How to help teenage son who doesn't want help?!

kate1976

RachelS wrote: »

I am so sorry, Kate. His reaction sounds like just what I used to say to my husband when he tried to help me see things more positively. It must be so, so hard when it's your own child, so lots of support to you, little as it means.

I suppose other than trying to build up his self-esteem and bring him out of himself as much as you can, and encouraging him to think about how he could see each situation more positively, there's little you can do without having recourse to calling in professionals and possibly having him sectioned. That's a big step...I'd talk to them at length first about how likely sectioning is given his behaviour, because you don't want it to backfire if they come in and say 'we can't do anything' and then you're left with his reaction.

It's hard, because he has to want help. You are clearly being very supportive. There's a fine line between supporting and enabling. I'm not saying you've crossed it, not at all, but be aware it will be at that point if this goes on for a long time without you taking more decisive action. My husband tried to help me himself for years...but I had no real reason to get better because of that. At this point, I genuinely wish he'd had me sectioned, I might have got better sooner.

I'm sorry. It's a horrible situation for you to be in.

One thing to add is I know my local mental health services offer a support group to people who are carers of someone with depression. Something like that might be a place for ideas.

Thank you, I suffer depression myself so can understand in a way, I actually had the Education Welfare Officer blame me for his attitude as my depression had 'probably rubbed off on him' I think I'm going to have to have a long think and try to gain the courage to phone someone, I say that as whenever I start to talk about it I burst out crying, typing it is somewhat easier!

darlyd wrote: »

Is there a Man in his Life ? Perhaps they could have a man talk.

Oh this is oh so frustrating isn't it? I do feel for you..

Can you just book a week abroad somewhere hot where there are loads of things to do for him? And go.. lol Perhaps he needs some excitement in his life, Take him down Brighton, and watch his reactions... (am sorry if that sounds rude, but ya know what I mean I hope lol)

He has his grandad, my brother, several male friends of mine who he has grown up around, my partner and my cousin has just started trying to talk to him too but to no avail, he just doesn't like to talk!

He doesn't like holidays, not that I can afford one at the moment anyway but he has never been a holiday person, even as a kid he never wanted to go to Disneyland (I did and still do)

Lol Brighton may be good!! :rotfl:

kate1976

RachelS wrote: »

Another thing to tell him is possibly to try to push it away when he gets upset by something. My mum brought me up to be really, really nice...honestly, too nice to be able to live in the real world. All it would take was a sad advert on tv to have me on my knees for days (bear in mind, this is a woman who didn't tell me what meat was till I found out at school, and who never let me watch the start of bambi or the end of the snowman). I had to learn, hard as it was, that in this world you have to choose what you allow yourself to care about, and that doesn't make you a bad person. When you're very compassionate, it feels like being selfish, but in fact it's the opposite. If you're so soft-centred you can't function, you're no help to anyone. Focus on being kind to friends and family and worry about the wider world later, is what I've learned.

I have always told him that life is a rollercoaster and sometimes isn't easy and he's always accepted that but the past few months he's decided he's far too nice, it's my fault somehow!

To be honest I'm a hard faced cow at times (I never cried at Bambi:o ) And that is why I brought him up knowing that at times life was a b!tch (plus we lived in a 'roughish' area) So I really don't know why now he's suddenly deciding I've brought him up wrong?!

RachelS

Oh, nice of the Education Welfare Officer to say that, very helpful *rolls eyes*. For heaven's sake!

Darlyd

Would be fun if he was 18, or coming up to his 18th, the men in his life could of taken him to a strip club. I know that sounds rude again, but isn't it a young man's dream?

Joking aside, Need to get to the bottom of it, perhaps he don't even know what is up with him? It's not just talking that can give the answers. My DD came home today, she wrote a story in school, and to me it's her feelings/emotions, acting out on a character.

And that marion manson (if that's how you spell it) has to get chewed up by the dog.. Nasty stuff.... lol

And none of this is your fault.. Everyone is born with their own personality. I mean your parents could be axe murders but you would turn out to be a social worker or something.. .

kate1976

RachelS wrote: »

Oh, nice of the Education Welfare Officer to say that, very helpful *rolls eyes*. For heaven's sake!

Oh I know, I did put in a complaint about that, he was a vile man!!

darlyd wrote: »

Would be fun if he was 18, or coming up to his 18th, the men in his life could of taken him to a strip club. I know that sounds rude again, but isn't it a young man's dream?

Joking aside, Need to get to the bottom of it, perhaps he don't even know what is up with him? It's not just talking that can give the answers. My DD came home today, she wrote a story in school, and to me it's her feelings/emotions, acting out on a character.

And that marion manson (if that's how you spell it) has to get chewed up by the dog.. Nasty stuff.... lol

And none of this is your fault.. Everyone is born with their own personality. I mean your parents could be axe murders but you would turn out to be a social worker or something.. .

I get all the time off him how he wishes he was 18 then he could have fun and go out so maybe he'll change in 2 years time?!?! Will I survive 2 more years of this?!?!

He keeps saying he hasn't got a problem but I just can't believe this is all down to teenage hormones, I just want him to be happy!! I can hear him upstairs at the moment on the phone to his friend and he's giggling away but I know for a fact the minute that phone goes down then he'll be 'stropping about'

The music he listens to is shocking, it's more than Marilyn Manson it's Murderdolls, Black Veil Brides etc (the band names give a clue to what they're about!!)

Darlyd

Do you think he is playing on it to gain your attention? What if you act all depressed, quiet, not speaking etc for a few days, and see how he reacts?

kate1976

darlyd wrote: »

Do you think he is playing on it to gain your attention? What if you act all depressed, quiet, not speaking etc for a few days, and see how he reacts?

I have no idea, I do know that when I got punched by a 'chav' earlier this year and left with a black eye he found it funny!! He's also seen me break down (when it all got too much with the Education Welfare and Social Services) and he didn't care, he just said something along the lines of 'I bet you wish I wasn't born now don't you?!'

He has just become an uncaring young man with no respect! I tell him night and day I love him and just get that thrown back at me, he just does not care, his heart seems to have hardened so much that he makes me think he's turning evil (I know I'm just getting over the top with that thought:o)

Gillyx

I was a right mopey teenager, dropped out of uni, had a small part time job that paid me peanuts, used to lay about the house moaning and not communicating with anyone day in, day out. My dad sorted me out, stopped giving me lifts places, stopped any sort of money at all, no treats in the house regarding food items, took away the modem :eek: so I had a laptop that couldn't be used, and used to take the plug for the sky box to work with him I soon found a job...

Darlyd

kate1976 wrote: »

I have no idea, I do know that when I got punched by a 'chav' earlier this year and left with a black eye he found it funny!! He's also seen me break down (when it all got too much with the Education Welfare and Social Services) and he didn't care, he just said something along the lines of 'I bet you wish I wasn't born now don't you?!'

He has just become an uncaring young man with no respect! I tell him night and day I love him and just get that thrown back at me, he just does not care, his heart seems to have hardened so much that he makes me think he's turning evil (I know I'm just getting over the top with that thought:o)

No your not over the top, I feel the same with my DD1, she is a right evil cow! and I got worse to come, and I am dreading it, I think I might just put myself in a nut house now, before she does.. lol

Don't know what else to suggest, perhaps he is just like this with you, that is what some teens are like, they are horrid to their parents.

rachelhen

It must be so hard for you.
I have a friend who's son became like this for about 12 months then seemed to just turn around and got a job started dating then got married and had 2 children. It all seemed hopeless for a while. The being intelligent thing can be as much of a difficulty for young people as having a learning disability.. I know this from experience. I know this prob not much help but it isn't necessarily going to always be like this.
You mention he was mugged this may be responsible for his feelings now he may be having a reaction to that.