Friendship Advice

jamespir

bleh wrote: »

Hello,

This is kind of embarassing asking for advice but i think its best asking people who don't know the individuals so they don't give a bias point of view.

Basically...I am a girl and I have a guy friend at work. We are 26 years old. We a work collegues (as mentioned) and last few months we became really close friends. He talks to me everyday at work, always helps me out and always comes and teases me. He also texts me almost every night and we text until late. People think he likes me...but I don't think he does because the thing is...

He is so sweet to me through text and at work sometimes but mostly at work, he really really teases me and its getting worse. Like he always puts me down and winds me up and sometimes really horrible. Sounds strange that we are good friends but i know he's a sweet person. Usually i am quite laid back and don't care about the teasing but sometimes it can get too much.

So basically, the last several days, i have been extremely stressed with general stuff and he was teasing me and winding me up and saying whats wrong with me even though he knew i was stressed and i really shouted at him. He was still ok with me after i shouted at him but i hardly spoke to him for a few days as i didnt want to be wound up when i was stressed.

Now he won't speak to me properly and i don't know why. Its really upsetting cos he gets me though normal working days.

Was i in the wrong? He's kind of stubborn so I don't know if he's going to speak to me again. He tells me he cares about me so maybe i hurt him? I don't know.

Please enlighten me on this situation!!

this may sound strange but (not me ) some men show their affection for a girl by humiilliating or emabarrasing them because they find just the normal route difficult

i always remeber a lad at school who fancied this girl yet he always seemed to go out of his way to make her cry not because he was a bully but because he couldnt show his real feelings so this was his way of doing it

glossgal

No offence but you both sound about 12.

I would say he fancies you but is unable to express it so as other people have said he is regressing into latency mode and lashing out instead. Like I said it's the kind of behaviour that i last remember encountering at school! (and primary school at that)

Do you really want to be friends with someone this immature? if not just keep things polite from now on but back off on anything outside of work. He sounds like a problem waiting to happen.

Pepzofio

glossgal wrote: »

No offence but you both sound about 12.

^^This, quite frankly.

Sorry OP, but you both sound as bad as each other to me. As far as I can see:

You are good friends outside work and have a quite a jokey relationship in general, this has been noticed by colleagues who refer to you as 'an old married couple'. You respond by insulting him ("Huh - like I'd ever marry HIM!" type comments) - he responds in kind (comments about not finding you attractive etc etc) but you get sulky.

You shout at him for upsetting you (having never previously mentioned that it upset you), then ignore him for a few days. He then ignores you and you get all upset about that.

You say you want to stop being friends with him because he is so horrible, but when he's not speaking to you you can't bear it...

You say you want him to treat you 'like he treats everyone else' - maybe he doesn't feel he can be as jokey with them as they aren't close friends like you are? Is he always the first person to help them when they need it, like you say he is with you?

As you say he's really nice outside of work it sounds to me like he's probably trying to distance himself from the office gossip about the pair of you (in much the same way as you are). No wonder he says you can't take a joke!

To be honest you seem to expect him to take your insults without batting a eyelid, but when the boot's on the other foot you expect him to be all sensitive towards your feelings... Although you also say you are normally totally fine with it, it's just when you're in a bad mood/stressed that it bugs you!

...But then it's getting worse and worse and you can't stand it... Which is it?

You say you know/strongly suspect he likes you, but you do not feel that way about him. So either:

(a) You do like him.
(b) You just like all the attention... As long as it's on your terms.

Sorry if this all comes across as a bit harsh, but you did say you wanted an outsider's perspective. I also think you've had plently of very sympathetic responses, so maybe one coming more from how he might see things will help you to understand where he might be coming from.

Good luck getting it all sorted, anyway.

bleh

glossgal wrote: »

No offence but you both sound about 12.

I would say he fancies you but is unable to express it so as other people have said he is regressing into latency mode and lashing out instead. Like I said it's the kind of behaviour that i last remember encountering at school! (and primary school at that)

Do you really want to be friends with someone this immature? if not just keep things polite from now on but back off on anything outside of work. He sounds like a problem waiting to happen.

None offence taken. I can see how it comes across immature but I am usually a mature person. I just want a normal friendship like i do with everyone else. I feel like he's making me go to his immature level.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd say he has a crush on you.

And this is the modern equivalent of tugging on your pigtails or putting worms in your bookbag.

bleh

Pepzofio wrote: »

^^This, quite frankly.

Sorry OP, but you both sound as bad as each other to me. As far as I can see:

You are good friends outside work and have a quite a jokey relationship in general, this has been noticed by colleagues who refer to you as 'an old married couple'. You respond by insulting him ("Huh - like I'd ever marry HIM!" type comments) - he responds in kind (comments about not finding you attractive etc etc) but you get sulky.

You shout at him for upsetting you (having never previously mentioned that it upset you), then ignore him for a few days. He then ignores you and you get all upset about that.

You say you want to stop being friends with him because he is so horrible, but when he's not speaking to you you can't bear it...

You say you want him to treat you 'like he treats everyone else' - maybe he doesn't feel he can be as jokey with them as they aren't close friends like you are? Is he always the first person to help them when they need it, like you say he is with you?

As you say he's really nice outside of work it sounds to me like he's probably trying to distance himself from the office gossip about the pair of you (in much the same way as you are). No wonder he says you can't take a joke!

To be honest you seem to expect him to take your insults without batting a eyelid, but when the boot's on the other foot you expect him to be all sensitive towards your feelings... Although you also say you are normally totally fine with it, it's just when you're in a bad mood/stressed that it bugs you!

...But then it's getting worse and worse and you can't stand it... Which is it?

You say you know/strongly suspect he likes you, but you do not feel that way about him. So either:

(a) You do like him.
(b) You just like all the attention... As long as it's on your terms.

Sorry if this all comes across as a bit harsh, but you did say you wanted an outsider's perspective. I also think you've had plently of very sympathetic responses, so maybe one coming more from how he might see things will help you to understand where he might be coming from.

Good luck getting it all sorted, anyway.

Been a long time since I've been on here.

1. I only said that because he was being horrible to me. Its not usually like me to come out with them comments or be so immature but it was out of frustration. Thats the only horrible comment i came out with.

2. I used to tell him off but as the insults got worse or increased to the point where whenever i spoke to him, he somehow had to insult me i started shouting at him. When he speaks to me in front of other people, he'll insult me as well. Its kinda embarassing.

3. I am not a horrible person. I don't like upsetting people. Even my worse enemies (I don't have any, but if i did).

4. He does help other people but majority me. However, he likes to remind me when he's helped me.

5. We were out for a drink and a work collegue walked past. We said hello and she said in a joking manner, "are you two on a date?", i said no, we are just relaxing. He said i should have said we were on a date, it doesnt matter what they think.

5. Like i said, I don't insult him. Never insult his looks or personality as he does with me. I know he's joking as he always texting me outside work and always in my space at work but imagine someone constantly joking about your looks and personality whenever they talk to you and in front of people. Kinda embarassing and boring after a while.

bleh

Update...

When i wasn't speaking to him, he went really quiet and me being me and a nice person, i started slowly speaking to him again and he was cool. He was really nice to me and he did me a really big favour at work one day and did extra overtime just to help me. I am a sucker, i know but like i said, i don't like hurting people even when they are horrible to me. Its not the person i am. So i have only myself to blame.

He's found another way to annoy me now. He's keeps saying that he wants to help me get together with this guy at work, who i dont even know that well. He says he thinks thats the type of guy i go for, even though i never said that. At every oppurtunity, he'll take a swipe and saying i should get with this guy. He also talks about my best friend and wants to get with her, even though he's met her once for like 2 hours. I've invited him out with me and her though but he never turns up.

To sum up, he is very immature and I can't believe at his age, he is behaving this way. Don't understand him. Its hard to get away from him, believe me. We are in each others faces 9 to 5 and have the same friends at work. I think i've just become accustomed to him because i've had to. At least he has a sweet side too. When i was upset, he was the only one who was realised and tried to cheer me up so he's not a complete monster. Just a very immature one.

Thanks for the advice guys.

babymoo

Stop dancin round each other n just kiss already!! I can feel the sexual tension from here!

Tropez

bleh wrote: »

Update...

When i wasn't speaking to him, he went really quiet and me being me and a nice person, i started slowly speaking to him again and he was cool. He was really nice to me and he did me a really big favour at work one day and did extra overtime just to help me. I am a sucker, i know but like i said, i don't like hurting people even when they are horrible to me. Its not the person i am. So i have only myself to blame.

He's found another way to annoy me now. He's keeps saying that he wants to help me get together with this guy at work, who i dont even know that well. He says he thinks thats the type of guy i go for, even though i never said that. At every oppurtunity, he'll take a swipe and saying i should get with this guy. He also talks about my best friend and wants to get with her, even though he's met her once for like 2 hours. I've invited him out with me and her though but he never turns up.

To sum up, he is very immature and I can't believe at his age, he is behaving this way. Don't understand him. Its hard to get away from him, believe me. We are in each others faces 9 to 5 and have the same friends at work. I think i've just become accustomed to him because i've had to. At least he has a sweet side too. When i was upset, he was the only one who was realised and tried to cheer me up so he's not a complete monster. Just a very immature one.

Thanks for the advice guys.

Clearly, he fancies you.

He's talking about this other woman to try and see if you're jealous.

He's talking up this bloke to try and see whether you're "saving yourself" for him.

Has he had many girlfriends? He sounds like the typical man who is too shy/nervous/paranoid to ask a girl out himself and has therefore probably limited experience in actually taking that step, is possibly upset that you're making it clear that you're not dating as this may be making him realise his dream won't come true as it were, and is clumsily trying to make you jealous rather than just simply saying, "Hey, would you like to have dinner one night?".

Emmzi

I'd change jobs. I never ever ever ever date people at work and that's what he is gearing up for. And you, but you are in denial.

Get a new job.