Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things

PasturesNew

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

If you can, get someone who knew your father well, and is good at / doesn't mind speaking in public to give a speech. Well-chosen anecdotes from a close friend or relative really helps, I think.

We don't really know anybody. Any of the old's mates have not been seen for probably over 20 years and they're also about 80 years old and 300 miles away.

Local mates are a few shuffling nerds without the social skills to speak to each other on 'club night', which the old has ceased to attend in the past year.

I know one fact: I won't be doing any talking. It's highly likely to be "just us" there too anyway. It's all a bit odd and low key .... we've no idea what we're doing really and are simply picking the easiest route through the funeral place's options. I kind of feel bad that there's nobody likely to care enough to go; it's all very dysfunctional really - but so was the old.

The old did some stuff in the past that'd surprise some people ... but nobody will be there to hear about it. They shouldn't have moved really; they've got no friends/network here. Even the neighbours haven't bothered to ask how the old is ... they don't even know the old's gone, although I did knock/tell the one who has most interaction with the rest, so maybe they know.

I don't know what I expected... but you see such different things happening on the TV; on TV stuff's just great and people have good send offs and mates and stuff... but real life's not like that is it.

neverdespairgirl

I've only ever been to a few funerals - my grandmothers', and my great-aunts. So I don't really know what is normal. I'd make sure the word is spread locally, so the local lot can come if they choose to?

vivatifosi

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I've only ever been to a few funerals - my grandmothers', and my great-aunts. So I don't really know what is normal. I'd make sure the word is spread locally, so the local lot can come if they choose to?

I've been to a lot of funerals. Mostly because I'm the product of a large extended family, though also some for friends who died far to young. The one thing I've learned is no two are the same. I've been at sad funerals, happy funerals; funerals where the mood is very traditional and people all sing hymns, or another where we all had to sing and whistle "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" (which I have to say was an absolutely fantastic to the young person whose funeral it was). I've been to big funerals and small ones where only close family and friends were invited.

The good thing is there are no rules - whatever anyone else may say - and Pastures you and the old should do whatever you want to do.

lostinrates

I've been to a few, not hge numbers. and they have had similarities and differences.....and I think that what's important is they suit the immeadiate family. Everyone else can just fit in if anyone trns up.


I found the missing cat at about half three, when, worried I went for a prowl outside and found I had locked her in with the chickens. d'uh. She was excessively pleased to be rescued!

Davesnave

I gave Dad a humanist send-off. It wasn't something he asked for, but it seemed more honest, as he'd not been a churchgoer. Besides, I knew the humanist celebrant would definitely do a good job. Besides her, a couple of us spoke, and we kept it respectful for a 95 year old, but far from solemn.

I think the fact that it wasn't a 'trad' service surprised, or maybe even shocked a few of the older relatives, but as one or two of you have said, what we deemed appropriate was none of their business. After the anonymous, boring send-off my Mum had had, down at the local church where no one knew her, I wasn't allowing the same mistake to be made again.

That said, the last funeral I went to a couple of months ago was led by a chapel minister in Wales. I thought "Oh boy, this will be a bundle of laughs!" but it was, in fact, very lighthearted and personal. The the guy knew my aunt well and realised she'd want something up-beat & cheerful, as evidenced by her instructions, that we should all wear something bright red.

silvercar

Even the neighbours haven't bothered to ask how the old is ... they don't even know the old's gone, although I did knock/tell the one who has most interaction with the rest, so maybe they know.

I would assume that they have all been told and that they are respectfully keeping their distance. Given that they didn't know him, they probably don't want to intrude on your grief at this time.

lemonjelly

fc123 wrote: »

But my book selection arrived from Amazon today and can't wait to get stuck in.

What did you get?

lostinrates

NDG, foaly pic has made me feel VERY broody. The mare looks content.

lemonjelly

silvercar wrote: »

Reminds me of a conversation recently. Someone wondered if my father would be entitled to Attendance allowance whilst he is ill. So they start asking questions like whether he can cook for himself. He can't and never has, because she has always cooked for him. So on that basis, every man of a certain age would probably be entitled to AA!

Also applies in reverse. My mother asks at random moments questions like "where are the NI numbers kept?"

Not so actually. With Ateendance allowance (& DLA) they don't look at whether you have the actual skills, but whether you have the ability to manage the tools - such as a peeler, pots & pans etc. They are not interested in whether you know how to cook.

lemonjelly

PasturesNew wrote: »

We don't really know anybody. Any of the old's mates have not been seen for probably over 20 years and they're also about 80 years old and 300 miles away.

Local mates are a few shuffling nerds without the social skills to speak to each other on 'club night', which the old has ceased to attend in the past year.

I know one fact: I won't be doing any talking. It's highly likely to be "just us" there too anyway. It's all a bit odd and low key .... we've no idea what we're doing really and are simply picking the easiest route through the funeral place's options. I kind of feel bad that there's nobody likely to care enough to go; it's all very dysfunctional really - but so was the old.

The old did some stuff in the past that'd surprise some people ... but nobody will be there to hear about it. They shouldn't have moved really; they've got no friends/network here. Even the neighbours haven't bothered to ask how the old is ... they don't even know the old's gone, although I did knock/tell the one who has most interaction with the rest, so maybe they know.

I don't know what I expected... but you see such different things happening on the TV; on TV stuff's just great and people have good send offs and mates and stuff... but real life's not like that is it.

I remember my grandads funeral. As far as I knew, he & nan didn't see many people, but loads turned up. I was actually quite shocked at how many were there. Strangely, my nans (his wifes) funeral several years later had a much lower attendance (though it is quite possible that people had passed since grandads funeral).

A friend committed suicide years ago. Left a strange suicide note saying he'd made a tape (he was a big fan of mixtapes). He left instructions in his suicide note to play the tape at the funeral (even to the extent of saying he'd haunt anyone who didn't play the tape!:eek:). It was actually quite horrendous. Thankfully, someone stopped the tape after about 20 mins, but for the family especially, it was absolutely awful.