Friendship Advice

bleh

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

I have very limited experience with men, but I know that they really do speak a different language when it comes to emotions and stuff. I find that when you're a girl who's mates with a bloke they treat you like they would another bloke friend, and they inadvertantly hurt you because they don't understand our female emotions. He's probably backed off because he know's he's hurt you, doesn't quite understand what the problem was because you've always been 'fine' with the teasing before, so now the rules and boundaries of your friendship have changed and he's not sure where he stands. He's being stubborn because he probably doesn't think he did anything wrong to deserve being shouted at - why would he if you've never told him?

Do him a favour, talk to him, explain what happened, how you've been feeling and why you lost your rag. Don't go accusing him of anything, try something like:

"you probably don't realise and that's my fault because I've never told you, but I find it very hurtful when you tease me at work to the extent that you do. I didn't say anything because I really value your friendship, but I should have explained sooner and I'm sorry. That's why I snapped the other day. I'm hoping that we can still be friends and go back to how we were, just without the teasing."

Oh, and you need to listen to his thoughts too, really listen and think before you react so that you don't both end up just accusing each other of stuff. Accept what he says and clear the air. He will have been hurt by your shouting at him so you may need to apologise for that.

Again, that's how I'd do it, but other people will probably have better ideas. I just find that telling someone how their behaviour makes you feel without making them feel guilty or bad about it, hopefully stops them getting defensive and throwing accusations back at you.

He's mates with other girls and he isn't like that with them. The thing is I don't mind him teasing me etc but i was just on a short temper, that's why i shouted. I know if i told him i didn't like it, he would act differently with me because thats how he is with me and he may not know how the other way to be.

Tropez

Did you shout at him in the office, in front of everyone? He could well feel embarrassed and humiliated. Nobody likes being torn a new one in front of people they have to see every day.

bleh

Tropez wrote: »

Did you shout at him in the office, in front of everyone? He could well feel embarrassed and humiliated. Nobody likes being torn a new one in front of people they have to see every day.

No, it was just me and him. I would never go that far and embarass him or bring attention to it.

There_Goes_Trouble

bleh wrote: »

The thing is I don't mind him teasing me etc but i was just on a short temper, that's why i shouted.

But that's just it, you can't 'not mind' the teasing one day, but 'mind' it another day! That's not fair on him.

If that's the case though then just apologise for shouting, tell him you were in a bad mood and to just ignore it. But I suspect it'll happen again if you do that because the teasing clearly does upset you to a degree, you said as much in your first post.

but mostly at work, he really really teases me and its getting worse. Like he always puts me down and winds me up and sometimes really horrible.

It's up to you really.

Tropez

bleh wrote: »

No, it was just me and him. I would never go that far and embarass him or bring attention to it.

Okay, well he still probably feels embarassed anyway. Basically, he would have had his own definition of your friendship in his head and presumably without much warning he finds himself being yelled at for the way he is behaving towards you. You're certainly in the right to pull someone up on behaviour that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable, but even so, his idea of what your friendship was has been changed and he may therefore be wary about speaking to you for fear of upsetting you again.

And some people do act sheepish for a while when they've been admonished. It is a defensive trait in some people - nobody wants to upset the people they care about so when they find out that they have done they burrow away for a while until they feel that the air is clear again. He may feel that there's still something of a cloud hanging over the friendship at the moment and feel uncomfortable with "just carrying on" for a while.

bleh

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

But that's just it, you can't 'not mind' the teasing one day, but 'mind' it another day! That's not fair on him.

If that's the case though then just apologise for shouting, tell him you were in a bad mood and to just ignore it. But I suspect it'll happen again if you do that because the teasing clearly does upset you to a degree, you said as much in your first post.



It's up to you really.

I don't mind it on a normal basis because I can have a laugh and his teasing is just stupidity most of the time, because foremost, he's always the first person to help me when i need help. The problem i was having was that he knew i was stressed and he was teasing me in a horrible way in front of everyone which is why i shouted, instead of trying to help me, which is all i wanted.

The more i think about it, the more i realise, I shouldn't apologise when he was being horrible...a friend should be there for someone who is stressed, not tease them. I just don't know what his problem is to be honest. I don't understand him as he's so nice to me outside work.

But i am over it and i want things to go back to normal but he's the one being weird now. Maybe he's giving me a taste of my own medicine. i hate him sometimes.

bleh

Tropez wrote: »

Okay, well he still probably feels embarassed anyway. Basically, he would have had his own definition of your friendship in his head and presumably without much warning he finds himself being yelled at for the way he is behaving towards you. You're certainly in the right to pull someone up on behaviour that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable, but even so, his idea of what your friendship was has been changed and he may therefore be wary about speaking to you for fear of upsetting you again.

And some people do act sheepish for a while when they've been admonished. It is a defensive trait in some people - nobody wants to upset the people they care about so when they find out that they have done they burrow away for a while until they feel that the air is clear again. He may feel that there's still something of a cloud hanging over the friendship at the moment and feel uncomfortable with "just carrying on" for a while.

Thats probably it. However, he's kind of stubborn so i think this ''uncomfortableness'' is going to carry on from his side as he's never been like this at work before and will probably just stay away from me, even though I am totally fine with him and he said he's cool with me, but he is obviously not.

ashaput

all the teases and wind up...been there
may be this is his way to attract your attention. As you said he's not like this to his other girl friends. From your story you two are stubborn. If you want to make everything back to normal it should be you to melt the ice in your relationship. Take him out to drink or do anything you both like. Tell him you are sorry to shout him and it doesn't feel good to be teased everyday. Stay cheer up. I envy your friendship with him.

bleh

Ha no need to be envious. I don't know what there is to be envious about!

First weekend in ages he hasn't text me...so he's got a issue. I can get over him being horrible but can't understand why he can't get over it

Think I might just leave him be and see how is towards me this week. I'm hoping he'll go back to normal

bleh

A little update...I'm so down

Basically, we made up...I said sorry but his attitude towards me is getting worse and upsetting me.

He's really nice to me outside work. He wanted to go out, me and him, so we went out for a meal after work on Tuesday and had a laugh. However today, he was really horrible to me, playing unfunny practical jokes and making horrible comments and then said I can't take a joke when I didn't find it funny.

I can take jokes and I'm not a sensitive person, however he always speaks to me in a horrible manner and makes out I'm hideous looking with childish comments. If he was like this now and again...I could take it but he's like this all the time now to the point where I prefer not talking to him.

I don't know what to do. I've never been treated this way before and I don't think he likes me because why would you be horrible to someone you like?

I just want him to be nice to me like he is with everyone else and how he is outside work! He must hate me. Or am I too sensitive?