How to help teenage son who doesn't want help?!

ashaput

kate1976 wrote: »

He has zero self confidence which I've tried to get him help for but again he isn't interested in helping himself

I assumed that your son is an introvert person. You know kind of person who doesn't like to tell what he feels even to their own parent. Well I am that kind of person. No matter how introvert he is, I am sure he must have a bestfriend. Well I feel more comfortable to talk about every single thing I have to my bestfriend than to my mom or dad. Try again to have talk with him. Don't investgate him. May be he just want to be heard.

Lotus-eater

He needs to get a job or a training scheme, or something.

He needs to be told this is the way it is going to be. No one just contributes nothing to the household. He's a grown up now, left school and needs to do something with his life. If he doesn't like it, then find somewhere else to live where they will keep him for nothing, while he does nothing.

Going softly softly hasn't worked and I can't see how it will work. No one is pressurising him to do anything, no one is telling him what he should be doing, just tippytoeing round him, reinforcing his idea he can carry on as he is.

kate1976

Thanks all for the replies, I did try to multi quote but it only does 2 at a time and I have to pop out soon so I'll try and keep this brief! He likes watching things blown up but when I've spoken about him doing it himself he says he can't or it's too much effort so getting him into blowing things up is another thing he won't do!!

I know a few people who say I am tiptoeing around him but again I ask how do I get him help? If I get someone to pop in the house to talk to him he'll disappear, I can't drag him anywhere, he won't go voluntary so how do I do it?! I've been soft on him, I've been hard on him, I even threatened to kick him out but to no avail, he actually did believe that he would be kicked out but it didn't phase him, he said he'd be glad to not have me around!!

I didn't kick him out because I know for a fact he would probably end up on the streets and I don't want that for him, I want him to help himself not end up sleeping rough!

Sock-knitter - I really feel for you, how hard that must have been for you and I really hope you can get on the right track soon!

Thanks again all and I'm sorry if this post is not much sense but I'm rushing around and trying to do 50 different things at once!!

Miss_Scrooge_2

Sorry if this has been answered but what does he actually do all day?

If he's spending all of his time doing nothing, that is probably the reason why his confidence and attitude is at an all time low. He needs to be doing something worthwhile. He needs to be busy.

Maybe you can apply for some part time jobs on his behalf. When I was a teenager I was severely depressed and often contemplated suicide. I had lost my friends and was stuck in a rut. My mum helped me look for a job because I needed to a goal in life and felt much happier when I was doing something and socialising with new people.

Lotus-eater

kate1976 wrote: »

he said he'd be glad to not have me around!!

You see I wouldn't put up with that. If he can't at least pretend to respect you a little after you put a roof over his head, do his washing and cook his meals, then he has to go.
Say to him I think you should move out and start looking for somewhere else to live.

sock-knitter

kate, could you involve social services and tell them how his behaviour is affecting you. you have to push very hard tho, or they will do nothing. finally they took my son for one night, and put him in a b and b. he is there tonight also after many hours of negotiations with social services, they are wanting to return him home tommorrow, as it does cost them money, but i am really hoping they will keep him one more night. i have done everything for my son, and he showed me no respect, tonight me and ds have been texting, and he is really bored in his hotel room, and wants to come home. i am hoping this will have had a real affect on his attitude towards me, and will start respecting us all as a family more.
the intensive support team from ss will also be supporting us as a family to achieve some kind of level where we can all live together
kate, i wish you all the luck in the world it is a long hard battle

WeBeBroke

kate1976 wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies, I did try to multi quote but it only does 2 at a time and I have to pop out soon so I'll try and keep this brief! He likes watching things blown up but when I've spoken about him doing it himself he says he can't or it's too much effort so getting him into blowing things up is another thing he won't do!!

I know a few people who say I am tiptoeing around him but again I ask how do I get him help? If I get someone to pop in the house to talk to him he'll disappear, I can't drag him anywhere, he won't go voluntary so how do I do it?! I've been soft on him, I've been hard on him, I even threatened to kick him out but to no avail, he actually did believe that he would be kicked out but it didn't phase him, he said he'd be glad to not have me around!!

I didn't kick him out because I know for a fact he would probably end up on the streets and I don't want that for him, I want him to help himself not end up sleeping rough!

Sock-knitter - I really feel for you, how hard that must have been for you and I really hope you can get on the right track soon!

Thanks again all and I'm sorry if this post is not much sense but I'm rushing around and trying to do 50 different things at once!!

Hi Kate,
YOu could be writing word-for-word about my brother 10 years ago. He dropped out of school at 15, was very bright but suddenly lost interest in everything. Drove my mum and dad mad! He is the youngest and all his older siblings went to University and were more or less self-sufficient from around 18/19. My parents weren't pushy, I was the oldest and surprised them by deciding to go to Uni, my siblings followed and perhaps because my brother was bright, that was the expectation, however, they would never have pressurised him.
My dad's biggest problem was that my brother was doing nothing around the house all day except playing computer games - this was in the days before internet/broadband! He withdrew to his room, blacked out the windows and completely cut off everyone. My mum was worried he would be suicidal, my dad was angry with him being a layabout. We (older siblings) were annoyed that he seemed to get away with treating our childhood home as a hotel and my mum as a slave!

However, fast forward a few years, my brother went back to school to sit his Leaving Cert (Irish equiv of A -levels), although he didn't do fantastically due to missed years, his confidence levels increased. He got a few jobs doing bits and pieces but his dream was to join the army. He finally got his dream after several years of drifting and doing odd jobs. He is doing very well there and has even got a Student of the Year award - when we meet his superiors at his various army functions they all comment on his friendliness and great attitude. We never dreamed we'd hear those things said about our often surly and withdrawn younger brother! He has great friends, is a lovely uncle to his nephews/nieces and is a genuinely all-round nice person.

I just wanted you to hear a positive story. There is too much focus on why teenagers are the way they are but sometimes it's nobody's fault, least of all the parents, it just is. They are their own person and they will cope with the hardships of being a teenager in different ways. It didn't ruin my brother's life and he didn't go down a bad path.
I hope your son comes out of his phase soon but don't become consumed by it - most of all don't let him dodge his way out of his family responsibilities and don't do everything for him.
He still needs to contribute to the house by way of cleaning, cooking, washing his clothes etc. That is the one thing I was annoyed with my mother for - she made the rest of us learn to use the washing machine by the age of 12 but did everything for my brother!

ManPants

kate1976 wrote: »

He has zero self confidence which I've tried to get him help for but again he isn't interested in helping himself!

I am near the end of my tether with him and I really don't know where to turn next! I've gone cross eyed looking at different sites but still nobody seems to have an answer as to how I can get him to help himself!

He is highly intelligent, easily bored and very moody, I understand teenage hormones are playing a big part but he is so negative and is often saying 'what's the point in xyz, everyone dies anyway' I know he has a point there but I don't want him leading a lonely life as a bitter twisted individual!!:(

This made me gulp when I read this as it sounds like me at that age! And sadly through most of my twenties too - although I did always have jobs/ uni courses - I just didn't actually care about them. I had no actual purpose as I didn't have a clue about what I wanted to be or do and that caused a lot of anxiety for me. Many jobs and courses later I have that part sorted. Do you think that may be causing your son anxiety? I am also gay and was brought up in a family where that was an absolute no no so that was turmoil as I fought myself in what I wanted and what I knew I shouldn't want.

At 28 I had a techtonic shift in my thinking due to the absolute mess I'd got my life into. At that point I read loads of spiritual and self help books, chatted to anyone that seemed older and wiser than me and after all the years of thinking similarly to your son that "there is no point in anything anyway". I discovered that there is no actual point in anything apart from ...........whatever point we decide it is we want to give to it!

I'm now in my thirties, confident and self assured and look back with regret at my teens and twenties and thinking how I wasted my youth years being miserable.

What I wish I had been told earlier in my life is that things always do work out for the best even if there are rotten bits in the middle.

People are primarily interested only in themselves so there is no point being gawky and self conscious as most people aren't that bothered anyway.

Travel and see things and gain confidence from that.

If you are prone to depression then do sport or go to the gym to keep yourself releasing endorphins. Makes yourself feel better about yourself too.

Anyway, I will stop ranting on ................maybe some other people may add ideas for you to pass on to your son!

Sincerely wish him the best!

Stupotstu

19lottie82

Hhhhmmmm this is a hard one. Based on all we can learn from a message board, it’s difficult to tell if he is depressed or just a lazy teenager with an attitude problem.

Kate it sounds like you’ve approached this from all avenues and I don’t blame you for being at your wits end.

From what you say, you don’t have a lot of spare cash, and at 16,he is an adult, and if he is not in education he should be working and contributing to the household.

You say you won’t kick him out, but how long are you going to keep going on like this? You can hope that he might grow out of it, he might or he might not, but from what you have told us, no changes seem likely in the foreseeable future.

You need to stand firm on this one, have one final talk with him, maybe with another family member there, and tell him that if he does think he is depressed then you will help him, and if he isn’t……although you love him, you can’t keep going on like this, he’s hurting you as well as himself and he needs to do something, should it be education or work as you don’t have the finances or mental energy to support him anymore. He’s an adult now he needs to act like it and accept that we can’t just laze about and hide in our rooms all day, and generally do what we like, without consequences. Give him a fixed timescale to do SOMETHING, even if it’s just a small progression, such as some p/t volunteering, but if he still refuses then you will need to take action, even if it’s asking him to leave on a temporary basis. You can’t keep going on link this, it’s not doing him (or you) any favours.

kate1976

Hi all,

Thanks again for the replies! I had a little chat with him last night and he admitted he doesn't like the way he is but he still isn't willing to talk to anyone or get help, it really is frustrating! I have given him links to different sites to read through but he just says 'they're too long to read and he can't be bothered' so again am stuck with what to do with him!!!

I really don't want to kick him out, soft as that may seem but I know I'm not going to put up with him for much longer so I'm going to have to have a long hard think this weekend and try and talk to him again and then hopefully have a plan of action by Monday!!

He actually did start an application for an apprenticeship last night but then unfortunately his laptop went off (it's been doing that a lot) so he gave up on that!! I just feel like banging my head on the wall with it all, he is good for one thing though, I've been getting broody recently and all I have to do is think of him and the broodiness disappears!!

Thanks again for taking the time to reply!