Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Stormybay

Thank you Dusty, I did miss it, hopefully there will be something similar again. I will look at the website again though.
I tried to buy some trousers today for next friday (funeral). Went into the shop, tried them on, then had a sort of what I can only describe as a 'panic attack'. Not that I've ever had one, but I felt sick and dizzy, thought I was going to cry and had to run out of the shop.
I feel ok now though, I came back home, DS1 made me some tea and I watched 'Over the Hedge' DVD with DD3, so now all is calm.
Hubby's best friend is coming around in a while, not sure how that will feel. I've not seen him yet, only spoken on the phone, I know he is in bits about everything.
Thank you all again for supporting me though this nightmare.....
Stormy

MinnieSpender

Stormybay

Just adding my hugs and thoughts to all those already here.

Mins x

sarymclary

Hello Stormybay,
I wanted to send you and your heartfelt wishes of condolence. This is a difficult time, and every day is like a brand new wobbly stepping stone. I was widowed in 2004, and left with 4 young children (like you no income, no insurances, etc). I too had to deal with a coroner, and there were other unpleasant issues regarding in-laws etc, but I won't go into that. Nonetheless, your mention of feeling angry did remind me of my own reactions. Initially I couldn't cry, and seemed to go into autopilot (I left half an hour after hearing the news to fetch the children from school because I couldn't think straight), then I felt absolutely livid with him for putting me into this situation. Why was I arranging a funeral, when we were meant to live to be in our 80's - he wasn't meant to leave me at 37! All I kept saying to the funeral director was that I shouldn't be doing this. The funeral was also delayed for 2 weeks, but I found some comfort in that in as much as that it meant he was still 'here'. Not sure if you can relate to that too. The funeral is where I finally crumbled. Up until then I'd tried to keep going for the children's sake, as I felt I should be strong for them, and I didn't want to scare them, but when it came it was uncontrollable. I found going to the shops 'weird' as if everyone around me could tell by looking at me that my husband had just died -totally irrational. It seemed odd that the world was still getting on with life, when mine felt like it had come to a grinding halt.

It does become more bearable, but you do have moments when it hits you like a big wave. I have lots of lovely memories that I wrap myself up with. I try to imagine his smell (I hung on to the old bed linen & wrapped it up because it had his smell), I think I hear his voice, and I expected him to walk through the door all the time. I had some odd dreams to begin with too, but now when I dream of him (and I often do) I love them because it's when I get to be with him again.
Take one day at a time, and don't feel you have to respond or react in any set way. You'll just find your own way, and that will be good enough for you. A site like this is ideal, because sometimes close friends and relatives find it hard to deal with, or understand how to cope with someone who is bereaved, so they try to change the subject away from your loved one. It's not because they don't care, but more to do with embarrassment and inexperience.

As someone has already said, there are lots of people who are right here for you, whenever you need them. Vent your spleen, or share a memory, whatever it takes, but use the opportunity whenever you feel the need.

Special thoughts are sent through the ether to you tonight. Take care.
Sarah:grouphug:

Stormybay

Oh Sarah,
The things you've said above are exactly how I am feeling and reacting. Yesterday I mostly comforted others and wiped away their tears. Hubby's best friend and another 2 friends of mine. When I went to the shop, it was just awful, I felt suffocated, weak and altogether light headed. I too have not changed the bedsheets and keep thinking I'll put them in a bag and keep them forever.......so weird.
I feel quite bad at the moment as the funeral director asked if there was anywhere people could donate to. I was angry with the hospital at the time, so I said flowers only. Hubby was in the hospital having tests and was given the 'all clear', it was when I was driving him home from there that he died!!!
Now I feel bad, as the coroner said that it was just coincedence that he's had a heat attack on the way home 3 hours after he's had dye pumped into his heart to have a look........Now I think I had asked for donation to heart research or something.
Gosh, I know I'm rambling, I just feel so sad. My dad died 6 months ago and, although I'm 43, I felt so orphaned (Mum died 7 years ago), and now I just can't get my head around the fact that I'm now widowed too with 5 children.
I feel I must go on as normal because that's the only thing I can do. My work are great and have given me another 2 weeks off with pay, but Sarah, what DO YOU DO? How do you go on? (Sorry, these are rhetorical questions), I just think......What on earth is it all about?
Sorry for going on, but trust me, it does help in some way to tell you guys this, I know people have gone through the same thing and it gives me hope.
Stormy

tkblueyonder

im largely under qualified from lack of experiences but i just wanted to equal others by sending thoughts for you and you kids. i hate sad kids

Stormybay

Thanks TK..........
Slight update I suppose, I went to see hubby today in the chapel of rest, he looked so peaceful and I left him letters from the children and a photo of us with a message on the back. I wasn't too sad, I realised that he was no longer with us and had gone to a better place where he will be forever 'Peter Pan'. He never wanted to be old and hated the thought of being looked after, he never has to do that now, forever young.
I went past his golf club earlier (he was captain in 2000) and the flag is flying at half mast.............I was really touched by this, it moved me.
Thank each and every one of you for your kind thoughts. I have been reading the DFW threads and am inspired by all the fight in you guys to become debt free. When the waters have settled in my heart, I will have to start thinking like this, as we didn't have insurances or nest eggs etc...I think I will need another focus........
Good luck for all in 2007

smokybabe

Stormbay, you have really touched me with your strength and courage. I wish you and your family all the best for what will be a difficult year for you all. You are, as you have been, in my payers and thoughts and will continue to be so. Take good care of each other.

Smoky. xxxx

nearlyrich

Stormybay I have just read the thread through and I am very sad for your loss, not been there myself but I lost my dad and I can remember getting really angry with him one day when I found his work trousers in my cupboard under the stairs, he had been doing some painting for me just before he died.

I know it won't be easy to get through the next few weeks but hang on to your good memories and look after yourself and your children.

Bargain_Rzl

Stormybay,

I hadn't read this thread until today. I just wanted to add my condolences and best wishes to everybody else's. I hope that you soon start to find the best way to deal with your grief - and also that you know that you'll get unending support on this site.

Big hugs to you and yours... love Ruth xx

Stormybay

Thank you so much. I think tomorrow evening will be difficult, we had a tradition of setting off a rocket at midnight, always bought by hubby on Christmas eve. I don't have one this year and I leave near the centre of town and will hear all the merriment. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge it for a minute, it will just be hard.
A friend of mine is coming round and we'll have a toast to John, I've offered to have my grandson overnight as he is so beautiful and full of life and reminds me that I must be strong for the next 2 generations' sakes. I've pursuaded my 19, 20 and 21 year old to go out and have a break, the 16 year old is going to a friends, so it will be me, DD3, Grandson and my friend and we will be ok......hopefully.
Thanks for keeping me going, I DO appreciate it.
Stormy