Advice please Husband swearing at our child

make_me_wise

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Hang on there a moment.

All she said, was his mood dictated the mood in the house, that happens with everyone, what mood people are, does dictate the mood of others around you.
I don't think there is anything there to say he is manipulative. He may well be, but lets not go jumping the gun.
Sounds more like he's got problems with anger management.

Normally I agree with you. However when the OP was asked if she walked on eggshells round her partner, didn't know what mood to expect from him next and adapted her behaviour to please him, she said yes. That goes beyond adjusting and reacting to a household members moods. I hope I have it wrong too and he is just one of those awkward to live with types but I have my doubts.

skintandscared_2

Only my personal opinion, but it sounds to me like your husband needs some professional help with anger management issues. And he needs a consequence of not getting that help ...

nearlyrich

xlittlemissx wrote: »

yes,yes,yes and I dont know? just thought he was quite self centered, but his mood definately dictates the mood of the whole house which I hate.

This will now probably sound stupid to most but I thought this is how most families are (not the swearing).

lm xx

That's how most families are where one of the members is a manipulative bully, normal families don't walk on eggshells in case "daddy" had a bad day.

Been there done that glad I managed to escape and have a decent life with my children, hope it all turns out OK for you and yours;)

xlittlemissx

Hi there,

I spoke to DH last night when the kids were in bed. It took a bit of mustering up the courage to speak as he had come in in such a good mood and I was aware I was going to change that.

I said calmly that DS was really upset because you swore at him today over his bedroom. He said "did I? I might of". He went on to say that he asked him to pick things up but instead started he playing with them (what child doesn't)this got him really annoyed, and he might have sworn. I didnt go any further last night with it. Reading the replies I have received it shows some people think it is ok and maybe just said in the heat of the moment and wont have too much of an effect on DS, and others think absolutely not - I suppose I need to decide what I think is ok, which is what I'm struggling with at the moment - I dont know what I think anymore - and dont feel very strong at the moment(hence ending the conversation last night before I really wanted to).

Sorry just rambling now going round in circles in my head. Thankyou for all the replies I really appreciate it.

lm xx

pmlindyloo

Just my personal opinion.

None of us know what your OH is like to live with - only you know. From your comments it would seem that you feel that you are living a life fearing what kind of mood your OH is and fitting around this.

The incident with your child, in my opinion, is not the most important part of this. There are lots of people that lose their temper with their children and you say that your child knows bad language is unacceptable. A simple explanation from your OH to your child saying that he is sorry that he swore and reiterating that swearing like that is wrong, but also explaining why he lost his temper is the way to go (certainly worked for my family)

You say that your child knows swearing is wrong, which suggests to me that your OH does not punctuate his sentences with swear words. So, it seems that the swearing was the result of annoyance with your child and being stressed at being disobeyed. Although not right, I think this is understandable.

We do not know the wider picture. What are relationships like with the children and your OH?

My OH and I made a pact that we would always show a united front to our children and back each other up (even if we disagreed) and discuss things later when the children were not around. Having said that, we were both confident with each other's parenting and the disagreement was usually about sanctions.

Have you and your OH sat down and discussed how you handle your children's annoying habits - e.g what to do about the untidy bedroom?

If you are totally different in your appoach to the children then it is time to have a talk.

If you are indeed 'walking on egg shells' and find the above a complete 'no no' then only you can work out the way forward.

Life is too short to be living with someone who is not willing to communicate and be loving, kind and responsible in a relationship.

xlittlemissx

pmlindyloo wrote: »

We do not know the wider picture. What are relationships like with the children and your OH?

Relationships are tense quite alot of the time, with me often in the middle a bit, I try to keep the peace alot but its wearing me down, Its knowing what to do about it - I tread on eggshells but try not to pass this onto the kids - I want them to be kids so I let them, play with the hosepipe, make some mess etc, I just run around like a lunatic getting everything away before OH comes in, otherwise as soon as he walks through the door its bad mood and shouting at the kids to put everything away - shouted questions like why is this here? everyone must have walked past this and still not picked it up? Please dont thik I'm a untidy lazy bod - i'm not, it does get done, its just of it wasnt done yesterday for him its not soon enough.

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Life is too short to be living with someone who is not willing to communicate and be loving, kind and responsible in a relationship.

Its helping just writing things down here - some of these things in black and white make me realise I need to do something about this. The swearing issue was, for me I think the moment when I realised things are not right. Your last sentence has really hit me hard - I agree totally with it, life is too short. At the moment I have to ask for a kiss - even then I sometimes dont get one:(. Sorry totally off the main topic there, thanks for your thoughts.

lm xx

VfM4meplse

xlittlemissx wrote: »

Relationships are tense quite alot of the time, with me often in the middle a bit, I try to keep the peace alot but its wearing me down, Its knowing what to do about it - I tread on eggshells but try not to pass this onto the kids - I want them to be kids so I let them, play with the hosepipe, make some mess etc, I just run around like a lunatic getting everything away before OH comes in, otherwise as soon as he walks through the door its bad mood and shouting at the kids to put everything away - shouted questions like why is this here? everyone must have walked past this and still not picked it up? Please dont thik I'm a untidy lazy bod - i'm not, it does get done, its just of it wasnt done yesterday for him its not soon enough.





Its helping just writing things down here - some of these things in black and white make me realise I need to do something about this. The swearing issue was, for me I think the moment when I realised things are not right. Your last sentence has really hit me hard - I agree totally with it, life is too short. At the moment I have to ask for a kiss - even then I sometimes dont get one:(. Sorry totally off the main topic there, thanks for your thoughts.

lm xx

I wish I'd been the first to see your post, and to advise you not to tolerate this. So many women put up with this kind of rubbish, if you don't know it already then let me tell you, a life spent in fear is no life for you and your kids.

Your husband has the mentality of a child and the cruelty of a psychopath. Let him inflict himself on other peple by all means, but not your children, they are far too precious to destroy in this way. Leave him now and save the kids a lifetime of resentment.

From one who knows.

make_me_wise

xlittlemissx wrote: »

Relationships are tense quite alot of the time, with me often in the middle a bit, I try to keep the peace alot but its wearing me down, Its knowing what to do about it - I tread on eggshells but try not to pass this onto the kids - I want them to be kids so I let them, play with the hosepipe, make some mess etc, I just run around like a lunatic getting everything away before OH comes in, otherwise as soon as he walks through the door its bad mood and shouting at the kids to put everything away - shouted questions like why is this here? everyone must have walked past this and still not picked it up? Please dont thik I'm a untidy lazy bod - i'm not, it does get done, its just of it wasnt done yesterday for him its not soon enough.

Its helping just writing things down here - some of these things in black and white make me realise I need to do something about this. The swearing issue was, for me I think the moment when I realised things are not right. Your last sentence has really hit me hard - I agree totally with it, life is too short. At the moment I have to ask for a kiss - even then I sometimes dont get one:(. Sorry totally off the main topic there, thanks for your thoughts.

lm xx

I am going to get flamed for this I know it, but I cant sit back anymore and not point this out to you. I feel you are being emotionally abused. It is so far from normal to have to be this way around the one person who is meant to love you the most.

Your kids will be so aware of mummy walking on eggshells around daddy. They will be taking in far more than you know. It is giving them an awful example of what to expect and tolerate from adult relationships.

PM me if you would like hun.

VfM4meplse

make_me_wise wrote: »

It is giving them an awful example of what to expect and tolerate from adult relationships.

You are so right, it's a Philip Larkin / This Be The Verse situation in the making.

make_me_wise

OP I am sure it is not easy to read all this and take it in. Please come back on here when you feel ready and let us all help you. Thinking of you hun.