Advice please Husband swearing at our child

KiKi

I agree with the posters who say that the swearing is the least of your problems.

Your DS is eight years old. Eight. The level of distress it must cause an eight year old to hear a parent say they're sick of them, and being angry and storming off...I can't imagine. Even without the swearing that's unacceptable.

I am all for discipline (I don't think there's enough of it around, quite frankly), and maybe your son was being a problem in the clearing up of his room. But a parent should role model the behaviour they want to see, not yell and shout and hope it's effective. And far worse, is rejecting a child - all over the messiness of the bedroom.

The fact that he's swearing around the children is bad. Swearing at the child is worse. But by far the biggest problem you have is that the child's father had no problem telling an eight year old he was sick of him then storming off. An eight year old does not understand and comprehend information and situations in the same way as an adult. An adult might laugh off, or ignore a family member saying "I'm sick of you" - but that's rejection to a child.

You most definitely need to have a serious conversation. Your DS might well be at fault, but he is a child, and if his behaviour was unacceptable, then your OH should have managed that behaviour better, not lost his temper. Give your son a big hug.

KiKi

[Deleted User]

I would have a chat with him when he has calmed down. Be calm and express yoru concern. Explain that swearing is not acceptable, especially to or in front of the kids. Explain that you understand that they can be naughty and push every single button (that is what they do, I am a Mum myself) but that there are other ways to discipline them. Tell him that you would like to show him how he can do that without shouting and swearing (perhaps show him one fo the Supernannies episodes). Remind him that parents need to set a good example and that children will turn into "us" when they are grown up. The last thing you want is to teach them that shouting and swearing at others is acceptable. Remind himthat the school works very hard to emphasize this. Remind him that it is not easy to hold back, but he needs to be the bigger person and set a good example. Hopefully he will listen to you, good luck.

BitterAndTwisted

xlittlemissx wrote: »

yes,yes,yes and I dont know? just thought he was quite self centered, but his mood definately dictates the mood of the whole house which I hate.

This will now probably sound stupid to most but I thought this is how most families are (not the swearing).

lm xx

No, they are not. This is very manipulative and unhealthy behaviour.

Lotus-eater

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

No, they are not. This is very manipulative and unhealthy behaviour.

Hang on there a moment.

All she said, was his mood dictated the mood in the house, that happens with everyone, what mood people are, does dictate the mood of others around you.
I don't think there is anything there to say he is manipulative. He may well be, but lets not go jumping the gun.
Sounds more like he's got problems with anger management.

MrsRogers

I am not for one minute excusing the OP's actions but there does seem to be a deeper issue here?

Is DH stressed at work / finances? Sometimes constant stress/ depression can just make people snap? Can't see that an untidy bedroom would make DH flip as the only reason.

My father use to have a bit of temper tantrum when we were younger .. he was working 2 jobs and trying his hardest to keep a roof over our heads.

Its not an excuse but help with the root cause of the problem will aid in a far better outcome.

Good luck

marywooyeah

I have a 3 year old, and I'm very ashamed to admit that I have sworn at him on a number of occassions. I get very annoyed at mess (sounds like the reason for your OH's outburst) and get very sick of cleaning and washing all the time (no exaggeration, I did 3 loads of washing yesterday!) it just never ends. I am a SAHM til september and I don't know how I will cope with it.
I always feel terrible, but sometimes the situation gets too much and especially if he is having a tantrum too it really gets on top of me to the point where I am in tears and having to leave the room to calm down but he follows me everywhere even to the loo so I can't have the space to calm down.

sounds like this is whats happening to your OH as you say it has happened a handful of times. Whilst I agree its horrible for your DS, he is at an age where he can tidy himself and can kind of understand why hubby was so angry - not saying its right or I agree with him - just that I can see why he was frustrated.
I'd sit down with him and ask him to see from DS's point of view and how it would have been for him to hear that, and make sure hubby sits down with him to apologise and explain himself.

make_me_wise

I reckon I am going to get flamed to the hilt here. Im not a parent yet, will be come next Jan. I work as a teacher. For the last 11 years in years 2 and 3, so similar age to OPs child.

You will be fighting a losing battle with a kid if you lose it and swear at them. There have been kids in my classes over the years who I am sure happily drive their parents to the brink and beyond.

They try to push every button known to man because what they want is your reaction and to know they can get the better of you. I refuse to react to a childs bad behaviour in any way other than a very stern 'No, absolutely not'. When they realise you aren't going to put up with them playing up or react to them they grow bored of it all.

It can also be argued that a kid will push boundaries to test how far they can go and to make themselves feel safe. If the adult they are testing gets out of control and swears then where does that leave the kid?

marywooyeah

I agree - hence why I always feel so terrible and vow never to do it again, and feel myself blowing out air to try and stop it I honestly do try I hate seeing parents swearing at their kids I don't want to be like that!
sounds like OP's hub just snapped, I'm sure half the reason he was itching to go fishing was to let off steam cos he felt bad about it.

make_me_wise

I think all mums do a fab job and cope with so much. I have the benefit of only having the little darlings for 6 hours a day, with breaks and non contact time thrown in too. Its also a huge benefit having my teaching assistant to hand who can take a little monster out for some reading practice if they are driving me scatty.

pigpen

So long as DS knows HE shouldn't swear I don't see the swearing as an issue.. How many people have never uttered a cuss word???

My XH would swear constantly at the children and call them hateful names.. he would hit them (and still does on occasion) far far harder than anyone would accept and for stupid little nothings.. he hit DD3 last weekend for closing a door he wanted open! .. this is unacceptable.. being a bit frustrated with the mess and an 8 y/o wanting to cling to bits of crap is completely different.

My 12 y/o has a collection of crap as well.. I sort it when he isn't home.. otherwise he wails and clings to the binbag and claims he can't possibly live without any of it. I've told him I'll put him in the binbag and throw him and the crap out if he doesn't stop being silly about rubber bands and scraps of paper!

I would suggest you get OH to explain to DS exactly what it is that he is sick of.. no doubt it isn't 'DS the package' but rather the mess and general clingyness to junk he is sick of.. I know the feeling well.. He probably meant nothing by it other than the heat of the moment fury.

However, the bubbling undercurrent of unhappiness you have with OH needs addressing.. though I don't think this singular incident is serious enough to warrant divorce etc I can understand it was a catalyst in the realisation something is amiss.