Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

Triker

Hi Stormy, hoping your day has been ok, still keep looking 'in on you' via the boards as I'm sure many are.
You're in my thoughts. XX

Snaggles

Hi Stormy, just wanted to let you know I am still thinking about you. I understand how hard it is to listen to others having fun when the bottom has fallen out of your world, but it will get easier....one day you will suddenly find yourself thinking 'their laughter sounds lovely, John would have loved hearing them' and then you will realise it doesn't hurt quite as much, because you are able to remember the happy times too.

All the things you are describing are a natural part of the grieving process, you are doing amazingly well. Love Snaggles x

Dustykitten

Oh Stormy you are being so brave and everything you say rings so true to me. I have always found looking at documents with my Dad's handwriting on them so difficult to bear. I have 2 whole carrier bags full of docs including scraps of paper with pension calculations on because I cannot bear to destroy them.

With regard to the questions you have about John's (that was my Dad's name) medical care this too is so natural and a big part of the process. I think that whenever somebody passes before what we perceive to be their time we ask questions as to why. We all did this. We blamed ourselves for not noticing his health, for not sending him to the doctor sooner. We asked why him and not the other people in the ward with similar conditions. Ask the questions you need to ask and you may find the answers. If not, in time your mind will tire of keeping asking and will quiet itself.

You are helping all of your children so much with their grief, something my Mum was unable to do for us and in the process you are helping me to grieve to and for that I thank you. With hugs as ever Dusty x

Tam

Just checking in to give virtual hugs to everyone that needs them.

Stormy, your strength and grace in the face of such tragedy is an inspiration to us all. You should be proud of yourself for the way you are coping, if only for the sake of your children. How blessed they are to have a mum like you.

mandymoo

Hi stormy, thinking of you and yours.xxx

Stormybay

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for your messages and support, they are keeping me going just knowing that people care, people that don't even know me, how wonderful it is.

Today has been a strange day, I went for coffee at a friends house, she lost a child some 13 years ago, I wanted to talk to her because I felt oddly sort of normal. I thought that I should cry more, but just can't seem to cry, or if I do, it's for some stupid reason, like yesterday when I picked Rosie up from school camp, I cried a little on the way to pick her up, but don't cry when John is in my thoughts. I was just thinking I was odd, cos I just carry on as if her was still here. Anyhow, my friend assured me that I am normal, that people grieve in different ways, but on the outside, to other people, I seem just so fine and as I was before and I think that they think I'm really hard. Inside I'm crying, but outwardly, you would think nothing has happened. Has anyone else felt like this? I was reading the Merry widows board and people seem to be constantly devastated, staying off work for months and months, it got me thinking that I'm doing something wrong. It's all very odd.

John was a pretty untidy person and today I decided to tidy all his clothes up in the bedroom. I haven't thrown any out, only rubbishy hoarded stuff like empty boxes and paper stuff, nothing personal or any clothes. All hisclothes are now neatly in the wardrobe and in drawers and the bedroom looks lovely. The thing is, I feel now like I've tidied him away, and I haven't, just tidied his clothes, but he could never find anything once I'd tidied up and I keep thinking he might be cross! Gosh, my head is in a muddle.

Anyhow, football again in the morning, then on Monday, I have to go to London till Wednesday on a course. I feel bad about this, leaving the children, DD1 21, is looking after DD3 11. I have asked them all if they mind (they are used to me going away once a month with work), and they are both fine about it, but I'm panicing, should I go, should I stay. I have to go at some point, so I thought I would go to this meeting as if I don't, I'll have to do 2 next month! But I feel very guilty, but on the 22nd, it will be a calendar month since John went and I feel I may be able to cope better being away. Gosh it's all so difficult making decisions on your own. I was always the one to make decisions, but at least I could discuss them with John, even though we always did it my way!!

Ok guys I'm asking you now.............am I going mad or not, or, hopefully, it's just all normal!

Lots of love and hugs, and Dusty, I'm so glad in some small way, us sharing our grief is helping you.

Stormy
xxxxxx

Triker

Hey hun, you are not mad, you are coping with everything a day at a time.

Could the work meeting be put on hold, surely they can cut you some slack?

There isn't a set prescription to what you are going through you know, you are allowed to feel these feelings as confusing as they are.

Sweetie just keep on going, you are an inspiration to many but please remember to look after yourself too. A step at a time. XXXXX

Dumyat

going might seem more normal to the kids. staying might feel like there's something wrong. I know there is something very different but you know what I mean. do what you think is right. if its staying at home then do it....if its not then go. only you know whats really going on. the kids will take their cue from you.

dont judge yourself by others. do whats right for you. be kind to yourself...do what suits you not what others say. If it helps to keep busy then do it, if that changes then go with the flow. theres no right or wrong way to live after a bereavement like this.

seroxat_chick

Hi Stormy,

Just wanted to reply to you about the crying.
Lots of people said that I was 'hard' because I didn't cry much - I never shed a tear at the funeral. Yet I would sit and cry buckets whilst watching Coro. or EastEnders, or even the news. I think sometimes when we are in public, our coping mechanism goes into overdrive. Who knows? I just want to reiterate what many other people have said - that whatever you do, it's just your way of coping with the grieving process.

Love and hugs,

s_c

sarymclary

Hello Stormy,

You're doing everything quite normally, but it's normal for you. None of us can really compare grieving exactly, because like loving, it's an individual thing. Perhaps, since you sound like a lady of good, strong character you are used to staying in control. I, like you, wasn't really one for big displays of overwhelming emotion all the time, so everyone thought I was doing marvellously and had coped so well considering, etc. What they didn't realise was that I was a wreck inside, had no idea what the future could possibly hold apart from misery, and that I was really only keeping going for the sake of the children, but I couldn't tell them that could I?

That all said, I do think that my resolve to try to stay calmly dignified (most of the time) did help me to get through the 'getting back into the swing of things' phase that you're going through now. As a previous poster has said, if you regularly go away, it might cause more concern with the children if you don't go. Maybe the time away will give you the break from the usual routine to have a bit of time to reflect about the past month. You can lock yourself in your hotel room, run a deep bath and wallow as long as you like without having to be 'on call' to the rest of the family. Hey, you may just find you cry all night, but it might be just what you need.

Don't worry about what's expected, because I think if you asked anyone around you, they haven't a clue what to expect from you, or themselves either.

Go with what feels right, ask John what he thinks - I bet he'd have some wise words for you, and keep doing that journal.

Wishing DD luck for the footie. Wear a hat, it's been a bit windy of late!
S xxx