Nice people thread part 4 - sugar and spice and all things

fc123

PasturesNew wrote: »

Old just needed assistance... couldn't remember how to turn the TV on. We've been through this many times in recent months ..... turning it on at the wall would have been a great start.

Stuff like this I can relate to a bit as my grandfather caused my mother and her sister all sorts of worry for the decade he lived alone after his wife died. It didn't help that he had done absolutely zero household things ever in all the 65 odd years they had been together.
Very trad; he went to work for the £££ and did the garden/outside DIY, she did everything else.

Sadly, they got someone in to help around the house who turned out to less than honest as all sorts of stuff began to disapear.

Incidents I recall were blowing up meals in the microwave. My mother thought that, as he had zero cooking skills, they would make him prep meals and he could microwave them as and when. He was very suspicious of it though...peering into it trying to work out how it actually worked.
He (obviously) put metal pans in it frequently (despite a big card taped to the wall saying 'no metal in microwave), he didn't trust it to cook through frozen food in 8 mins so would set it to 20 mins or more so the food just dried up and rarely covered anything so the roof was like a sticky, spiky sculpture of crusty stuff.

Unfortunately, as his memory declined they would get calls about the telly being broken (he couldn't remember how to turn it on) and he got food poisoning from off meat and so on.

It's hard for a child to see the adult becoming less and less able.

vivatifosi

PasturesNew wrote: »

Old just needed assistance... couldn't remember how to turn the TV on. We've been through this many times in recent months ..... turning it on at the wall would have been a great start.

This is truly bizarre. I've had a conversation today about someone who has been doing exactly the same. Her husband is ill and has always done everything for her. Since she was 18 and got married he's sorted out all of the bills, the mortgage, videoed all the TV programmes they watched together, everything apart from her duties of washing and cooking. She also has not the first idea how to put the TV on and is really frustrated.

In the particular incident that I've described (which as in your case was told to me by a relative of the person) the person is extremely scared of being alone and not being able to cope. The TV is a cry for help. This person however does not have dementia, which is an additional factor in itself.

Whatever the issue, Pastures your siblings should be up and helping you. It is unfair to leave you to carry on alone when they are totally aware of the upheaval in hand.

SingleSue

PasturesNew wrote: »

I thought you were going to say "with a torch and a mirror...."

The thought did cross my mind......but then realised there would be nothing to see anyway! :rotfl:

silvercar

It didn't help that he had done absolutely zero household things ever in all the odd years they had been together.
Very trad; he went to work for the £££ and did the garden/outside DIY, she did everything else.

Reminds me of a conversation recently. Someone wondered if my father would be entitled to Attendance allowance whilst he is ill. So they start asking questions like whether he can cook for himself. He can't and never has, because she has always cooked for him. So on that basis, every man of a certain age would probably be entitled to AA!

Also applies in reverse. My mother asks at random moments questions like "where are the NI numbers kept?"

SingleSue

I can still remember ex husband's NI number, doubt he can.

I did all the financial bits, all the organising in the home and at the end of our marriage, all the cooking and cleaning too. When we split, he was completely lost at where to start arranging house contents insurance, how to pay his credit card bill, how to pay his mobile bill and where and how to pay council tax..he even asked me to sort out his car insurance as I had always done it and he had not a scoobie about where to start (I told him to go away..although not as polite as that)

He also constantly moaned about food shopping, he didn't know what to buy, how much things were or how to fit it into his work schedule and still have time to cook it and eat it....he just couldn't cope without someone doing it for him.

vivatifosi

SingleSue wrote: »

He also constantly moaned about food shopping, he didn't know what to buy, how much things were or how to fit it into his work schedule and still have time to cook it and eat it....he just couldn't cope without someone doing it for him.

Just like he can't cope with remembering he has three lovely children. I know he's nothing to do with me but God I want to headbutt him for you. Sue you're a bl**dy saint.

PasturesNew

The siblings would be useless to be honest.... one's across the country and one's now back at work reorganising everything in their schedule so they can get the time off for the big farewell event.

And they both do my head in ... neither understand the phrase "mum is elderly and you need to move slowly around her and give her quiet time/time to snooze when she looks confused/tired" - and they'd not ask "how are you feeling?" ... I'm pretty cr4p at responding to the replies, but I've at least learnt I should be asking it . They're like a herd of elephants.... and 101 other reasons they'd be unsuitable. One's bossy and one just won't be told.... so it's their way or no way and their ways have so far proven to be not suitable for the needs... complex/long-winded/can't really explain here... but they're both full on bossy personalities that don't have a clue what's what round here; what items are used/not; what items are precious/not; how the old likes food; how the house works/runs (locks, heating, quirks, foibles and annoyances). One's really panicky - and the other can't see any problems (that they're usually causing in their wake).

PasturesNew

I can hear the old on the prowl... it was bedtime about an hour ago (bizarrely they took a small bowl with them, no idea what that was about).... better go downstairs now and see what the old is up to.

neverdespairgirl

If you can, get someone who knew your father well, and is good at / doesn't mind speaking in public to give a speech. Well-chosen anecdotes from a close friend or relative really helps, I think.

My Dad always gets dragged in for this - he's not scared of public speaking (just as well, given that he's a barrister!) and is really good at striking the right note. He did it at his own mother's funeral, and also at three of his great-aunts, and my maternal grandmother's, too. He circulated a draft to close relatives beforehand, asking for comments / suggestions etc.

He mixed slight humour with genuine sincerity. I think it really helps the people attending the funeral, including you, your mother and siblings, in acceptance.

My Dad, for example, said about my Granny things such as:

As for most people of her generation, the war was a source of privation, discomfort, hunger, anxiety and wonderful memories, providing a host of stories, none of which, fortunately, faded from her recollection in later life. In fact, to the entertainment of her family and friends, where [my Grandad]’s war stories grew longer, Margaret’s became more vivid, and she reasoned that there was no reminiscence that could not benefit, after a few years, from some judicious embellishment.


And finished with:

Margaret was particularly impressive in her reaction to widowhood, old age and declining health. She adjusted without complaint or self-pity. She must indeed have been frightened by her heart condition, but remained cheerful, positive, outward-looking, and always good company. She was disciplined in her personal habits; her stiff 6 o’clock whisky and water was her only vice (so far as we know).


In the end, she died peacefully, ten days before Christmas, aged 87, having retained all her mental faculties until a few days beforehand. In her stoic, brave acceptance of the unrelenting cruelties of time, she was a magnificent example to us all. We shall all miss her deeply, but as we mourn her, we celebrate a full and exemplary life, now come to its natural end, with gratitude and love.



It's such a hard time for you, PN. However much you know it's coming, life is such an instinct in us all that death is always a shock.


<hugs>

neverdespairgirl

OH, Isaac and I got back from Devon on Sunday, and headed down to Kent, to stay with my parents for a few days - we got back to London tonight. We had a wonderful time - my sister's horse gave birth on Saturday (see below for photos of junior) and he's a gorgeous, strong, stubborn newborn!

My parents' garden is in full swing, and we picked tomatos, carrots, three types of bean, raspberries, pink and green gooseberries, cucumbers, spuds, early apples and plums, and ate most of them! Isaac adores picking something and then eating it for dinner.

My parents had just got back from a week in north Wales - a place they both visited a lot as children. Isaac was fascinated to see black and white photos of them as children on beaches building sandcastles, etc - just like his own recent trip to Devon.