Yet more financial faux pas and many other disasterous decisions

Trying_to_be_good

Moo - we're all here for you, as your virtual fan club, no matter where we are geographically.

We're rooting for you and the girls. And that OH comes to his senses, if that's what's best for you all. (((huge hugs)))

lucielle

Aww MOo, ditto what everybody else says and be strong.
L

rupe34

Moo - have been awol a couple of days - and have just caught up. Have nothing of use to add - so accept a virtual hug from me. xx

chevalier

moo2moo wrote: »

Thanks guys.

Its been an interesting sort of a day. Walked in the door to an OH on the war path. Walked rapidly out the door with the hound from hell to calm down having spontaneously erupted. Reappeared several hours later to find the house totally and utterly devoid of Land Rover bits. Tis astounding how big the place actually is. OH has packed but has neglected to take his bag with him. Me thinks there are more fireworks to come. :eek::eek: Oh help erm. Wow to there being no landy bits. How did he manage that. Actually no probably don't want to know. But interesting he took them...

Once I'd calmed down it was all surprisingly civilised. Its not quite the way I'd anticipated spending this years wedding anniversary but I did manage to get a fabulous nights sleep in DD2s extremely tidy bedroom. Timing sucks but on the other hand, dates like this have a habit of bringing situations to a head.

Woke up feeling on top of the world... feel like I've lost everything but I haven't actually lost anything that matters apart from what used to be my best friend. Think thats going to be the hardest bit. Not surprising to be at 6's and 7's emotionally. YOU have finally made a decision which is a great emotion lifter in and of itself. Humans don't like being 'stuck' and you have been for a while. On the other hand you are having to accept that a) nothing you could do could save a marriage you have invested a lot of time in. And b) that OH likes something more than you and his DD's so can't try and save his relationship at this time. That must be very hard to deal with.

Not sure if this is a temporary thing or a permanent one. OH isn't someone the DDs need in their lives right now. Whether he can revert back to the person he used to be before alcohol took a hold is another matter entirely. AND IT IS ENTIRELY UP TO HIM. HE has to make the commitment to change. He has to realise what he is on the verge of losing. For some alcoholics on the precipice of REALLY self destructive behaviour, losing ones family is the turning point. For some there is no turning point. I really hope that your OH is the former, but you have to prepare youself and the girls for the fact, that he may never surface from alcoholism, and that person is forever gone. Really really hard I know.

Now need to get my head around the very basics. Like calling working tax credits? Council Tax? Mortgage company?
And what is he going to pay towards the girls.....

At this point in time I'm two weeks from payday and can lay my hands on £500 give or take a bit. That sounds doable.

My biggest and yet the easiest to solve headache is him not being around to look after the DDs whilst I'm at work. It'll take a lot of phone calls but I'm pretty sure I can arrange for them to spend mornings at friends houses and then bring the friends home to play for the afternoon or another day entirely. Equally my dads not overly busy at the mo. so he'd drop everything and come to stay if I asked him. Make sure you use the offers that you can. Some people I am sure will rally round in a crisis.

Absolute worst case I have £50 to last a fortnight. I have £30 worth of E-bay auctions ending today which will bump that up nicely and I'm sure I can dig up at least another £50 if I have to. Sounds eminiently doable especially if you don't have to pay for childcare.

Its not a lot but it is enough to cover everything we need between now and payday. Need to get my head around the finances asap. Will shop this afternoon to stock up on absolute essentials that way at least I'll know theres enough food in the house to cover the next fortnight. Or as late as possible to get all the whoopsied stuff for the freezer. Don't forget oats and lentils to bulk things out. Or am I preaching to the converted there!

Have lots of seeds left over and its still earliry enough in the year to plant another few rows of beans, peas and beetroot plus I'm pretty sure there are lots of other things that will give me a late summer crop. The more stuff we can grow the better and the sooner I make a start on that the sooner we can eat it which will make money go an awful lot further. And any surplus plants you can sell.

Its looking like I'm going to be spending my mornings at work, my afternoons in the garden and my evenings doing housey things. At least theres no chance of me not being occupied. Make sure you factor in some DD time and some ME time as well. Just because he isn't there does not mean that he can't share the DD duty already at weekends or whatever. They are still his repsonsibility too...

Am going to blow what little remaining Amazon credit I have on the next book in the Hovel in the Hills series which will give me something to look forward to. Its a small thing but I think I'm going to need it. And remember to go back to the surveys to refresh your balances.

I now have four days left to get myself to a point where the DDs and I can have a fresh start. Need to get my head in order before telling them. The last thing I need to do is to cry whilst telling them which means the tears will all be over and done with by Tuesday. Or at least the tears in front of DD's. I am sure that you may well be crying into your pillow at night for a while yet, or on long walks with the hound from hell.

Thats long enough. OH isn't dead, well the part of him I fell in love with is, but the rest of hims still about. Need to make sure that they know they can see as much of him as and when they want to and they can phone him at any time because at the end of it all hes still there dad. Whilst this is a laudable aim, please don't be surprised if he is not there for them. Alcohol is very very tempting......

Whilst I am sorry for you in one way that your marriage is coming to an end. I am NOT sorry that you made the decision. I think that you will feel far more calm and centred now that you don't have the stress of trying to decide what is the right thing for everyone.

Your DD's will cope. It WILL be hard on you all at first. But I think as per usual the most important thing is consistency. In what you both do if possible.

I wish you the very best of luck on this new stage of your life. I think you will have a few wobbles. And I am sorry to say that I am sure OH will cause many of them. But in the end this is the right thing for you to do now.

chev

scubaangel

Oh moo, I'm so sorry it's got to this but you and your DD's will survive it.

I was a little older than your two when my parents split up but after the first few weeks of the house feeling weird with only one parent in it all of a sudden my sister and I realised just how much happier our mum was not living with our Dad - and to be quite honest just how pathetic our Dad was without her holding things together for him (still have nightmares about him trying to cook after an incident when my sister and I walked the dog and coming home to see a fire engine outside the house!)

I hope that it gives oh the kick up the arris he needs to realise just how destructive his drink habit is if he's living with you and the girls or not. xx

Lula-Hula

Dearest Moo,

I refrained from posting this immediately after reading your news re the OH; mainly because I couldn't think of a nice way to put it that doesn't come across as mean.

I've been thinking all night & still can't so I'm just going to say it & hope you take it in the spirit that it comes from my heart.

Frankly, I'm relieved that you now have some time by yourself to reassess your life without any added stress.

As longs as we've been posting on each others diaries I admit that there have been periods of time when I've just been unable to read yours as I just couldn't bear to feel the desperation & hope as you optimistically thought that your OH was 'finally' making the necessary changes.

You have been incredibly brave & strong, as any working women with children who have lived with an addict / dependancy case can testify. Eventually they either drag you under with them or you reach your tipping point.

Someone as multi-skilled, hard working, cheerful & determined as yourself will always survive & that is your destiny so do not feel guilty that you could no longer carry your OH as well. He has to find his own way through this dependcy & you are helping him by releasing him to concentrate on just that. It may take him a long time & you need to understand that if you want the man you fell in love with back. He needs to want that person back too.

Having made the break, aside from the emotional fall out you must be practical for now. Contact your local council as you will be eligible for a discount on the council tax & also submit a claim for Tax Credits. You can always make changes again if you're able to restart your relationship with OH.

Don't be fooled into thinking & hoping things will be back to normal in a couple of weeks. Also dont' be guilted by your feelings for your DDs. They are old enough to be told that alcohol is making their Dad a complete @rse - although there is probably a nicer way of putting that - & that his behaviour is unacceptable & unpleasant to live with.

How you deal with this may well have a bearing on their future relationships & what they expect to have contend with in a relationship / marriage.

One day at a time for now & you'll soon be enjoying life again, you're an irrespressible force & don't your forget it.

Best wishes & pm box always open if you need a private & swearful rant

xx

moo2moo

Aaagh. !!!!!!! PC ate my post. The muchly abridged for is thusly one shoebox in a shared house will set OH back £500 a month, his own place closer to £800 for an unfurnished bedsit plus bills, more for somewhere big enough for the DDs to visit. Means its far cheaper to buy although will take much longer to sort out. I'm moving into DD2s room for the time being. It will work out for the best in the long run. Short term its not the best move but hes away this weekend and the week after that so I won't see that much of him for the next few weeks anyway. Hes sober at the mo and promises to remain so. Yes, yes I know, I've heard that one before. Hopefully involving the DDs in the house hunt will give them some sense of involvement rather than simply discovering that their world has been inverted in their absence. Will also mean that theres more money available each month to cover the things they need rather than finding that renting eats up all OHs wage and the fuel to see them wipes out the remainder.

Landie has been moved to the shed at the bottom of the garden which is bigger than a lot of the studio flats on offer and goes quite some way to explaining why I was as cheesed off at it littering the house.

Am sick of being made to feel guilty about things that I've had nothing to do with. Think OH is finally realising this. Obviously there are more eloquent ways of putting my point across but I seem to be managing OK.

Chick no. 2 is no more. Mummy hen ate it.

Spent a smidgen more than intended at Mr Ts but not ridiculously more and got most of the stuff DD1 needs for her first day at high school.

Harry Potter tapes sold for £45 on E-bay. Whoopeeee! All packaged up and going in the post tonight.

Plans for today involve much more cleaning, tidying and generally getting on and doing things that need doing. Quite why OH offered to concrete a path last night is beyond me.

moo2moo

Lula (and everyone else) .... thank you!

Bitsy_Beans

A completely side issue but I didn't realise mummy hens ate their babies! I have always longed for chickens but not sure I could cope now.....it's been bad enough with my killer cat catching baby fledgling birds :eek:

As for concereting the path? Hmmmm is your OH trying to make peace by offering to do something he seems to think you want doing? Pity he couldn't have done that sooner with the Landy parts.

MrsMoo2U

Lula, what a fabulous and eloquent post. Everything that I wanted to say but had no idea where to start. Thank you from me.

Moo - dont forget to take some time out for yourself over the next few days while the girls are away and you have the opportunity to do so. The housework can wait (it is all you ever seem to do after all) but your peace of mind wont. Go out and do something that would normally make your heart sing (even if it doesnt manage it right now)