Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Stormybay

Foot note................I feel rather strange letting it all out on here, I'm not mad, I just sort of while away the odd hour waiting to go to bed as sleeping seems a release for me, even though I stay up till about 3, I fall into an exhausted sleep rather than lie awake reliving nightmares....
Much love
Stormy

miggy

Stormybay, I don't have much to add but am sending you some more hugs.
It was lovely of the golf club to remember your husband like that.
Look after yourself. I'm with you in thought & you're in my prayers.

Stormybay

Silver car, I have just lit a candle, thank you so much for the link....

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=2230628

LavenderLily_2

Stormybay, I have just read through this thread and I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss and I am thinking of you and sending you warm wishes and love. I am not a religious person but I do believe that your darling husband is still with you in spirit and will be until you are both reunited - I hope you can take comfort in that.

Keep posting as much as you like - I will be following your story and I know everyone else here will be too.

Big hugs sweetheart, you are not alone.

(((((((()))))))

Morglin

There's nothing much I can add, other than take care and take one day at a time.

My best mate lost her husband suddenly last year, and I can endorse the "merrywidows" site that another poster gave you. It's got (I think) an unfortunate name, but she has found it wonderful for support.

Lin

Stormybay

Thank you Lin, I sort of looked briefly at the site, but quickly shut it as my head thought, don't be silly...............you can't be a widow. Maybe it's a little soon, but I have book marked all the sites mentioned on here as I will probably need tham at some point.
I hope your friend is learning to cope now, I doubt people ever 'recover' I suppose it just gets easier with time.............God, I do hope so.
I agree that the name sort of puts you off, but I will give it a go.

Thank you for the PM's too, for taking the time to read this thread and give me hope.

Does anyone know what sort of price a burial is? Stupid question, but I didn't think to ask, I need to start thinking about this.......I just said to the funeral directors, do eveything!!!

Morglin

"Does anyone know what sort of price a burial is? Stupid question, but I didn't think to ask, I need to start thinking about this.......I just said to the funeral directors, do eveything!!!"


Well, around here, and apparantly it does depend on where you live (??), it costs about £1800-£2500 (depending on what you want).



If you get certain benefits, and there is no money, then you can claim a certain amount towards it:

http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/WorkingAgeBenefits/Dev_008260.xml.html

If your husband was under pension age, then you probably will be entitled to a Bereavement Payment, which is paid regardless of income, of £2000.

http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/WorkingAgeBenefits/dev_008417.xml.html

You may also be entitled to Breavement Allowance.

http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/WorkingAgeBenefits/dev_008411.xml.html

Any problems, PM me and I'll try and help you further.

Lin

sarymclary

Stormybay wrote:

Oh Sarah,
Gosh, I know I'm rambling, I just feel so sad. My dad died 6 months ago and, although I'm 43, I felt so orphaned (Mum died 7 years ago), and now I just can't get my head around the fact that I'm now widowed too with 5 children.
I feel I must go on as normal because that's the only thing I can do. My work are great and have given me another 2 weeks off with pay, but Sarah, what DO YOU DO? How do you go on? (Sorry, these are rhetorical questions), I just think......What on earth is it all about?
Sorry for going on, but trust me, it does help in some way to tell you guys this, I know people have gone through the same thing and it gives me hope.
Stormy

I don't exactly know what to do either, I've just found some muddled way of getting through, if I'm honest, and you will too. I was struck by how certain friends really rallied round, and others seemed to disappear. Unfortunately my husband's death left turbulent feelings within the family (let's just say he wasn't that well liked by my own family or his own at times), but his parents tried to have him secretly buried so that neither I nor the children could be present (don't worry, I was told by the funeral directors - who had't been told he had a wife or children)! Anyway, I digress, you will just get through each day at a time. I found them a struggle to begin with, daily routine seemed so pointless. I got bought flowers, but I didn't really understand why I was being given them, as I see them as a joyful thing, and I felt wretched!

I think I'd have struggled more if it hadn't been for the children. My youngest was only 3, and really didn't have a grasp on what it all meant. My 2 eldest boys were still not teenagers, so I felt they needed a lot of guidance and time to adjust. The eldest couldn't cry, even at the funeral, and was worrying that it meant he didn't care. The 2nd eldest was struggling to understand why our in-laws had behaved so badly and rejected them. It is a hard time, but I kept going for them.

There were days when I felt set adrift from the rest of the world. I was the only person, apart from my children, truly greiving (my husband had personal issues and had upset practically everyone along the way). Realistically I couldn't expect these people to relate to my deep love and loss. I clung on to anything that had belonged to him, and still haven't thrown anything away, although I have put things away in boxes. As the years go by I think I will just share them out amongst the boys, although I can't imagine any of them wanting his vinyl record collection!

We lost our house as a result of his death, and moved earlier this year. Going through all the 'memory' boxes I'd got up in the loft was the hardest part of all. All those love letters, the scrap books from our first year together and our engagement/wedding. His work often took him away, and we sent cards and love letters often, and I've kept them all. We also had a tumultuous time due to his personal problems, which made the road very rocky, so it was a harsh reminder of those times too.

I'm still incredibly angry with him, as I feel 4 boys really need their father's guidance to get them ready for manhood, but they will have to do without it. I didn't enter into parenthood expecting to be a single parent - in fact I don't consider I am; I'm a widow and that's different! I know my teenage boys behave differently towards me as their daddy isn't around (basically they push the boundaries and their luck more). He didn't see them go up to Grammar school, he missed our youngest's first day at school, he's not here to show them how to shave (which is my next hurdle to cross). But, and it's a big BUT, somehow, someway, you cope, it turns out all right. The children seem to find a way to cope too (in fact they're better than me), and you find yourself looking forward again, not just living in the day, but you don't realise that it's happening.

Don't set yourself any ambitious aims, and when you do return to work, take it steadily. You may find it's a useful distraction - for most of the time. I felt guilty for trying to carry on, even though I know he'd have expected me to. He wouldn't have wanted me laying prone, not contemplating carrying on. I think you've done the right thing by getting the kids to go out, and try to keep getting on with life. They may have worried that you'd have thought them disrespectful if they did. I became a bit of a conversation bore, I must admit, with my 'dead husband' anecdotes, but thankfully I had some wonderful friends who just indulged me and said nothing to make me feel I shouldn't. I recount stories now to the boys about their dad, and I can tell they like it because it brings him back to life for them. It's difficult for them to remember sometimes.

I hope you find things a little better, as it sounds to me that your husband was very well liked and respected, with friends who cared for him greatly. Take the opportunity to spend time with them if it helps you, as they'll find comfort talking with you too.

Keep posting, as I'm sure it's helping you. If you want to keep the bed linen, then do. You may change your mind about it in a few months and decide to just launder it, but if there's any doubt that you'll regret not keeping it, then err on the safe side. As long as he's in your heart he'll always be in your home, so there's probably no need to change anything at all right now, you'll make those decisions in the future sometime.

I still wonder about the coroners report too, my husband had a pancreatic haemorrage, which happened suddenly, and as a result he ended up dying alone away from home, which I found really hard to bear. Thoughts pop into your head all the time. It's pretty raw for at least the first couple of years, so don't anticipate it will all feel much better again very soon.

As for the sleeping - well at first, it's more a fitful coma when it comes. I found reading at bedtime helped. At least I wasn't just lying there, I was entertaining myself when sleep wouldn't come, and I woke many a time with the book on my nose! Choose something lightweight in content, preferably something a bit comical, because you can find humour again - it is allowed. As a recommendation for an author, try Janet Evanovich's 'Stephanie Plum' series (1st book is One for the Money). I sleep quite normally again now, but have kept up the reading.

I hope today is another better day. I find New Year's a difficult time too. I found the first one hard, as I felt I was leaving him behind in the past year - another irrational thought. I was in total denial for quite a while that he wasn't really dead, and in my mind I found I coped better by 'pretending' he was working away again. I knew he wasn't really, but it was a way of coping, or maybe I wasn't coping and the deception was a sign of it!? Who knows?

Thinking of you, and hope you're doing OK, but remember, you are allowed to not be OK.

Ladygrim

Have found comfort in this thread. Thankyou to all for the kind words. Together we will make it through.

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng

hypno06

Take each day as it comes. There are no rights and wrongs here so never wrong to be feeling the way you do - good, bad, angry, indifferent etc.

Don't feel daft in any way about coming on here and talking to unseen "strangers". Sometimes that is the very best thing that you can do and as you can see from the responses here so far, we really do care, many of us having been through it ourselves so we can really empathise.

Stay strong when you can, and don't worry about the times when you can't.

Keep posting, we are all here to help, however rambling you may feel you are being!