Daughter says she has no friends:-(

DVardysShadow

ceebeeby wrote: »

Big hugs to you both

One of my DD's was EXACTLY the same - although it took me a whole term to really understand how upset she was. It was only when the teacher mentioned at parents evening that she was the only upper junior allowed into the lower juniors playground at lunch, so that she could be with her little sister as she had no-one else to play with, did I really sit up and think ouch!

Three phone calls and one form later, and the following week both her and younger DD moved schools and within a week she had met the six friends that would stay with her for the following few years, and we never had the same situation again. Very drastic, but regretably once girls have made up their minds that's it.

I totally understand where you're coming from because it is exceptionally distressing for everyone, but it can be fixed with lots of hugs and support and possibly a new school (in my experience anyway).

What did you do if anything to prepare daughter to make the best of the new situation?

lucylucy

Juliejay, I could have written your post myself 4 years ago.

My daughter had exactly the same problems. Also the youngest with an August Birthday. Quite naive and (even now) not at all interested in fashion etc.. No good at sports.
She's also an only child and not very outgoing.

We decided to change schools and it was the best thing we could have done.
She has a small group of lovely friends (boys and girls) and is thriving there. Sadly she finishes year 6 in just a few weeks.

Changing schools is drastic, but there's no harm in looking at other schools and keeping it in mind. In our case I was sure we were doing the right thing when we looked around the new school. The atmosphere, the friendliness, the pride the head took in his school leapt out at me.
Besides, it certainly couldn't get any worse!

I've been in floods reading your post because I can feel every bit of agony you're going through. I've been there and it rips your heart out.

I hope, whatever you decide, your daughter makes some nice friends and enjoys the rest of her junior years.

jonana1982

big hugs for you and your little girl. you will be fine.

pinkclouds

I didn't have many "friends" at school either. It sucked.

Changing schools may or may not help. There is always the chance that the same situation will occur. Joining more activity groups may help. Something where the kids are encouraged to be particularly kind and friendly would be best e.g. Brownies/Guides, church Sunday School, cadets (CCF, etc).

Best wishes to your girl.

peachyprice

juliejay wrote: »

Up early this morning. I can't sleep anymore with it on my mind.

It's only been a problem this last year. New girls have started In the class from outside and the dynamics have changed. It's much more about boys and bands and clothes now and she's just not interested in that stuff yet but it makes her seem babyish I suppose to the others I suppose

My DD is like this, she's just not interested in alot of the things the older girls are into.

How do they split the classes, is it by age, ability or random? In our school it's age, my DD is one of the youngest and going into year 6 she will be in the 5/6 split, which will suit her to the ground, she'll probably mix with the year 5 girls rather than the year 6's.

It might also be worth speaking to the SENCO. We have a girl in our school that no-one really likes (she is rather difficult and has problems at home too), but the SENCO has tasken her under her wing and has gone out of her way to find a group of friends for her, not necessarily in her own class, she also has an open door policy for her whereby if she's having a bad day with the other girls she can go to her and she will get the girls to talk through their problems and get to the root of the cause.

Birdie85

I really feel for your DD Julie, I went through the same thing myself when I was younger, both in primary school and secondary. Girls really can be so cruel, especially when led by a Queen Bee type. I remained 'friends' with a group of girls from primary school who'd be very on and off with me, some weeks we'd be the very best of friends, others weeks they'd all ignore me and I'd go home in tears- this cycle was led by how the 'Queen Bee' of the group felt about me at the time- this behaviour carried on throughout secondary school and because they'd knocked my confidence so much after years of treating me badly I put up with it, it took me until year 10 to snap, they were in the 'hate' cycle and I think they all truly enjoyed having someone to pick on and laugh at, one day I caught the 'Queen Bee' in the middle of a blatant lie about me and walked off having had enough of it. Funnily enough none of my 'friends' had wanted to sit next to me in a lot of classes so I'd found other people to sit with and talk to and they turned into my genuine friends, they welcomed me into their friendship groups with open arms having known how badly I'd been treated and it was a slap in the face for the old group to see me finally flourishing with a group of genuine friends.

It's really important to keep your DD's confidence up as it will probably end up shattered as mine was and I woudn't wish my school years on anyone... well, maybe on the cow who made my life a misery from age 4!

I think the suggestion of encouraging her to join out of school clubs is a good one, also letting the school know is important so well done for doing that, the teachers may not have even realised that there's a problem and it's vital that they make sure that there's no bullying going on that's worse and more damaging than bullying by exclusion (which is heartbreaking enough).

You never know, things may be totally different after the summer holidays so don't rush to change schools, see how things are in September. Spend the summer practising her 'games' with her (catching, throwing, batting, running etc), it'll be good for both of you and if she's awesome next year they'll be begging to have her on their teams!

I really hope things get better for her, this is the one thing I dread about having children as I know how bad it can be.

juliedotcom

I second the joining more clubs. Brownies/Guides is a fantastic way for her to meet new friends, and since so much of it is based on groups and being together, she'll hopefully be able to bond with some girls her own age. It's a shame the girls at her school are ignoring her, it's a tough time and young girls can be so cruel, but it'll pass and she'll come out stronger for it.

What about finding some new hobbies for her which could encourage new friendships? I was a very lonely kid and found that having a pen pal helped me feel a little less alone. It was nice to have someone to share with and who didn't judge.

Good luck

MrsAnnie

Hugs to you and your DD.

The things I did to get my oldest DD to interact more was getting her to invite friends around and getting her into the local swim club.

In the swim club (and I presume this would apply to any sports group). The children are so supportive of one another and the club is very focused and brings out the best in all the children including my DD. There are children from her school and surrounding schools which has made my DDs freindship circle widened and it is not just limited to her school class.

Also ask your daughter if their are any 'really nice' girls in her class that she would like to be friends with. Get her to invite them over after school for tea. They could bake, listen to music, go to the local park etc.

Is there a leisure center near you that she could ask someone inher class to go fun skating, swimming, trampoline or anything that is available?


Personally I don't think everone needs to have masses of friends, but to encourage her to make one or two friends and this will hopefully help to boost her confidence. You need to really push and encourage her to socialise at least a liitle.


IMO changing schools should only be considered when all else fails.

lolly_896

This was/is my worst fear for my children, i really don't mind if they don't excel at school but for them to be sad without friends breaks my heart.

How old is your DD? What does she enjoy?

Reading? Brownies or Girl Guides, Army Cadet Force, Swimming clubs, Gymastics, Trampolining, have a look a mumsnet @ whats on in your area for her. I really hope she finds a special friend soon x

juliejay

Thank you, thank you everyone for you kind thoughts and helpful suggestions.

She went in today OK but I notice she stands away now unsure of who to speak to. It's knocked her confidence in school for sure. I will see how she is tonight. it's not that she doesn't want to make friends or socialise with them, on holiday she's the busiest girl in the pool chatting to everyone. It's just in her class she is being made to feel like an outsider no matter how hard she tries to stay friends. It feels like a very unhealthy place to be and as a previous poster said its as if they enjoy having her outside to make their group more special.

She has a few clubs at the moment but it tends to be the same faces who are a bit better out of school but ignore her again the next day when they are back with their crowd. That confuses and upsets her more so we definitely need to find new clubs in new places.

Off to school now, holding it all in and smiling......