Yet more financial faux pas and many other disasterous decisions

MrsMoo2U

I posted this morning but it is lost

In short I wanted to agree with everything Lula said. Also agree that it might be worth while having some counselling. It is never too late to face up to grief and some of your grief from losing your Mum at an early age may well be playing into how you are handling this whole situation (you keep saying that you have or dont want to lose your best friend and that is also grief.) When my ex left me I couldnt think straight or work out what was wrong with me. I went to the DR and he told me that (even though ex not dead) I was grieving for a loss. Counselling sessions will help you to deal with decision making on your terms.

Big hugs

RosaBernicia

hi Moo

I really think you need some space to think. And it worries me that you're not used to having that.

Cheri may have a point about counselling. Somewhere to vent and to explore things that are difficult to say anywhere else.

Rosa xx

chevalier

Sorry but make him take this place. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. It is perfect for him and HE NEEDS THE SPACE TOO. Get him gone. Come on one last burst of strength and determination. PLEASE don't let him win again. You KNOW this is just an act of his YOU KNOW that is won't last more than a few weeks. You have the perfect opportunity NOW to deal with this.
Shoving determined vibes through the core of the earth (so they pick up some steel and fire on the way) to help you finish this once and for all
chev

moo2moo

You are all so right guys in so many ways. I'm being such a wuss. Hopefully having a long weeked with just the DDs and a visiting friend will allow me to recharge and think. I need to do that more than anything. I can see myself being walked all over just don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Am being thwarted at every turn. Perhaps thwarted isn't the right word. Manipulated is better. Keep being told hes doing what I want only hes not. Hes doing what he wants. For every minor step in the right direction theres a huge leap in the wrong one.

Thusly the whinge upon me arriving home from work that he hasn't been able to make any progress with the landie because its all in the shed was met with the suggestion that he takes a car load of junk to the tip. He did but arrived home and started excavating the garden in anticipation of pouring a temporary conctrete path. Not a block paved one or a paving stone one but concrete. The implication being thats what I wanted only it couldn't be done properly because of the cost or the time it would take. Rapidly followed by the suggestion that I phone a company and get them in to do it. Means theres now a mound of earth and rubble in the middle of the lawn and a large crater just beyond the backdoor. None of which I wanted, needed or even suggested. More annoyingly it won't progress any further because I'm working today... and we don't have enough cement and we've things planned the day after and I've a friend coming to stay and hes away for the weekend and and and and I could scream. I know full well that it will remain in its present state for weeks and it will be all "my fault" that it goes no further. Am sick of this sort of crap. Am even more frustrated that I don't seem to be able to do a sodding thing about it. I'm being maneuveured to the point where I have to leave simply because he won't.

Fun fun fun.

Meanwhile I've ironed, rehung the curtains and cleaned the sofa. Its almost like I'm erasing every trace of myself room by room, not that theres much trace of anything of mine. Pretty sure it wouldn't take much more than a car load for eveything of mine to be removed from the house and the same for the DDs which is appauling in one sense but makes for a very easy start in the other.

Really do need some space just to think.

Lula-Hula

Moo,

pushing away someone you have loved & the familiarity of the life you have is not easy. I do know that, from my own experience & at the time you do tend to wonder just how much of 'you the person' actually still exists.

You are such a huge character when all this crap is going on, so just imagine how F***ing Fabulous you'll be without it. ( Think Robin Williams as Genie in the original Aladdin ... " ... phenomenal cosmic powers ... " .

chevalier

moo2moo wrote: »

You are all so right guys in so many ways.One of the benefits of the internet lots of life experience to draw on, far more than you might normally be able to have input from.

I'm being such a wuss. Hopefully having a long weeked with just the DDs and a visiting friend will allow me to recharge and think. Hope the telling the girls goes as well as it can. Be honest with your friend too. I would imagine she would help you pack his crap and stay to send him on his way:D. If she is a really good friend she will help you hide the body:D:D

I need to do that more than anything. I can see myself being walked all over just don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Am being thwarted at every turn. Well of course you are his doormat (how he sees you never us), is playing the game any more, which will always bring out his really !!!!!! side even without drink.

Perhaps thwarted isn't the right word. Manipulated is better. Keep being told hes doing what I want only hes not. Hes doing what he wants. For every minor step in the right direction theres a huge leap in the wrong one. Yep and every time he DELIBERATELY gets it wrong, it is a chance to shift the blame to you, don't fall for this ploy any more.

Thusly the whinge upon me arriving home from work that he hasn't been able to make any progress with the landie because its all in the shed was met with the suggestion that he takes a car load of junk to the tip. He did but arrived home and started excavating the garden in anticipation of pouring a temporary conctrete path.Amazing he went himself! Can I just ask why you didn't stay stop? Or was he a total git and did it when you weren't there?

Not a block paved one or a paving stone one but concrete. The implication being thats what I wanted only it couldn't be done properly because of the cost or the time it would take. Rapidly followed by the suggestion that I phone a company and get them in to do it. :mad::mad::mad:This would be it for me. Tell him to go to the nice reasonably priced pad you found or be homeless, either way it is no longer any concern of yours.....

Means theres now a mound of earth and rubble in the middle of the lawn and a large crater just beyond the backdoor. None of which I wanted, needed or even suggested. More annoyingly it won't progress any further because I'm working today... and we don't have enough cement and we've things planned the day after and I've a friend coming to stay and hes away for the weekend and and and and I could scream.So scream. Then get the friend to help you and DD do the block path you want. Make sure you empty any bank account with money in it to do it too. Then it is no longer a problem and you will have stopped enabling him to make you feel guilty.

I know full well that it will remain in its present state for weeks and it will be all "my fault" that it goes no further. Am sick of this sort of crap. Am even more frustrated that I don't seem to be able to do a sodding thing about it. I'm being maneuveured to the point where I have to leave simply because he won't. Of course this is what he wants. He is a lazy sod so far easier (for him) to make you and DD's move out and start all over again. He IS REALLY REALLY REALLY A SELFISH GIT TO BE PUSHING YOU TO DO THIS AND TO HIS DAUGHTERS TOO. Also remember that you both (i am assuming) have an interest in this property and you have to protect it. I can see him in a drunken strop taking a lump hammer to a load bearing wall or something, and then having a massive reconstruction bill.

SO YOU STAY.

Meanwhile I've ironed, rehung the curtains and cleaned the sofa. Its almost like I'm erasing every trace of myself room by room, not that theres much trace of anything of mine. That is sad. but what about the furniture etc?

Pretty sure it wouldn't take much more than a car load for eveything of mine to be removed from the house and the same for the DDs which is appauling in one sense but makes for a very easy start in the other.

Really do need some space just to think.

Then take this weekend to do just that. I am sure your friend will be a good sounding board. And don't leave it with the DD for much longer either. They will know something is up already. Far better for them to know what is happening than them imagining something far worse.

I am guessing you haven't told the wider family yet. Because then it will be real won't it. A point will have been passed.....

Please don't feel unempowered. WE are powering you! He is in the wrong here. Don't forget that.

Also you are shell shocked, that is why you might feel a bit stuck. I hope that after the weekend you will be able to see a path through to a better future.

chev

MrsMoo2U

moo2moo wrote: »

You are all so right guys in so many ways.I usually find that *strangers* can see things so much more objectively and clearly than friends in RL who know you. I'm being such a wuss. No You are not, you are scared and that is natural, you just need to feel the fear and do it anyway. Remember the last time you did something that caused an adrenaline rush that you loved so much you had to do again? Now remember the fear that came just before that moment that almost stopped you from doing it and how you thought you were a wuss and gave yourself a talking to. Hopefully having a long weeked with just the DDs and a visiting friend will allow me to recharge and think. I need to do that more than anything. How about taking the tent and going away for the weekend to somewhere neutral that might help you to think a bit more clearly.I can see myself being walked all over just don't seem to be able to do anything about it.You know that you can, see my feel the fear and do it anyway Am being thwarted at every turn. Perhaps thwarted isn't the right word. Manipulated is better. Keep being told hes doing what I want only hes not. Hes doing what he wants. For every minor step in the right direction theres a huge leap in the wrong one. I agree with Chev here. He is doing these things on purpose to make you feel that you have no power.

Thusly the whinge upon me arriving home from work that he hasn't been able to make any progress with the landie because its all in the shed was met with the suggestion that he takes a car load of junk to the tip. He did but arrived home and started excavating the garden in anticipation of pouring a temporary conctrete path. Not a block paved one or a paving stone one but concrete. The implication being thats what I wanted only it couldn't be done properly because of the cost or the time it would take. Rapidly followed by the suggestion that I phone a company and get them in to do it. Means theres now a mound of earth and rubble in the middle of the lawn and a large crater just beyond the backdoor. None of which I wanted, needed or even suggested. More annoyingly it won't progress any further because I'm working today... and we don't have enough cement and we've things planned the day after and I've a friend coming to stay and hes away for the weekend and and and and I could scream. Yep scream is what I would do too. Have you thought that this is another control issue, by doing this he might think that you need him around to finish the job off. I know full well that it will remain in its present state for weeks and it will be all "my fault" that it goes no further. So let it stay like that - tell him you are not bothered, leave it dont provide money to buy concrete or anything else. Then when he moves out do with it as you will in the manner that you actually want it. Is there a LETS scheme near to you? Can you get somebody in to help via the LETS scheme. Am sick of this sort of crap. Am even more frustrated that I don't seem to be able to do a sodding thing about it. I'm being maneuveured to the point where I have to leave simply because he won't. Take advice on this before you do anything. If you feel that you need to leave in order to get him to leave (I have done this in a past relationship but sought advice) then so be it. Women's Aid and a solicitor will be able to advise you. If you have the children I would imagine that you will be given the right to stay in the house. The problem in the short term would be the animals so you need to think carefully about this. Is it possible that you can find a property to rent for you the girls and the animals nearby? This might just be the way forward as a clean start might do you all good. Just think about it and dont feel pushed into anything, take your time DO NOT let him be the one to control the situation.

Fun fun fun.

Meanwhile I've ironed, rehung the curtains and cleaned the sofa. Its almost like I'm erasing every trace of myself room by room, not that theres much trace of anything of mine. Pretty sure it wouldn't take much more than a car load for eveything of mine to be removed from the house and the same for the DDs which is appauling in one sense but makes for a very easy start in the other.

Really do need some space just to think.

Do you have anywhere that you can go to just on your own? Would OH take care of the girls for a few days so that you can just go away somewhere and have some space.

Tesco_points_addict

Oh moo, i've been awol and look whats happened:eek:

If you were reading your own diary as an outsider you would be tamping at what 'you' have put up with.

He needs to go, whether its for months or forever (weeks is certainly not long enough to sort himself out)

You and your girls deserve so much more, you as their mum are the only person that can make this right for them, in the long run, they will (and probably OH) thank you. If you don't sort things your girls will think this is normal behaviour and will probably choose similar men themselves.

Big hugs

TPAxx

RosaBernicia

I am confused about why a grown adult can't walk to his own shed. Or have a sensible conversation about plans to change your home. Or expects his mistakes to be fixed at vast expense despite all your efforts at debt busting.

I know that you know him in ways that aren't apparent to us, and that you have a history together... but his current behaviour is really not what I would want for the father of my children. And the others are right, your DDs will pick up on it.

I think you should have some space - and that you should also make time to do something purely FUN from YOUR point of view. Just so you can remember who you are, and what you need.

(hugs)

Rosa xx

MrsMoo2U

just wanted to send hugs.................. been thinking about you and hope that you are getting by if not OK