How Do I Tell Him? help with OH

Pee

Re: the money. Did he and his ex have a house? When did they buy and when did they sell? (Just think about this and whether they bought when the market was high or sold when the market was low.) I knew somone very secretive with money. I'd got him marked down for a drug problem, but it didn't really fit with what I knew about him, still I'd been fooled before. Years later as we became friends I learnt that he had been married, paid for IVF which failed and his then wife had an affair with another man which caused their marriage to end and the house to be sold when prices had crashed. They had remortgaged the house for the IVF. He was working hard and living frugally to repay the debt, which yes, did mean that his behaviour was like that of somone with a spending problem.

Could this possibly be the problem?

KiKi

Hi OP

Not much to add (and I haven't read all responses), but given what you've said, my personal approach would not be:
"These are the issues I have with the way you spend money, and I'm not happy with...."

I'd say:
"Hey honey, we're moving in together soon, let's sort out a budget and what we will each contribute."

Approach it as a joint project together, starting from the same base point. Make no accusations about how things are presently. Don't say "I hate that I have to pay for the bus fares". Say "so we'll split all travel and fares equally, yes?" Don't say "I'm not going to subsidise you like I do now", but say "so, what will happen if each of us runs out of cash, how do we approach that?"


I'm someone who's also a bit (okay, a lot) control freakish. Plus, I like to be right. So I always want to point that out first before moving onto a solution. But that's not going to work in your case - not that you're like me, but I could understand if that's what you wanted to do! He's not going to hear that.

I also appreciate that you've not asked for any relationship advice. And maybe you don't care what he spends his money on, as long as you stick to your agreement for when you live together. But I will also add that, like others, I'd be concerned about being completely committed to someone else that they weren't even prepared to tell me how much rent they pay. Perhaps he has a debt he's paying off from the ex, or perhaps he just doesn't like to talk money. But if it's a sticking point for you, then you have to cover off the future in a positive way, even if he refuses to talk about the past.

HTH
KiKi

Supernatural

I'd start a joint savings account before you move in together. When you finally do move in both contribute equally to the running costs of a flat by having your share (half) transferred by standing order into the account to cover the bills and have him do the same. Avoid promises of "oh, you pay the bill and I'll pay you back" because it sounds like you'll not see that money and resentment will build up until you boil over.

You're his girlfriend and not his parent, he needs to realise he has to prioritise bills first and whatever is left over can be enjoyed. You need this chat soon because he doesn't seem to be taking it all seriously, it's all very well dreaming of a happy ever after but you must lay the foundations of a solid financial base or else it will be forever a bone of contention between you.

Good luck finding a new job, hope it all works out for you

PerfectParadox

To all those who have given an of their time to read my dilema and tried to help me thank you.

we (myself and OH) have now had what I would like to think as the first step into talking about this. It was a bit hard to start and I'm going to say that both of us learnt things about one another.

I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of what he said. But yes there was an issue with his ex and the wa they had handled money.... it involved her pretty much taking an high % of his paycheck and used her own to pay for maybe not such nessecities in his eyes. (btw I'm a control freak novice in comparison)

But we both agree that to get to where we want to be by the time we are thirty (which is a few years away from him, more so for me) we need to start thinking ahead and saving.

a)i need to get a job..... I never said I didnt, just that I couldn;t stay at my previous

b)we both individually are going to start physically writing down what we spends our money on. NOT to show each other, but to show ourselves where we are spending and what on. (this is after a coversation about smoking
thank you to those who pointed out the cost of smoking he hates being told to quit. it makes him smoke more. but working out the guestimate of what he smoked a week mounted up to well over a grand in a year helped see the issue.)

c) We've identified each of our strengths and made suggestions as to who will potentially take what role in the future.

d) After realising that I'm spending on stuff that isn't helping my own bank balance after doing b/while doing it we are proposing budget resticitions on actions (him spending £10/20 on tabbco a week and once its gone its gone...... me using the libary instead of hmv :embarasse) and working from their

thank you again for helping me understand that this conversation doesnt have to lead to argusments( cos it didn't...... led to kisses)

mwah mwah to all.

(except for the person that told me they don't think its going to last)

Kepp

Really glad to hear that you managed to get things sorted

Good luck in the future x

sacha28

:j and that is why people turn to forums for advice!!
I'm so pleased you've managed to sit down and talk, don't mean to sound patronising but.......how much better do you feel??!!
The only critisism that I have of OH is how the hell does he get through £20 worth of baccy a week?! I'm a long-term smoker (and I will give up when I want to, not when I'm told to lol) and I roll my own. The largest pouch lasts me and my OH nearly 3 weeks and we don't go easy either.
The ending to your story has made me smile but be careful.......kissing ends in babies and that's another expense it doesn't sound like you want :rotfl:
:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T

viktory

You lost the moral high ground when you walked out of your job.

sacha28

viktory wrote: »

You lost the moral high ground when you walked out of your job.

That ship sailed about 2 pages back, you've just made yourself sound like a sulky teenager that always has to have the last word. There's room for constructive critisism but there's nothing constructive about that comment.

PerfectParadox

sacha28 wrote: »

how much better do you feel??!!
The only critisism that I have of OH is how the hell does he get through £20 worth of baccy a week?! I'm a long-term smoker (and I will give up when I want to, not when I'm told to lol) and I roll my own. The largest pouch lasts me and my OH nearly 3 weeks and we don't go easy either.
:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T

much better. :j

god knows! about the baccy. I smoke too. tho he calls me a non smoking smoker because I smoke at the pub and in town, at the most 2 if im home (whih i am alot at the mo)

I normally smoke tailor mades.... but I'm happy with rollies.
he smokes baccy but will "treat" himself to a few packs of tailors. (1x20 pack lasts maybe a day)

when we both were given large pouches of a tabbaco when someone came home from holiday we joked that mine would last twice the time his did.
I was given this pouch almost 2 months ago now. I still have some (I admit to haveing some pac of 10 fags inbetween but thats my perogative as I can't roll after 2 glasses of wine.... and please no more telling off about the wine. I'm paying for it. my wine. mine *hisss*) his lasted a week or two..... I dont get it. hes not even a chain smoke. maybe im exagerating how fast he goes through his baccy and fags.... maybe im a very slow smoker. shrug.



oh and YES I WALKED OUT OF MY JOB. I'M NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY, BECAUSE ITS PERSONAL AND EVEN TO THIS DAY MY FRIENDS, MY OH AND MY FAMILY ALL AGREE AND SUPPORT THIS DECISION BECAUSE OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES..... (now breathing )

sacha28

:rotfl:I would never tell anyone off for drinking wine!!!! I'm so glad you managed to sort it out with him, now just relax (with a glass of wine and a fag!!) and enjoy the run up to your commitment ceremony and the rest of your lives together xx