How to help teenage son who doesn't want help?!

Darlyd

Please check his history though. Don't just take his word for what he gets up too. Some people can look up all sorts of things, and it can affect them mentally.

I met a friend on-line many moons back, we used to play Online games, Well I found out in the end that he was a sick twisted individual (Luckily a friend of mine had a relative who lived in same street as him, small world).

kate1976

make_me_wise wrote: »

When did this change in him start? It seems he was an above average, bright kid taking GCSE's early with plans to go to college. Now he has dropped out of school and has no interest in life or working towards what could be a bright future.

Has anything happened that could have caused what is in the very least severe depression. His emotional health seems very delicate. Is he well within himself physically?

Oh I can pinpoint exactly where he started on this downward spiral, his first love went off with his best friend (although they're all talking and friendly again now) and he also got mugged (that's when the self confidence plummeted)

He has always been a sensitive kid and has actually blamed me today for bringing him up to be too nice and it'd be better if he was a 'chav' as he's sick of people caring about him!

RachelS wrote: »

I think he sounds like he has severe depression. The way he is talking sounds very much like me when I had depression. I too am very intelligent and along with that often goes being very sensitive, and over thinking things. Teen psychotherapy might help if you can get him there. But really an adult conversation might help...something along the lines of 'I am sorry you feel like this. It's common to feel like this sometimes. Life is a b***h at times...but the thing to do is find something in it you can enjoy. Not trying to put pressure on you by any means, but can you have a think if there's anything you'd like to try or do this summer that might be fun at least for a couple of hours to take your mind off things?'

You could try telling him that no matter how bad he feels about himself, you think the sun shines out of his backside and always have.

The worst thing to do is tell him what he's thinking is silly, or not real etc, or get angry. Keeping to a routine is going to help him and that's tricky because he obviously doesn't have that at the minute.

If all else fails and he gets worse, call the doctor yourself and see if they can involve the Crisis Team (might be called something else in your area).

The bit I've put in bold is exactly what I've done a thousand times, he then turns things round and puts a negative spin on everything, I swear this son of mine could turn the most positive thing into a negative! I've asked him along for a few days out but he doesn't want to do it!! All he wants to do is listen to death metal music (yes I do know that doesn't help him) and rot away!!

There is no way I can get him anywhere near a doctor and apparently a friend told him the other week that if he carried on he could get sectioned and he came home and told me if I ever got him taken away or got a doctor calling at home then I'd never see him again! I know that is emotional blackmail but I seriously do believe he would walk out and I would never see him again, this is why I want him to at least meet me halfway and get help himself rather than me push it on him!

make_me_wise

kate1976 wrote: »

We have an open relationship when it comes to sex talk etc and he has told me he may be bi-sexual but he knows I'm happy for him to be anything so long as he's happy and he's not bothered about if I'm happy anyway!!

Could he be struggling, far more than he is willing admit to you, with his sexuality. He seems to have withdrawn completely from normal daily life. Could it be that he just does not know how/where to fit into society? That is not what I think he should feel, as far as I am concerned people should be able to go about their daily lives and do whatever they like regardless of sexuality or anything else about themselves. A young adult of just 16 may not see it like that. It comes across loud and clear that he is a very confused young man.

kate1976

darlyd wrote: »

Please check his history though. Don't just take his word for what he gets up too. Some people can look up all sorts of things, and it can affect them mentally.

I met a friend on-line many moons back, we used to play Online games, Well I found out in the end that he was a sick twisted individual (Luckily a friend of mine had a relative who lived in same street as him, small world).

Oh I do check the history, he's open about what he has and hasn't been on anyway and apart from the odd dodgy thing* it's all good!!

*Dodgy thing being a cup with 2 female friends and once midget p0rn (which his friend shown him) and my lad thought it was cute!! :eek:

shy-but-need-help

I agree with Daryld about the internet- it really can be a source of great depression and negativity, even "innocent" things like facebook and MSN, both can be massive sources of cyber-bullying/taunting and facebook is a pit of despair if you're already feeling a bit out of sorts are are bombarded by people parading fake-perfect lives. Youtube is a form of escapism for alot of people. I really would look deeper into that.

RachelS

I am so sorry, Kate. His reaction sounds like just what I used to say to my husband when he tried to help me see things more positively. It must be so, so hard when it's your own child, so lots of support to you, little as it means.

I suppose other than trying to build up his self-esteem and bring him out of himself as much as you can, and encouraging him to think about how he could see each situation more positively, there's little you can do without having recourse to calling in professionals and possibly having him sectioned. That's a big step...I'd talk to them at length first about how likely sectioning is given his behaviour, because you don't want it to backfire if they come in and say 'we can't do anything' and then you're left with his reaction.

It's hard, because he has to want help. You are clearly being very supportive. There's a fine line between supporting and enabling. I'm not saying you've crossed it, not at all, but be aware it will be at that point if this goes on for a long time without you taking more decisive action. My husband tried to help me himself for years...but I had no real reason to get better because of that. At this point, I genuinely wish he'd had me sectioned, I might have got better sooner.

I'm sorry. It's a horrible situation for you to be in.

One thing to add is I know my local mental health services offer a support group to people who are carers of someone with depression. Something like that might be a place for ideas.

Darlyd

Is there a Man in his Life ? Perhaps they could have a man talk.

Oh this is oh so frustrating isn't it? I do feel for you..

Can you just book a week abroad somewhere hot where there are loads of things to do for him? And go.. lol Perhaps he needs some excitement in his life, Take him down Brighton, and watch his reactions... (am sorry if that sounds rude, but ya know what I mean I hope lol)

kate1976

make_me_wise wrote: »

Could he be struggling, far more than he is willing admit to you, with his sexuality. He seems to have withdrawn completely from normal daily life. Could it be that he just does not know how/where to fit into society? That is not what I think he should feel, as far as I am concerned people should be able to go about their daily lives and do whatever they like regardless of sexuality or anything else about themselves. A young adult of just 16 may not see it like that. It comes across loud and clear that he is a very confused young man.

I really have no idea, he's always been very open and honest about his sexuality and he knows nobody has a problem with it, one of his best friends is gay and he talks to him a lot and having spoke to this friend I really don't think it's his sexuality making him feel like this, he's not really bothered what people think of him, he seems to have gone from sensitive lad to couldn't give a toss lad over the past few months, he's become very hard faced and it's hard to 'read him' whereas this time last year I could 'read him' so well!

RachelS

Another thing to tell him is possibly to try to push it away when he gets upset by something. My mum brought me up to be really, really nice...honestly, too nice to be able to live in the real world. All it would take was a sad advert on tv to have me on my knees for days (bear in mind, this is a woman who didn't tell me what meat was till I found out at school, and who never let me watch the start of bambi or the end of the snowman). I had to learn, hard as it was, that in this world you have to choose what you allow yourself to care about, and that doesn't make you a bad person. When you're very compassionate, it feels like being selfish, but in fact it's the opposite. If you're so soft-centred you can't function, you're no help to anyone. Focus on being kind to friends and family and worry about the wider world later, is what I've learned.

make_me_wise

He may be suffering from Bipolar disorder. Sufferers sway between periods of depression and mania. Epsidoes of depression can last for weeks or more. The manic high phase usually follows 2 to 4 episodes of depression.

During a period of depression symptoms can include; feeling sad and hopeless, difficulty concentrating and remembering things, lacking in energy, a loss of interest in everyday activities, feelings of emptiness and worthlessness, feelings of guilt and despair, feeling pessimistic about everything, self doubt, being dillusional and having disturbed or illogical thinking, lack of apetite, difficulty sleeping and suicidal thoughts.