Real Life MMD: What should I do about the bridemaid's weight?

libra1977

no_choice_now wrote: »

In fairness I hate fat people so don't have them as friends. I know that makes me a hypocrite but I don't care.

Well done for the most ridiculous comment on this board so far, and boy have you had some competition! How you can possibly generalise like that is beyond me. I don't think "fat" people are really missing out here, I would suggest that you would struggle to be friends with anyone regardless of their size.

libra1977

M3NDEREZ wrote: »

Yes, I would treat a man differently. I'd point blank tell him that he'd gotten fat, and that he owed me for the suit hire or he could eat less lard, the tubby beggar! And you know what? He'd take it on the chin, because we men are far more rational about such things.. A woman I'd have exactly the same viewpoint with, but would approach somewhat more cautiously.. So obviously, I have double standards..

Personally I don't see what the issue is with telling the little heffer she needs to slim down or not be a bridesmaid.. After all, you're buying the dress, surely she has to accept a little responsibility for her own size? Entirely different matter if she was buying the dress herself; Okay, so you might be a little disappointed that Shamoo was in your wedding photo's, but as a friend, you'd let it slide.. However, a wedding takes a load of planning, and untold expense, so you're just being sensible buying the dresses in advance etc.. If you've told her you'll provide the dress, she has an obligation to stay at a reasonable size..

All personal opinion of course, feel free to tell me what an absolute scumbag I am, ladies.

He probably would take it on the chin as men are less sensitive to THIS subject. However I can think of many topics where men do get tetchy, size of manhood being top of the list! Would I ridicule a man and make him feel inferior as a result, no. I guess we are just different people. I have manners and clearly, by what you have posted, you don't.

At the end of the day the bride is responsible. What bride buys the bridemaid dresses without letting her maids try them on first? How does she know what is going to suit them? Dresses are well known for varying measurements even when the exact same sizes are bought. She may have bought a size 12 in two different styles and only one would fit. And whilst on the subject of size, what do you deem as "reasonable"? Your opinion of reasonable and my opinion of reasonable would probably be different.

If I were the bridesmaid I'd give her the dress back and not attend the wedding. She is obviously not a true friend to behave in this way. Weddings should be about sharing your special day with the people you love.

scoobydoobydoo

I am sorry but I agree with the harsh comments. My sister was my BM at my first wedding and when we bought the dress (my mum and sister were both there and she did try it on) it fitted fine. 6 weeks before the wedding and she too had ballooned despite being reminded kindly by me, and I was very kind about it, that there was no time to get another dress. She insisted it would be fine. It wasnt. She practically starved herself the week before the wedding, had to be shoehorned into the dress and spent the whole day in a foul mood because the dress was cutting her in half and she felt ill from not eating. She then had the temerity to tell anyone with ears that it was my fault as I should have bought the dress in a bigger size!

With hindsight I should have been less kind and insisted she do something sooner or dropped her as a bm but I felt under pressure as we had always promised we would be each others bm's as we had never been them as children.

And the real killer is that she never asked me to be hers! She gave a crappy reason and I think its because she was still harbouring a grudge over the fact that I didnt forsee her piling on the pounds before my wedding!

Get tough. She needs to slim down or ship out. Weddings are too expensive to be messing around with selfish self deluded people who play fast and loose with your money and your day. And i say this as a confirmed yo-yo dieter myself, in the knowledge that I would make damn sure the dress fitted if it was me.

cathye555

vikki_louise wrote: »

As your a newbie and your first post is this question, I really hope I'm wrong in thinking you think it might be about you?

I'm not sure if I would confront her or not ut am sure I would spend weeks crying (both at the fact the friend posted this) and at some of the replies. I certainly wouldnt feel like being a bridesmaid to a 'friend' who posted that question up for debate

I sure hope its not about me!! Yes there are some similarities eg the time til the wedding and the size 14, but no way have i gone up to a 18, yes there are some really unflattering photos of me, but then arent there of us all? i even weighed myself and measured myself this morning just to make sure, and its still the same as it was 3 months ago.

but to all you 'fat haters' out there - theres always a reason for someone being bigger, yes be it illness or pregnancy, but theres also overeating due to negative comments about varying things in lives and im sure that anyone reading some of these comments is only going to feel 100% worse about themselves. feel proud.

Ebenezer_Screwj

Give her three options : 1. Lose weight, 2. Pay for another dress, 3. Forget about being a bridesmaid.

mich3ll3_2

i have had the exact same situation one bridesmaid promised on her own free will to lose weight to fit into the dress and we got the dresses last july and few weeks ago we had to buy new dresses as she had put on more weight than before. Weve been supportive and we were asking her if she was going to gym swimming etc, but she never done a thing... we even said if she doesnt lose weight she will have to pay and she hasnt done anything we thought would scare her into the swing of things now 6 weeks before wedding we have been forced to buy new dresses and she wasnt even bothered...... great stuff.

sharps2010

Well this has turned into a fat v thin debate rather quickly!

So have my twopenny's worth.

You're fat, who cares?

You?
Do something about it, don't give me that medical rubbish, stop eating so much crap. You don't see fat Ethiopians do you??

Other people?
**** them, it's your body to do what you like with! Just don't bloody moan about it.



On a slight tangent, I had an argument with my sister the other day due to me saying that people should be weighed 'with' their bags at the airport, I weigh 12.5st she certainly does not, but she's allowed the same baggage allowance as me... I reckon I should be able to take the extra 40kgs that she has on me if I so choose.

Let the flaming begin!

leetabix

no_choice_now wrote: »

In fairness I hate fat people so don't have them as friends. I know that makes me a hypocrite but I don't care.

This post doesn't contribute to the discussion at all and is highly derogatory towards overweight people without any reasoning given why the comment was made and how it can be justified. Personally, I am conscious about my weight and wish to remain at what I deem to be a healthy weight (i.e. BMI of 21-23 is my personal range, but 18.5 to 25 is considered medically an 'average' weight), but if someone wants to be underweight/overweight (or can't help their weight due to a medical condition), then that's their choice, and is none of my business.

For example, one of my friends is a large guy (clinically, he'd be classified as overweight due to his BMI), but he's comfortable with himself and actually vocally says that he's ok with being fat because he simply likes food, and doesn't like exercise. I'm of the opposite opinion, but who am I to force what I believe onto him - and likewise he would equally at fault for lecturing me on my decision to remain at a medically average weight.

For those who are making derogatory comments, think about the reasoning that backs up your comments - if there's no logical link between facts and your posting, then why are you posting it?

mandwhy

Some very harsh and unnecessary comments here!

I don't think if you had to get a different dress it would make her look like head bridesmaid anyway, make sure the head gets a special mention somewhere to make it clear if you have to do that.

The first thing you need to do, and quickly, is get her and all the other bridesmaids to try on their dresses! If it is a bit tight, think about alteration, you won't have much margin. If it just doesn't fit, a combination of a diet (weightwatchers will work and is quite low commitment compared to others, you or someone else should at least go to the first meeting with her) some exercise like swimming or cycling and of course shapewear, will probably make it all fine on the day, she has 6 weeks so like someone said, 2 lbs a week, but she will only have 5 weeks, 4 weeks, the longer you leave it!

Frankly I would be appalled if someone told me I couldn't be a bridesmaid because I'd let myself go, especially if I hadn't been consulted about the dress in the first place, I wouldn't even come as a guest for fear of wedding cake.

WastingMyTime

You’ve got some options:

Buy her some decent supportive underwear that ‘hold you in’ and ‘drop a dress size’.
See if she fits into the dress?
If not, is it realistic, with whatever she decides to do, be able to fit into the dress in 6 weeks?
If not, you need to decide between your bridesmaid dress and your friend.
If you decide to keep the dress then can it be modified to fit her otherwise you will need to tell her that she can’t be a bridesmaid. You may decide to ask someone else who will be able to fit into the dress for your wedding.
If you decide that you want your friend as a bridesmaid and the dress can’t be modified then you’ll need to buy alternative bridesmaids dresses.

Either way I believe it must be at your cost (either with money, time, support, etc) to rectify the problem, as it was a mistake to buy bridesmaids dress ‘sometime ago’ with the primary reason being the “price” in the knowledge that your friend’s weight fluctuates. There are alway bridesmaid dress - at a good price- all year round. I don't believe that you wouldn't be able to find suitable dresses for your wedding - right now.

Shamefully, you do not seem to give any indication that you have involved/inform your friend at all when it came to the purchase of the bridesmaids dresses. At that point you would have told her that it was a size 16 only. Not informing her early enough in the process of planning your wedding means to me that she has no responsibility to ensure that her weight remained within a certain size range, from when your purchased your bridesmaids dresses up 'n til your wedding day. If she had no knowledge of the bridesmaid dress size than I don’t believe that this is your friend’s problem. Even if she said she would like to lose weight, you should have known that (with her previous history) that it was an unachievable goal for her.

With whatever you decide I hope that you don’t lose a friend over a bridesmaids dress and a wrong decision that I think does have a solution if you are prepared to make some choices.