute about his reaction - would you feel better/different if you told him?

Seaxwyn

What I would really like is to know whether I need to prioritise paying back the £34,400 I owe him or whether I can see it as a 'debt against eventual inheritance', which he has suggested in the past but not said clearly.

Otherwise, I'd rather he didn't know about the rest. But without knowing about the other debts, why would he write off the debt I owe him? What he sees is that I'm working hard and surely bringing in lots of money, so why aren't I paying him back?

It's a bit late at night to think about this, and I'm possibly influenced by today's row in which he used me as an ally against my mum.

I've got a week before our Suffolk jaunt so I should think about it in the cold light of day.

Good night! Hope you sleep well.

Sea78

Night hon - I'm sure you'll know what you want to do by the time you next see him and that whatever annoyance you feel from today will have faded so you can think about it clearly.

delboypass

i just came off a cold and was coughing up blood.
Doc originally told me it was bacterial infection...told him it wasnt but give it a few days..went back said it was viral like i told him 3 days earlier...
On antibiotics and cleared it up no probs
Coughing and viral infections affect the breathing tract and bursts blood vessels giving you the blood effect.

PS Good luck with your debts...Doing a great Job.
Only notice i had was to pay off the higher % loans before the 0% ones so you are getting more bang for you £££

hypno06

Hi Seax, I hope you had a good sleep

FWIW, we have not told our parents the extent of our debt - they know things are tight and that we are always working but we haven't told them because

• they would feel very disappointed in us
• they might feel obliged to pay/help and although that would help us, it would put them under pressure
• they would be constantly worried about us and we don't want them to worry any more than is absolutely necessary!

We have come close to it - those times when we wonder whether they would help out if we "came clean" but then we decided not to for the above reasons.

Life - why is it full of such bloody hard decisions

Seaxwyn

Thanks delboy - hope you are fully recovered now - it's alarming seeing the blood isn't it?

DS slept for 12 hours and seems better. He is desperate to go to his friend's party today but I can't let him go if he's still coughing up blood. 2 hours to decide....

Hypno I feel exactly like you. The exact same three reasons for not telling. But oney difference is that my dad is my biggest creditor! The fact I owe him money has become a taboo subject between us and I really want to raise it because I want to find out if I should prioritise paying him. And I can't really say "I can't afford to pay you" without explaining the reason that we're paying £800-plus a month on other debts.

Anyway, plenty of time to come to a decision.

chevalier

I think you should come clean and ask him about what you owe him. If you can put his debt on the back burner (ie he doesn't NEED the money back for day to day living), then it will help you concentrate on the debts you do need to pay back. So I would tell him that he is not your only creditor.

BUT I wouldn't do it the evening before/on the day of a funeral. Emotions may already be running pretty high and talking about this then, might not be the best time.

Ref OH and his stuff. Give him a week to move it/sort it out, tell him that if it is not sorted in a week, it is going on freecycle/ebay/ local tip/ garden. And then stick to it. Sorry love but you give too easy a ride some times. And if it is making your child sad, then you have to stand firm, and get him to sort this. ESPECIALLY if he is not working many hours during December.

chev