How to help teenage son who doesn't want help?!

3v3

Gillyx wrote: »

I was a right mopey teenager, dropped out of uni, had a small part time job that paid me peanuts, used to lay about the house moaning and not communicating with anyone day in, day out. My dad sorted me out, stopped giving me lifts places, stopped any sort of money at all, no treats in the house regarding food items, took away the modem :eek: so I had a laptop that couldn't be used, and used to take the plug for the sky box to work with him I soon found a job...

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::T

Zoetoes

I've tried to be tougher and he moved out at 16 to a 'youth flat' and I hated it. I went to see him and all he had was half a loaf and cuppa soups, he was hungry and had no money, and I had to just come away without giving him anything because I knew he had to learn the hard way. I sobbed my heart out when I got home. He stayed a couple of weeks and came home, he's still a pain in the @rse at times but he is making some effort and I think (hope) he has realised which side his bread is buttered!

He's just finishing a course and is working odd days in between and has applied for a plumbing course for September, I know it's not the hard parts over yet though!

Decluttering

Does he have any hobbies or anything you know he used to aspire to be? What sort of videos does he enjoy on Youtube? Youtube is such a DIY website, you could suggest to him he has a go of making something similar to the stuff he likes to watch.

You mentioned he likes death metal music, has he ever given a go at playing it? Or songwriting? A hobby would give him a goal to work towards, I think it would build his confidence up. (I hope this doesn't sound wishy washy!)

Zoetoes

Gillyx wrote: »

I was a right mopey teenager, dropped out of uni, had a small part time job that paid me peanuts, used to lay about the house moaning and not communicating with anyone day in, day out. My dad sorted me out, stopped giving me lifts places, stopped any sort of money at all, no treats in the house regarding food items, took away the modem :eek: so I had a laptop that couldn't be used, and used to take the plug for the sky box to work with him I soon found a job...

My ex used to do things like that to me! Take the Sky card to work!

kate1976

Thank you all for your replies, I am going to make this a quick post as I have a banging headache and I need my bed! I really do hope it is just a teenage phase but I don't know, I'm too tired and achy to try and think too much at the moment!

As for hobbies, he has none, he wanted to learn guitar but got bored by it after 2 days, like I said he bores easily!! He isn't into songwriting etc either, he just watches random clips on youtube, at the moment his favourite ones are some russian man blowing up random things?!?!

I just wish I had a magic wand to get his self confidence up even just a little, I even suggested to him CBT as every thought is negative but he got bored reading about it after the first paragraph!!

Anyway thanks again and wish me luck!!

shy-but-need-help

kate1976 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, I am going to make this a quick post as I have a banging headache and I need my bed! I really do hope it is just a teenage phase but I don't know, I'm too tired and achy to try and think too much at the moment!

As for hobbies, he has none, he wanted to learn guitar but got bored by it after 2 days, like I said he bores easily!! He isn't into songwriting etc either, he just watches random clips on youtube, at the moment his favourite ones are some russian man blowing up random things?!?!

I just wish I had a magic wand to get his self confidence up even just a little, I even suggested to him CBT as every thought is negative but he got bored reading about it after the first paragraph!!

Anyway thanks again and wish me luck!!

Could you find him some form of scientific outlet where he could learn to blow stuff up? My oldest son has an absolute fascination with the whole "ka-boom" thing, even more fascinated when he learned my dad had all the scientific knowledge/training to know how it worked- many workshops, programs and science trips later I may have a future scientist on my hands (or possible demolitions expert... or possibly even a film effects director) Watch mythbusters- people make a career out of it, they really do.

kazzah60

kate
you've tried the caring approach - it;s not working

I have had similar ( but not as severe) issues with my younger son who has a physical disability
he was bullied very badly at school and turned from a lovely boy at 12 to a horrible, defensive agressive unhappy kid until he was 15 and we changed schools

occasionally he can slip back into aggresive/defensive/self pity mode and when he does, i say NOTHING
i go very quiet and hardly speak to him - and after a couple of days he always falls for it and asks whats wrong and I just say
" I can't stand your attitude, it's getting me down, i don't think you realise what a negative effect you have on me"

I find the less I say - the more worried he becomes and it seems to make him buck his ideas up a bit

BUT
I mean I literally say nothing to him other than hello, goodnight, your dinners ready.

NOTHING AT ALL !!!!!!!!

in the words of Ronan Keating
" you say it best, when you say nothing at all "

it might be worth a shot
best of luck

red_devil

kate1976 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, I am going to make this a quick post as I have a banging headache and I need my bed! I really do hope it is just a teenage phase but I don't know, I'm too tired and achy to try and think too much at the moment!

As for hobbies, he has none, he wanted to learn guitar but got bored by it after 2 days, like I said he bores easily!! He isn't into songwriting etc either, he just watches random clips on youtube, at the moment his favourite ones are some russian man blowing up random things?!?!

I just wish I had a magic wand to get his self confidence up even just a little, I even suggested to him CBT as every thought is negative but he got bored reading about it after the first paragraph!!

Anyway thanks again and wish me luck!!

please look after yourself and dont stress too much. You are important your son has to figure himself out and find his own way.
not saying you shouldnt care but dont stress too much.

sock-knitter

OP, you could have been describing on of my 16 year old sons. 'J' was bullied at school, for being teachers pet, always willing to please, and work hard. the bullies made his life hard, and he rebelled so he could be accepted by them. he has deliberatly failed his gcse exmas, has no hobbies etc, self harmed a few times, and eventually turned violent on me.
tonight was the last straw, after suffering all this time, i contacted social services, and because the police have been involved, they reluctantly have taken over his care for one night only
dont know what i'm trying to say really, except you are not on your own, and we will get thru this
OP feel free to pm me if u wish

ERICS_MUM

I'm no expert on these things (only stuff I read on websites), but could it be something like Aspergers Syndrome or bi-polar disorder ?

Having said this, if he refuses to get any medical advice there's no way of finding out.